What Kind of Vert are You

November 21, 2013

in Her Needs, Understanding Her

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Which is your wife?

If you’re both the same, then you understand each other and “vertism” is probably not a major issue in your marriage. If you are one of each, the difference has likely been a problem, and perhaps still is.

Apple and Orange © Suvro Datta | freedigitalphotos.net

I’m an extrovert, which you might have guessed. I’m not the must-be-with-people-to-feel-alive kind of extrovert, but I enjoy being with others a great deal, and crowds are not a problem for me.

My wife is an introvert. She likes other people, but in groups of more than two being with others drains her emotionally. After being in a crowd, she needs some alone time to recharge.

I don’t understand how she feels, and probably never will, but I have come to accept God made her this way and it’s not something she needs to fix. I’ve figured out what she needs and I not only “allow” her to do those things, I help her. I try to be aware of how much time we spend with others and make sure she gets needed down time to recharge. I don’t plan events with big groups two days in a row without discussing it with her and making sure she’s okay with it.

On the other side, she understands being with a group is good for me, and so she makes a point of doing groups with me. I’m sure she doesn’t understand how I feel, but she accepts God made me this way and believes I don’t need to be fixed.

If you’re one kind of vert, and your wife is the other, talk about it. Find out what she needs, and try to help her understand what you need. Then be sensitive to her needs, and work to ensure she gets what she needs.

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Great post, Paul.  I think there's even more to this than simply introvert/extrovert, though.  My wife and I are both introverts, although on personality charts she is the far extreme of introvert and I am closer to the center line.  We still have pretty different standards for how much and how often we need social interaction.  We were talking today about this very subject and determined that while for me, time alone with her is generally good recharge time, for her recharge time requires that she be completely alone.

Romance Man @ CrackingTheRomanceCode.com
Romance Man @ CrackingTheRomanceCode.com

My wife and I have commented several times how she and Lori are similar and you and I are similar. Not clones just some similar characteristics. We have a couple at our church who are the opposite. She is the crowd person and he is the introvert. It has helped us to understand various dynamics of our individual partners by spending time with this couple and discussing our personality traits among the four of us.

Thank you for your "vert" thoughts!


In testing I come out as pretty much split, and this reflects my thought process.  I tend to need to think about issues first, but then it needs to come out in some way to complete the process, which is one of the reasons I blog.

But, I definitely understand your wife, there are times when people are just too much, and I need to retreat by myself.  Luckily my wife is very supportive and helps me find time to be alone so I can recharge. 


is it bad that the first thing I thought of when I saw that headline was: does me mean what kind of "pervert" am I? 

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@F1lmGuy It certainly does fall on a continuum. Lori is able to recharge with me around most of the time, while my son needs to be totally alone.

And as I indicated, I am not a strong extrovert; I do fine without others for far longer than most extroverts can stand.

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Romance Man It is fascinating to see how this plays out in other couples. One group I spend time with is four couples, but only two extroverts among the eight of us (the other one being a woman). I love watching how the various couples deal with their mix of personality. 


  1. […] What Kind Of Vert Are You?<<Paul offers great advice for couples who are opposite verts. […]

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