Getting More Sex

December 21, 2013

in Sexuality, Understanding Her

If I had a sure fire, one-size-fits-all way for men to hear “yes” more often I would be a very rich man. Oh well.

However, there are some ways to improve your odds. Every woman is different, so one or two of these may not apply to your marriage, but most apply to most couples.

Here is my Christmas gift to you:

For You: More Sex! © Karen Roach | Dreamstime.com

  • Avoid the ambush. Asking as she gets into bed may seem natural, but it’s not the best approach. This has the feeling of an ambush. It also gives her a reason to try to be in bed asleep before you join her.
  • Don’t give her an excuse. Saying “I know you’re tired, but…” is just encouraging her to say no. She knows she’s tired, and she will consider that when she answers. Besides, this can also come across as selfish – “I know why you should say no, but I’m still going to ask anyway.” Let her know what you want, and let her tell you if she feels able.
  • Ask early. “I’d like to make love today, would you try to fit that in?” This gives her a chance to make time and energy. It also shows respect for her day and her feelings.
  • Watch your slang. Avoid words that might offend her or make her feel more like a “warm place to put it” than a lover.
  • Don’t try to extract a promise. She’s more likely to say no so she won’t end up feeling she has to when she doesn’t want to.
  • Hints are for games. Forget about hints and cute wording. Ask for what you want in a clear, unmistakable manner.
  • Forget the shotgun approach. Asking every time she turns around makes you look unreasonable. It also makes it seem sex really is all you care about. If she thinks you ask just in case she might say yes, she’ll say no because she no longer feels you want her.
  • Don’t ask when you should not. Some men ask for sex when their wife returns from throwing up for the third time in an hour. I doubt anyone here would do that, but asking when she’s dead tired is pretty much the same thing. Not asking when she’s totally not there is a kindness, and it makes her more likely to say yes at other times. (If she’s always tired, stressed, or whatever, then that is the problem which needs to be addressed.)
  • Take what she offers. If she says, “I’m not up for it, but I can do you by hand” you need to accept that, and you need to do so with enthusiasm and thanks. Saying no to what she offers is a bit insulting. It also tells her you don’t “need it” so much as you want something specific.
  • Don’t back out. If she says yes, then have sex; don’t back out because you think she’s offering out of pity or is trying to guilt you into saying never mind. Take her at her word and act accordingly.
  • Don’t use pity or guilt. Face it; it’s neither sexy nor endearing. Even if it works now, it will hurt your chances in the future.
  • Never manipulate. Same as above, but much worse.
  • Ask what she wants to do. Let her choose, and go with what she says. If she knows it’s her choice, she’ll find it easier to say yes.
  • KNOW. HER. CYCLE. Her cycle affects her body, mind, emotions, and her sexuality. If she is cramping bad or feeling like life is over it’s just rude to ask for sex. If her period, or one day of her period, is very heavy, the mess is a major reason for her to say no. (If you do have sex while she’s on her period, don’t make faces or call it gross, and don’t stick her with all the extra effort and clean up.) Learn more about this…
  • Don’t be a post sex dumper. You want sex, so you overlook something she did or said that you didn’t like. Alternatively, you need to discuss something that’s going to upset her, but you put it off so you can have sex. Then after sex, be it immediately or the next day, you let her have it. If you do this often she will catch on, at least subconsciously, and then she’ll say no to sex to keep you from blasting her. Deal with things when you should, or let them go for good.
  • Don’t stop asking to prove a point. Ever gone a long time not asking for sex to prove it won’t happen if you don’t ask? Nothing good comes from that. It makes you look petty and it suggests you don’t really need it as much as you claim because you went so long without.
  • Never, ever say no to her. If you have EVER complained about her saying no to sex, please make sure you never do the same to her unless you literally can’t do it. (And, if you can’t get an erection you still have two hands and a mouth!) Some men say no, “To show her what it feels like.” This is both unloving and counter-productive. Instead, show her what it means to be all about meeting your spouse’s desires even when it costs you something. In other words, lead by example.

And last, but not at all least:

Be less busy

Being too busy is the biggest reason couples don’t have enough sex. If you and your wife become less busy it will be far easier to have sex more often. On the other hand, if you stay busy you’ve chosen a life without room for the amount of sex you want. It really is that simple. Choose a too busy life or a busy sex life – you can’t have both.

