“Silver” Lining in Sexual Frequency Survey Results

December 7, 2013

in Seeing Clearly, Sex Positive, Sexuality, Survey Says ...

A couple of weeks ago I posted a survey entitled “Are you getting enough sex in your marriage?” You can see the results here, but I wanted to expound a bit on a couple of things.

Yes, half the men said they were having way less than they wanted, and another 29% were having less than they wanted. However, 34% of the women said they were having way less sex than they wanted, and another 21% said less than they wanted. That means 55% of the wives would like to have more sex.

I know this result doesn’t represent Christian woman as a whole, and if your wife would very much like to have less sex you may wonder why you should care other women want more. What the finding proves is women can want and enjoy sex. This should give you some hope.

Unwilling Wife © Ambro | freedigitalphotos.net

There is something else found in the numbers that should give you even more hope. The 3o’s was a time of limited sex for many couples. See below the percentage of couples in each age range who were having sex three or more times a week:

  • 35% of those age 20-29
  • 24% of those age 30-39
  • 30% of those age 40-49
  • 46% of those age 50 & up

What’s more, those 50 and better were more likely to have sex six or more times a week than any other age group! It seems couples slowdown in their 30’s, pick back up some in their 40’s, and really get busy after 50!

That may sound very odd, but it actually makes sense. The 30’s are very busy time for most couples, with kids, a home, trying to build their career, and so on. Time and energy are short, which cuts into everything – including sex. At the same time, female sex drive usually goes up in the 30’s. This would explain why wanting way more sex peaked in the 30-39 age range in the survey. These women are having less and wanting more. At 40 life starts to get easier for most women (primarily due to the kids getting older) and sex drive continues to rise. With both the time and desire for more sex, frequency goes up. At 50 drive is no longer going up for most women, and may even be down a bit, but there’s a lot more freedom as the kids move out.

  • If you’re in your 20’s, be aware there’s a very real chance your sex life is going to become less than it is now over the next decade or so. Do all you can to fight it, but understand it’s common.
  • If you’re in your 30’s and deeply frustrated by your (lack of) sex life, you’re not alone. Know there’s a good chance it will start to get better over the next five to ten years. Just don’t make such a fuss about sex you make your wife mad and put her off sex altogether.
  • If you’re in your 40’s and see no sign of sex getting better, it would be wise to start making a gentle push for change. In many ways, it’s the best time of her life for her to become more sexual, and you don’t want to let that sail by without trying to get on board.

By the way: The survey did not break down ages over 50, but one man who said he had sex daily mentioned in the comments he and his wife were in their 70’s! Sex can continue well into the silver years!

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There is one simple problem with your survey- it was completed by people who want better and/or more sex in their marriage.  I would dare to say that most of those who don't care about sex in their marriage don't read this blog.  It is those who really desire and are working to improve their marriages that read it.

Having said that it is great to see that there is hope for improvement even when we get to our 70's.


Yeah, I've seen the same trend in my surveys.  I haven't called it out, because I get so few respondents from that category.  I wasn't sure if it was a statistical anomaly or what.  Thanks for clarifying.

Romance Man @ CrackingTheRomanceCode.com
Romance Man @ CrackingTheRomanceCode.com

For our marriage of 39 years, your survey is very representative of our life. I do not specifically remember when it waned or became more frequent as to the specific decades in our life. However, now in our 60's, we have a different mode of sex. Not kinky verses straight, but slower, more focused on each other. We choose our times and communicate to each other our desires often through the day. Foreplay, as I wrote about in my blog, is an all day process. We have really learned to enjoy the "ride" or entire process leading up to our sexual encounter.

The metaphor of a leisurely afternoon or all day trip to an anticipated destination is an apt concept. No kids to ask "Are we there yet?" Or "I have to go to the bathroom." or ???   It is a time to enjoy being alive in God's world enjoying the journey as much as the destination. Oh the destination is rewarding enough yet there is a wonderful calmness getting to and from your destination with your bride!

Thanks Paul for your thought provoking messages!     

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@jsdelcamp No argument with your point. But many reading this blog have a spouse far less interested in working on their marriage, and maybe they can learn something helpful. 

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@SexWithinMarriage I have 70 in that age range answering. Granted they are going to be more sex positive than the general population, but it is more than an anomaly I think.

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Romance Man One of the great things about being older is the "I need it now" desperate need is no longer there. It is not that I have learned to control it, or learned great patience - hopefully I have learned both those, but the pressure is not the same now. It makes it easy to wait for a better time when we will  both enjoy it even more. 

Sex is great, and a lot of sex is great, but being half crazy because it has been 40 hours was never great!

Romance Man @ CrackingTheRomanceCode.com
Romance Man @ CrackingTheRomanceCode.com

@TheGenerousHusband @Romance Man


 I agree on all counts. It was a long time in our marriage before either of us really understood each others needs. We have become much more attuned to each other. I "wish" I could bring my 20's body up to this time in our marriage!

  As you do so well, I try to write to encourage young marrieds to really listen to other couples who have been together for many years. I am glad that so many people of various ages are writing these days about the stresses which warp the relationship between a husband and a wife. 

Sorry it took me so long to get on the "band wagon"!   

-- Jerry

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