No Desire for Porn

September 30, 2013

in 2013 Awesome Husband, Seeing Clearly, Sex Positive, Sexuality

So, my wife just left the house – at 6:30 PM. She’ll be gone at least three hours, and it’s just me and the dog here. If I wanted to binge on some porn, I’d be set. Thing is, I have absolutely no desire to look at porn.

Porn on computer © Scott Griessel | Dreamstime.com

I know, a lot of you find that hard to believe. You can understand choosing not to, but not wanting to seems beyond possible. I’m no stranger to porn; I consumed huge amounts of it from age seven to age fifteen. Lori and I looked a few VCR porn tapes early in our marriage. I occasionally stumble on a porn image in my running around the web, although I have found rather good ways to avoid it. In short, I know what it is, and I was once very drawn to it (for several years I rarely went 24 hours without looking at porn). So why the change?

Two things:

  1. I have a sex life with my wife I enjoy greatly. I can recall the last time we made sex, and how wonderful it was. We make love often, and we both enjoy our sex life a great deal. To use a metaphor, I’m getting so much great steak I can barely eat it all. That leaves me NO appetite for anything less delicious. 
  2. I know porn is poison. I don’t mean I understand it is, or accept it is, I mean I know it is. I know it the same way I know it hurts to be stung by 13 yellow jackets (wasps) or to break a couple of ribs – because I’ve done those things. I know looking at porn will lessen my ability to enjoy sex with my wife. I know I can look at porn or have a fantastic sex life with my wife, but I cannot do both.

What about the fact it’s wrong and God doesn’t want me to do it, does that enter into it? Maybe, but I’ve never found knowing something it is wrong to dull my desire – I fight plenty of other sins! It might keep me from sinning, but not from wanting to sin. For many years I fought the desire to look at porn. I was remarkably successful at not looking at porn, but I still wanted to at times. Today I have no desire, none, zilch, nada. I do, however, have a strong healthy sexual desire for my wife.

So what does all this mean?

  • You can be free of porn. If I can, you can. It may not be easy or fast, but it can happen. 
  • While each man must fight this fight, his wife can make it far easier or much more difficult.
  • Truth is powerful. If you know every viewing of porn makes sex with your wife less enjoyable, that will reduce your desire to look at porn.

One other thing – if I do see a porn image, it does have an effect on me. That effect is hard wired into my brain, is beyond my control. However, because I honestly don’t want to see it, looking away isn’t just easy, it is automatic. We need to understand the difference between our natural reaction to porn and a desire to view it, because they’re not the same thing. Don’t think your reacting to it means you want to look – you may or may not want to look, but you’ll react the same way regardless.

Bottom line: Porn is not a lifelong addiction from which you can never escape.

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22 comments
Chris Collins
Chris Collins

@TheGenerousHusband  This gives hope to a lot of men in this generation and the earlier ones. All men if I should say. Men do get tempted with this stuff and nobody is exempted BUT there is definitely redemption in Jesus Christ and if you willingly will walk in a path that glorifies Him, you would definitely avoid it. PLUS in your case, you are satisfied with your wife so yeah there is definitely no need to look at that stuff! Way to go man! God bless you and may more people be blessed through this post. It has blessed me for sure!

wkneal
wkneal

While I agree that those things can help, I am not sure this should be the main factors in our battle against lust. I believe that God desires for our number one reason to not looking at Porn TO be God. How else should we take Jesus drastic words of Matthew 5:27-30, "If your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For.it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." Does not Proverbs tells us that the "The fear of the Lord is the begging of knowledge"? (Proverbs 1:7)

Romans 8 tells us we must fight the flesh, BY the spirit. It is the power of God that we use to fight temptation. While having frequent and or great sex with our spouse is helpful, it might not always apply. "It takes two to tango," and there are many marriages where both spouses are not pursuing a greater marriage. What is this man to do? Is he crippled in his fight against lust? Not at all.

And I think there are many that are fully aware of the poison of pornography, but are still enslaved to their sins because they are fighting the flesh from their own strength with man-centered strategies, which by themselves hold little weight over the power of lust.

J.D. Greer in his sermon “The Gospel Defined: Keeping the Cross at the Center of the Church,” makes this great analogy. When a couple comes together to have sex, they aren’t thinking about the fruit (child) that they will create. They are swept up in the relationship, the desire for one another, that the result of that encounter produces fruit. Likewise, when we are so caught up in our relationship with Christ, when we focus on our pursuit and desire for Him, the fruit of the Spirit just happens, and we are changed from the inside out.

Grear also makes another point when recounting a a time he was counseling a teenage boy about sexual temptation (paraphrased). “If that girls father walked in, I guarantee that temptation would turn off like a light switch. Your problem is that you don’t fear and value God like you do that girl’s father. You want to learn Self-control? Learn to give God weight and glory and you do that by being changed by Him and the Gospel.” (It’s why Matthew 5:27-30 doesn’t cause us to shudder, we don't know Him as we ought).

