I’ve been expecting some lady to post to the comments of one of my last two posts saying, “I’m not like that!’ Those who study sexuality have found a small percentage of women’s sexuality is very similar to typical male sexuality: strong drive, easily aroused, easily reach climax (in fact a very few women suffer from the female version of premature ejaculation, reaching orgasm far sooner than they want). I’ve not seen anyone offer a good reason why this is so, but the consensus is women have no choice in the matter, and cannot learn to be different.
If your wife didn’t identify with the things I said in Understanding Her Sexual Reality or Help Her Understand Normal Female Sexuality, you can skip this post. For the other 95 or so percent, read on.
Give Her Time
She needs more time than you need for every aspect of sex. You need to give her all the time she needs, but you also need to convince her that you are eager to do this. She needs to know you see giving her sexual pleasure as a better use of the time than anything else you would do with the time.
Part of giving her time is making sure she never feels rushed. If she normally needs 25 to 35 minutes from undressing to orgasmic bliss, then don’t have sex unless you have at least 45 minutes. This doesn’t mean you have to give up quickies, as long as she’s okay with not having a climax on those occasions. Some women find a morning quickie great foreplay for making love that night.
Find a Sure Thing
Imagine the frustration of being very aroused but unable to climax. You want to do everything you can to help your wife find a sure way to have a climax when she needs one. This could be oral sex, manual sex, or use of a vibrator. It might even be her doing it herself while you kiss or hold her. Figure out the surest way for her to climax and then practice until it’s as close to a guarantee as possible. If she feels confident she can climax when she really needs to, she’ll find it easier to be open to sex. She may also find it easier to try new things if she has a sure-fire fall back method.
Give Her Control
The more control she has, the easier it will be for her. Since sex is easy for you, please be willing to sacrifice for her in this way. Put her needs ahead of your needs, and her pleasure ahead of your pleasure. (You will learn that in sex giving is better than receiving!)
- Let her tell you when she has had enough foreplay. Don’t ask, don’t hint, just keep going until she tells you she’s ready to move on.
- Let her decide if she’s going to climax before intercourse, after intercourse, or is going to try to climax during intercourse.
- If she says it is time to move to her sure way of reaching climax, do that immediately. Don’t let frustration set in!
- If it’s not working and she says she’s not going to climax, accept that without argument. Later you can tell her you were more than willing to keep going. Let her know you will stop when she feels she needs to stop, but she should never feel she must stop because of you.
- If she tells you to go ahead and climax, do so – and enjoy it. This will help free her of guilt she’s ruining sex for you.
- If she wants to try to orgasm during intercourse, let her choose the position.
- If she offers something just for you, say yes, enjoy it to the fullest, and thank her afterwards. Saying no feels like you are trying to manipulate her into having sex for both of you. It doesn’t matter if this is your intent or not, it will feel this way to her and that will add pressure to her feelings about sex.
Make Her Comfortable
Being comfortable and at ease will make sex easier for her.
- Make the room temperature what’s good for her. This will probably be a bit warm for you, but you being warm won’t interfere with your sexuality nearly as much as her being cold will interfere with her sexuality.
- Let her wear socks. In one study, researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands found 80% of women wearing socks had an orgasm while only 50% of the barefooted women reached climax.
- Let her wear whatever else she wants, or agree to dim lights, or total dark. Yes she needs to get past those things, but let her learn to want and enjoy sex first.
- Watch what you say – certain words or phrases can turn her off. A good discussion of this away from the bedroom would be a great idea.
- Be sure you don’t stink! Her sense of smell is much stronger than your sense of smell, and she’s especially sensitive to body odour. A good shower very shortly before sex is always a good idea. Also brush and/or use mouth wash.
Yes, I’m telling you to cater a great deal to her sexually. I’m asking you to put your desires on the back burner for a while so she can discover the pleasures of sex. This is the right thing to do, and it is the wise thing to do. If she learns how great sex can be, you have many great nights ahead of you!