You’ve seen your wife naked, right? Her body does not look like your body looks – especially the sexual parts.
For several decades, there has been a concerted effort to convince people most gender differences are just skin-deep. The hardware is different we are told, but we all run the same software. THIS.IS.A.LIE.
We run different software, and this is especially true for sex. I think many sexual problems come from men and women thinking her sexuality should be like his. This is a sure road to frustration and problems.
One big difference between men and women’s sexuality that has come to light the last few years is how arousal works. For most men it is as follows:
DESIRE => AROUSAL => STIMULATION => ORGASM
While this pattern is true for a few women most of the time, and some women some of the time, it is not the most common female arousal pattern. For most women, sex usually works more like this:
STIMULATION => DESIRE => AROUSAL => ORGASM
This means kissing, making out, and foreplay cause desire, and then stimulation and desire together cause arousal, which can progress to orgasm. In short, “spontaneous desire” is the norm for men, but uncommon for women. (For women spontaneous desire is most likely near ovulation.)
The problem is we have bought into the lie that she should only have “sex when she wants it.” Actually that would be okay, if we defined “wanting it” correctly, but we define wanting it as feeling sexual desire. We think she should feel “horny” before sex starts. The truth is she will usually need sex to start to cause her to feel horny.
She has been taught that if you want sex you feel horny, and if you do not feel horny you don’t want sex. So, he asks is she wants to have sex, and she, not feeling horny, says no. He feels unloved and neglected, while she feels he should respect her lack of desire.
Imagine a different reality. They both know it is very rare for her to feel desire before they start to have sex, but she has learned that stimulation almost always results in desire, followed by arousal, followed by orgasm. She has also learned that sex is very enjoyable on many levels, and even when she does not get aroused, she enjoys making love. So, when her husband asks if she wants to make love, she thinks about how great it is to make love with him, and she says yes.
If you have been doing it “wrong” for years, fixing it is going to be difficult. The first step is to understand you have both been treating her like male software running on female hardware. Realise this is a factor in most of the problems and frustrations in your sex life, and commit to changing this mind-set. Stop expecting her to experience desire outside of sex, and figure out how she really works. Start from scratch and build a new sexuality as a couple.
By the way, expecting her to initiate sex seems a bit unfair if you understand she does not have spontaneous desire. It may indeed be true you would never have sex if you did not initiate, but so what? If she enjoys it when it happens, then you need to initiate for both of you!
Year End Kindle Sale: Christian Kindle ebooks on sale at Amazon for $2.99 or less through January 3rd. Includes several of my must read marriage books: Love & Respect, Real Marriage and, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.