I struggled with porn off and on for many years, but as I grow closer to Christ, as I savor Him and bask in His great light, porn and the like are put in perspective. They become both less desirable and more repugnant. I think this is the way the Bible tells us to fight sin. Sure, our spouse may help, but it should be our pursuit of Christ that lessens the temptation, not our pursuit of greater sex with our spouse. Who holds the greater mass, my beautiful wife, or my sovereign Lord. It is our love and passion for Him that should reign in our life, not the love and desire for greater and more fulfilling sex with our wife.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@wkneal I see not doing it and losing the desire as two different things. I did not do it for many, many years because I wanted to be right with God. I still desired, it, but I did not do it, which is a testament to His power.

As to knowing it is poison I think most do not really get how bad it is. They have some intellectual understanding, but not a heart understanding. I doubt we could commit any sin if we fully understood the consequences of that sin. Maybe that is why Jesus was able to be free of sin, He fully understood what sin did.

There are a few sins I understand very, very well. Not perfectly, but close. I am not tempted to commit those sins, not even a bit.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@wkneal @TheGenerousHusband It is easy to understand that Jesus died for our sins and thus fail to understand that they still do great harm. They are not wrong because God made up a set of arbitrary rules, they are wrong because they do harm. 

We wont let our two year old play in the street or eat nothing but candy because we understand the danger. They do not understand the danger. They may obey us out of love or fear, or trust, but it is not because they understand the real danger.

wkneal
wkneal

@TheGenerousHusband @wknealHey, what gives? What happened to the last comments you and I made. Oh, well.

While I agree Paul that God has not made up a set of arbitrary rules, I disagree that things are PRIMARILY wrong because they do harm (which is not exactly what you said, but I think is what is implied). James gives us the common thread between all sins, "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. For He who said, 'You shall not commit adultery,' also said, 'You shall not murder.' If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker." (James 2:10-11) It is sin, because its breaking God's law. And it's God's law, not based on arbitrary rules, but His divine character.

We can also look at what Jesus said on the sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5). Anger is equivalent to murder, and lust is equivalent to adultery. Do I really want to have to prove to someone that their lustful thoughts "harm" them or others? Because some might disagree. Although I could certainly make the case that consequences to our sins are divine discipline (Hebrews 12:4-11, Job 33:19-30), because regardless of whether it hurts people or not, sin is dishonoring to our perfect and sovereign Lord.

My point is, I think it should be a lot bigger issue for us that our sin dishonors God than it hurts people (because not all sin hurts people, but all sin is really bad… deserving of death--Romans 6:23). I guess it just bothers me that God's desire for you seemed to be marginalized and you were okay with it. Yet I believe this SHOULD be our top priority. And the fact that we often dismiss pleasing Him as our main reason, should reveal that our hearts aren't right. As Paul says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:31). If the love of the Lord is indeed better than life (Psalm 63:3), and if knowing Him is better than everything else combined (Phillipians 3:8), then shouldn't the fact that it offends Him be more important than the fact that it hurts me or even someone else?

Jbosco
Jbosco

What ever happend to the power of the Holyspirt?

Romans chapter six states three times that we are

Free from sin! Therefor since we are free from sin

It no longer has power over us. What a amazing truth

From God! We as born again saints of God have been

Crucified with Christ so that the body of sin might be

Destroyed rom 6:6 . I to used to be addicted to porn

Before I was saved but once the Holyspirt got a hold of

Me I was able to reckon my self dead to my addiction

To porn according to the word of God!! Christ not only

Died to save you from the penalty of sin but also the power

Of sin!!! This is a truth that most of the church has missed

today. If you are born again and are struggling with porn

Or any other sin for that matter you can according the word

Of God reckon yourself dead to it and walk no more in it!! That

Is the power of the Holyspirt!

John

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Jbosco And yet Paul also talks about still fighting sin in his own body. This does not make the truth any less true, but in our flesh we are weak and do not always carry out that which we wish to carry out.

Jbosco
Jbosco

I understand we are not perfect. In Rom 6:1-2

Paul asks a question shall we continue in sin,

That grace may abound? His answer is God forbid

How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer

Therein ? Paul speaks of a condition "dead to sin"