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10 comments
jac2014
jac2014

I understand what you are trying to say, but it is all worldly advice. It is not biblical. I definatley agree that there are some truth's here, but sex is a two way street and you tend to put all of the focus on the woman. Men have a seemingly dificult task: love your wifes as Christ loved the church. That is a tall order, but a man with a right relationship with Christ takes this challenge with Joy. You seem to treat sex as a bargaining chip and not a responsibility. God made us very differently. Both the man and the woman need to give and receive or it won't work. 

Gilgal777
Gilgal777

Hi, I appreciate your post, but it wasn't until I re-read it that I realised that 'more' sex, in terms of frequency, was not what I wanted. I guess I feel that you're suggesting that rather primitively we should be happy with whatever we get whenever we get it. I am sure you're leaning towards the, 'start small and build' approach but I guess I would need to have you expand on that. To be honest, obligatory sex makes me feel terrible afterwards, worse than abstinence. If my wife does not communicate to me that she genuinely desires me, and that she is there for quality time and enjoyment, it communicates instead that she is satisfied with buying me off - cheaply. I don't think my wife has a very strong drive, but there have been occasions when she has been ravenous - so I know that she has the capacity when she wants to. I sometimes torment myself trying to figure out what the magic combination is that creates those moments. The genuine connectedness satisfies and for longer, because I am really convinced that she loves me and is thrilled to be with me. A myriad of Christian, and other, relationship counsellors indicate that men primarily need to feel respected as husbands. The question I have, is that if my wife and I are to interact as you have outlined above, am I going to feel appreciated, respected and loved or simply pacified?

landschooner
landschooner

Great post!  the only line item I wasn't sure about was this one. " Don’t stop asking to prove a point. " I've done this and I've always been glad I did. Helped me to gauge where HER libido was at.  How long DOES it take her to miss having sex?  etc. For her it was just under 6 weeks. I have always found that to be valuable information. 


I understand the point about it sending a different message, like I really DIDNT need sex as badly as I said,  and that is definitely a valid point to consider. In our case, I had been nominally refused for 11-12 years by that time....so sending a "mixed" message was really kind of a moot point by then. She refused sex for 4 - 5 weeks, but missed the "connection" at just under 6 weeks. I'd been sending a clear message for over a decade to no avail so what harm is a mixed message? I was willing to try anything at that point. I guess I always felt it gave me some clarity. 


Anyway, great post Paul! just wasn't sure I fully agreed with that bullet point, but definitely something to be careful with. 


Merry Christmas to you and Lori!


LS

3minuterule
3minuterule

it went undiagnosed for years. I had convinced myself my libido was fine and my wife later confessed feeling lonely and unwanted. Please do not let this happen to you as it can be difficult to discern. There were times when we were trying to get pregnant that I literally turned my wife down because of lack of drive. Medication has fixed all that, and I probably chase around too much at this point. This post was spot on, I try to be considerate and realize when she has a lot on her plate, and back off. I just dig in and help her with her chores and hope tomorrow is better. Occasionally she will agree in the morning and then that night backup, as hard as it is it is at that time I think it is then the most important to be compassionate, and say fine "hopefully tomorrow night". You have to be a team player in this. Not slang but our code lovemaking question & answer is, "do you think I could have dessert tonight?" This came from a joke one evening when having dinner with friends, the woman were all talking about chocolate cake and the men were talking about what they hoped the evenings later activitie would be. All in good fun!

God bless you all, love your wives they're wonderful and sometimes mysterious creatures.

3minuterule
3minuterule

I will admit that I unfortunately have been guilty of some of these things. when I was in my twenties I had a significant drop in my testosterone level that I did not realize

Alphax45
Alphax45

Great post. Some helpful advice here :)

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@jac2014  I do not understand how I am putting all the focus on women, given that I am telling men what to do and not do. 


I agree that sex is a two way street, but when I am talking to only half the couple (here it is men) I address what is relevant for that half.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Gilgal777  In part I am saying start small, but there is far more than that.


You seem to think your wife must either be eagerly wanting sex, or she is doing it out of obligation. I find this to be a false dichotomy, and not at all consistent with how God made women.


Imagine you had not desire for sweets, but always enjoyed them when you had them. You would not be motivated to seek out desserts, but if your wife wanted to share a dessert with you, you would be happy to do so and would enjoy it. This is more or less the case for many women with regards to sex.


The post for today addresses this issue - http://bit.ly/1jUbWQe

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@landschooner The issue is motivation for not asking. If the reason is to gain "evidence" to use against her, that's not going to help. If learning how long it would take just depresses you, I doubt it helps. OTOH, used as you mention does seem to be worthwhile.


And yes, a couple's history is going to be another factor.


Thanks for your comments, and for allowing me to clarify.


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