If I had a sure fire, one-size-fits-all way for men to hear “yes” more often I would be a very rich man. Oh well.
However, there are some ways to improve your odds. Every woman is different, so one or two of these may not apply to your marriage, but most apply to most couples.
Here is my Christmas gift to you:
- Avoid the ambush. Asking as she gets into bed may seem natural, but it’s not the best approach. This has the feeling of an ambush. It also gives her a reason to try to be in bed asleep before you join her.
- Don’t give her an excuse. Saying “I know you’re tired, but…” is just encouraging her to say no. She knows she’s tired, and she will consider that when she answers. Besides, this can also come across as selfish – “I know why you should say no, but I’m still going to ask anyway.” Let her know what you want, and let her tell you if she feels able.
- Ask early. “I’d like to make love today, would you try to fit that in?” This gives her a chance to make time and energy. It also shows respect for her day and her feelings.
- Watch your slang. Avoid words that might offend her or make her feel more like a “warm place to put it” than a lover.
- Don’t try to extract a promise. She’s more likely to say no so she won’t end up feeling she has to when she doesn’t want to.
- Hints are for games. Forget about hints and cute wording. Ask for what you want in a clear, unmistakable manner.
- Forget the shotgun approach. Asking every time she turns around makes you look unreasonable. It also makes it seem sex really is all you care about. If she thinks you ask just in case she might say yes, she’ll say no because she no longer feels you want her.
- Don’t ask when you should not. Some men ask for sex when their wife returns from throwing up for the third time in an hour. I doubt anyone here would do that, but asking when she’s dead tired is pretty much the same thing. Not asking when she’s totally not there is a kindness, and it makes her more likely to say yes at other times. (If she’s always tired, stressed, or whatever, then that is the problem which needs to be addressed.)
- Take what she offers. If she says, “I’m not up for it, but I can do you by hand” you need to accept that, and you need to do so with enthusiasm and thanks. Saying no to what she offers is a bit insulting. It also tells her you don’t “need it” so much as you want something specific.
- Don’t back out. If she says yes, then have sex; don’t back out because you think she’s offering out of pity or is trying to guilt you into saying never mind. Take her at her word and act accordingly.
- Don’t use pity or guilt. Face it; it’s neither sexy nor endearing. Even if it works now, it will hurt your chances in the future.
- Never manipulate. Same as above, but much worse.
- Ask what she wants to do. Let her choose, and go with what she says. If she knows it’s her choice, she’ll find it easier to say yes.
- KNOW. HER. CYCLE. Her cycle affects her body, mind, emotions, and her sexuality. If she is cramping bad or feeling like life is over it’s just rude to ask for sex. If her period, or one day of her period, is very heavy, the mess is a major reason for her to say no. (If you do have sex while she’s on her period, don’t make faces or call it gross, and don’t stick her with all the extra effort and clean up.) Learn more about this…
- Don’t be a post sex dumper. You want sex, so you overlook something she did or said that you didn’t like. Alternatively, you need to discuss something that’s going to upset her, but you put it off so you can have sex. Then after sex, be it immediately or the next day, you let her have it. If you do this often she will catch on, at least subconsciously, and then she’ll say no to sex to keep you from blasting her. Deal with things when you should, or let them go for good.
- Don’t stop asking to prove a point. Ever gone a long time not asking for sex to prove it won’t happen if you don’t ask? Nothing good comes from that. It makes you look petty and it suggests you don’t really need it as much as you claim because you went so long without.
- Never, ever say no to her. If you have EVER complained about her saying no to sex, please make sure you never do the same to her unless you literally can’t do it. (And, if you can’t get an erection you still have two hands and a mouth!) Some men say no, “To show her what it feels like.” This is both unloving and counter-productive. Instead, show her what it means to be all about meeting your spouse’s desires even when it costs you something. In other words, lead by example.
And last, but not at all least:
Be less busy
Being too busy is the biggest reason couples don’t have enough sex. If you and your wife become less busy it will be far easier to have sex more often. On the other hand, if you stay busy you’ve chosen a life without room for the amount of sex you want. It really is that simple. Choose a too busy life or a busy sex life – you can’t have both.
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