This is the condition of the believer dead to sin. Those

Who are dead to sin do not live in sin any longer it is no

Longer their way of live. Not to say that your never going

To sin but it is no longer a way of live. Rom 6:4 tells us

To walk in newness of live. All through Paul's writings

He talks about us being crucified with Christ when Christ

Died his physical body died likewise when we were crucified

With him our physical body died now we have to remain in this

Dead body until we get to heaven and get our new body but it no

Longer has power over us. We now have power over it through the

Spirt and walking after the spirt. That is the gospel we are no longer

Slaves to the flesh!!! We are not in our flesh Rom 8:8-9 so then they

That are in the flesh cannot please God. But ye are not in the flesh,

But in the spirt, if so be that the spirt of God dwell in you. Now if any

Man have not the Spirt of Christ, he is none of his. So it is clear that

We our not in our flesh. The flesh is no excuse to sin. No doubt their

Is a battle but we have victory in Christ! In Rom 7 Paul is describing

A man trying to control the flesh with the law and that has never worked

Nor will it ever. death is the only way that's why Christ crucified us with

Him so we could have power over the flesh and porn addiction or any

Other sin for that matter what a wonderful truth!! I am dead and my life

Is hid in Christ it is no longer I who live but Christ lives inside of me my

Life is hid in Christ amen amen amen

John

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Jbosco I understand the scriptures you are sharing (Roman's is my favourite book of the Bible) but I do not grasp the practical application you are trying to share.

Are you saying God took away your desire for porn?

I know people who have had the desire for cigarettes or drugs taken from them, setting them free. I know others who struggle for long periods, some failures and some without to become free of such addictions. While it is difficult to judge the faith of another, I have never felt that those who just had it taken from them had more faith or a better understanding of God's love, or grace, or the truth of His Word. I see it much as the fact that some are healed and some are not - it is God's choice.

Jbosco
Jbosco

@TheGenerousHusband @Jbosco I am not trying to share a practical application. I am simply sharing what God's word says that we are dead and free from sin. God is asking us to believe something that is not our reality. You see if you go up to a dead man in a casket and show him some porn is he going to care? No he is not he is dead he could care less about your  porn. So God says you are dead and free from sin you are no longer a slave to it. Do you believe God in this regard? I do so if the desire or temptation of viewing pron comes up then I can say thank you  Lord I am dead to this it has no power over me and walk away from it and each time that happens it gets easier and easier until that temptation is gone. After I was saved I failed in this area 3 times and each time felt very guilty. Then i learned this truth of my co  crucifixion with Christ, and i was set free!! has long as we are in this world their is going to be temptations  but God has provided a way for us to overcome all temptations he destroys this body of sin so it no longer controls us but we control it through the Spirit. It is time we start believing God and stop trying to fight sin with mans weak ideas! Gods way works I know it has worked in my experience and it will work for any other born again child of God. I am no one special nor do i have some great faith I just simply believe God. I hope that makes since 

may the lord be with you

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Jbosco @TheGenerousHusband Ah, I see.

I read those verses differently. I see "dead to sin" as being about the freedom from the consequences of sin that are ours because Jesus died in our place.

Jesus set us free from the law. The law said if we committed any sin, we were separated from God. We are now dead to that, free of it.

That said, your understanding has clearly helped you to become free of certain sins, and that is certainly a good thing!

JJWITTER5
JJWITTER5

I ALSO STRUGGLE WITH THE USE OF PORN FROM TIME TO TIME.  I KNOW THIS IS A HORRIBLE SIN AND I AM TRYING TO BREAK FREE.  I KNOW MY SEXUAL TIME WITH THE WIFE IS NOT AS GOOD WHEN I HAVE BEEN VIEWING PRON. 

FreedomTruthMarriage
FreedomTruthMarriage

I notice the only other person that can influence a man's success or failure is... his wife. She needs to be free of her resentment and bitterness of him and his (previous) porn habit, so that she's free to give him steak willingly. 

Let me focus on "steak." "Steak" doesn't necessarily mean frequency. Too often we think a good sex life revolves around doing it often. Sex is eating. We eat 3-6 times a day, just not steak. Steak is the meal he wants, that she may not be willing to fix, but does it out of love for him. Steak is the position, activity, outfit, location, etc.. that she does, not necessarily because she likes it, but because she knows "If he's filled with steak he won't be so inclined to run after porn."  Yes sometimes we just need a quick bit, or a chicken sandwich, but like you said, "I am getting so much great steak I can barely eat it all. That leaves me NO appetite for anything less delicious. "

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@hale1114 I would not say she is the only one, but aside from himself, she has more power than anyone else.

Steak to me is quality. Quantity is about enough. A great steak once a month will not keep anyone going, no matter how much they enjoy it, so quantity is a factor to some degree. Some men feed on an excess of low quality and come to resent the lack of quality. 

libl
libl

And yet many women complain that they give their husband as much steak as he wants, even being the higher drive initiating spouse and he still indulges in porn. Porn isn't about sex any more than morphine is about curing illnesses. They are all about numbing pain and feeling better

Great185
Great185

Porn holds us away from experiencing a greater marriage, what a great encouragement for anyone who is still being held back!

treeman
treeman

Thank you!  I am in the early stages of recovery, and this post was a great encouragement to me because right now it feels like I will never be totally free.

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