A reader going by amyhannaford65 had a great comment on yesterday’s post. After affirming sometimes sex seems like a lot of effort with no return, she said, “I will say that my husband is a selfless lover and always, always wants to see me experience pleasure during sex. It’s mostly just me that lets the frustration of having a harder time climaxing influence how I see the sexual encounter.”
I bring this up because I want to make it clear I’m not attacking men here. I’m not saying wives fail to enjoy sex because men are selfish lovers. For most women, the biggest issues are not the struggles she has with her body; the struggles of her mind are what makes sex difficult to impossible. She sees how easy sex is for her husband, and she thinks it should be just as easy for her. Porn, romance novels, movies, and television all tell her it should be easy for her, so clearly something is wrong with her. When it comes to sex, she’s broken. She’s not at all sure she can be “fixed” and she doesn’t feel it’s fair for her husband to have to put up with her being broken. Even when he’s very interested in making sex good for her, she doesn’t feel she has the right to expect him to put “so much” time and energy into her pleasure.
The first thing you can do is help her understand she’s not broken. Rather, she has been lied to about female sexuality. Here are some truths:
- She is female, and women’s sexuality is very different from men’s sexuality.
- Women in porn etc. fake orgasm, arousal, interest, and comfort. What’s shown in media usually has nothing to do with reality.
- It is normal for a woman to feel no desire when sex starts. Some women rarely or never feel arousal until they have been stimulated.
- It is normal for a woman to need 20 or more minutes of foreplay.
- It is normal for a woman to need stimulation for 20 minutes (or more) to reach orgasm.
- It is normal to get distracted and lose arousal.
- It is normal to get very close to orgasm then lose it.
- It is normal to need desperately to have an orgasm and struggle to get there.
- It is normal to find it difficult or impossible to orgasm during intercourse.
Of course, all of these things vary from woman to woman and from time to time for each woman. One of the other norms for female sexuality is extreme variety.
The other thing your wife needs to understand is how important it is to you that she enjoy sex. Not so she will have more of it, but because you want her to enjoy it as much as you enjoy it. Help her know her pleasure is important to you. Explain sex is best for you when she enjoys it, and the more she enjoys it, the better it is for you. I know this is true for the majority of husbands because I’ve talked to many men about this. For the vast majority of men, sex is a couple activity, and if it’s “just for him” very often it’s not good for him.
Tomorrow I will suggest some specifics on ways to help your wife enjoy sex more.
Great tweet of the week:
Husbands, when’s the last time you got some new tighty-whities? Holy underwear is NOT sexy. @SongSix3
Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:
Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week:
The Romantic Vineyard posted Manipulating Motives ◄ Intentions are often irrelevant/
Black and Married with Kids
5 Conversations You Can’t Afford to Avoid When You’re Married ◄ Have you had these conversations lately?
Cracking The Romance Code.
Romance that leads to sexual sparks for the romantically challenged ◄ Jerry’s post fits nicely with mine above.
Do Not Disturb
Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #2 Silence Outside Voices ◄ If you don’t, trouble will follow!
The Generous Wife
Journey to Surrender
Affair Proof Your Marriage ◄ All good steps to safeguard your marriage.
Rock His World
What He Wants In Bed ◄ “Many guys are as worried about your O as they are about their own O.”
Safe at home
It’s All Tainted: Why We’ll Never Be Perfect ◄ A very important truth.
Sex Within Marriage
Is it okay to track how often you have sex? ◄ Don’t most guys do this at some point?
Is It Ok To Drink Alcohol? ◄ I guess sex was not controversial enough for Stu…
…to Love Honor and Vacuum
How Miscarriage Affects a Marriage ◄ A must read if you or someone you love has been down this path.