When you think about sex, about what are you thinking? And, who fills those thoughts?
Back in December, I did a survey on Premarital Porn Use. The numbers are scary! Half of men under 35 masturbated to porn more than 500 times before marriage and a third did it more than 1000 times! What we have in our minds when we are aroused affects our thinking, and what we are looking at and thinking about when we orgasm is even more powerful. Masturbating to porn hundreds of times hurts your ability to connect sexually with your wife; long before you met her, you had well established sexual preferences – preferences your wife may be unwilling or unable to fulfil.
This week I am doing a survey on sexual fantasies (you can participate here), and the early results are eye opening. Just 24% of men say they only fantasise about their wife while another 24% fantasise about someone else more than a quarter of the time.
What you do when you have sex with your wife is only part of your sex life. Your past sexuality (including porn), and your current thoughts, fantasies, and any porn use are a part of your sex life too. We can’t put these parts in separate boxes; they mix, mingle, and colour each other.
Odds are your thoughts and attitudes about sex are a much bigger problem than you have been willing to accept. Your thoughts and attitudes strongly influence your wife’s sexuality – be that for good or bad. I’m not letting her off the hook for her choices, but if what’s in your mind has been pushing her away from wanting or enjoying sex you need to accept and deal with that.
What happens in your mind has a great deal to do with the quality of your sex life. Your wife doesn’t have to know what you’re seeing or thinking, it will show through in how you approach her sexually. If you have years of sexual garbage it will take some real effort to change, but you can do it if you are willing.
Controlling what you see sexually is good; controlling what you think is far better. If you want to bless your wife, and/or if you want a great sex life, you must learn to control your sexual thoughts.