Sexual Spillover

January 11, 2014

in 2014 Marriage Upgrade, None of the Above, Sexuality

There is a long-standing argument about if and how viewing sexual images affects a man’s sexuality. There are those who claim what we look at has no impact on what we think and want sexually. This has always seemed silly to me, given how obvious it is we are affected by everything we see to some degree.

Short Skirt © Anna Lurye | Dreamstime.com

The article The Sexual Objectification Spillover Effect links to a number of studies about this issue. The clear conclusion is that seeing any sexualized image of any woman causes men to view all women as less intelligent and less moral.

What do you think looking at porn does for how we see women? Does the “spillover effect” apply for porn? I am sure it does. Porn causes us to see women as things for our pleasure rather than people. If you have spent hundreds of hours looking at porn, you have horribly distorted your image of women and sex. Please do not think you are somehow immune to this, you are not. Please do not think stopping porn use will magically fix things, it will not. Your thinking about sex and women has been changed; fixing that will take time and effort (and hopefully plenty of prayer).

If you are using or have used porn, your wife is in a sexual relationship with a man who does not have a normal sexuality. You are messed up, and that makes sex difficult and not nearly as good as it should be. If you deny that, you will continue making a mess of your sex life. If you accept what you have done, you will have a chance to deal with it.

mini-upgradeIf you have used porn much at all, I suggest you tell your wife you realise you have made a mess of your sexuality. Ask her to forgive you for that, and for all the pain and struggle this has injected into your sex life. Commit to learning to see women and sex as God intended.

Speaking of porn use: the TMB survey for this week is on this very subject. Can you give me a couple of minutes to take this anonymous survey? Thanks!

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8 comments
FreedomTruthMarriage
FreedomTruthMarriage

I think what adds to the severity of this is the rise of amateur porn. On TMB's FB page, and other marriage/porn comments you read of how porn "isn't real" and the women are "fake" or "plastic." Pictures in magazines are "airbrushed."  With the ability to upload videos from a phone to a website normal looking people can upload themselves. No more fake body parts, plastic surgery, botox, etc. Amateur porn has arguable become the most searched-for type of pornography out there. How does this affect the viewer?
* It tells them that this is normal, even for "normal" couples. Wild, slutty, do-anything chicks could be next door. No longer is the idea of a porn star confined to a professional actress.
* It tells them that "normal" people get to do things their spouse may not go for. For example, a specific act or grooming technique.
* It more deeply affects how they view any woman. No longer are the tall, lean, blond walking down the street in high heels the objects of lust. When you realize that the checker at the grocery store could be making a home video, now she is dehumanized to the level of a porn star.

Add to this the ample access of "true porn" in written form, it adds to the problem. True porn? Websites that feature people telling of their own experiences further adds to the fire of "Everybody else is doing _____, why aren't we?"

Porn has so saturated our culture it has now become "normal."  I can't imagine the long-term spillover effect from this.

mrdaver911
mrdaver911

I hate porn...probably more than just about anything. I have seen first hand the damage porn use can bring to a life and marriage. The porn induced ED and PE. The lack of desire for 'normal' sex with my wife. The dissatisfaction with real life sex that never measures up to the imaginations of evil men.

I have been (mostly) porn free for 4 months now...okay I've stumbled 4 or 5 times, and my life is significantly better overall. I am more focused, and I have noticed some physiological effects from stopping porn and masturbation outside of the marriage bed; my voice has actually gotten noticeably deeper, I am more calm and relaxed, I have more energy and confidence overall.

To be honest, the the greater the distance I have from porn the more I am able to 'be present' with my wife. To be excited with the body and personality of the wife the God gave me...instead of thinking about what she will or won't do. Or creating my own version of marriage sexuality.

I thank God that he has given me a wife that is patient and forgiving and understands that she has a husband that had a damaged view of sexuality.

Yeah, porn destroys. Men, lives, marriages. It leaves nothing but that which does not satisfy .

I have stopped, and my life is getting better. My marriage is getting better. And by the grace of God it will continue to. Thank you for continuing to talk about this, it is of paramount importance that we quit porn. It's like asking someone to give you cancer and paying them for it...

lovemarriagesex
lovemarriagesex

"Please do not think you are somehow immune to this, you are not." 

Yes, yes and yes.  I think that sometimes, people think they can "control" their usage of porn and that it can help "teach tricks" or "boost" their sex life.  Porn is actually highly detrimental sexually to men (and women) in many ways.  I found this website: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ that has some great research and articles about porn addiction and how porn affects the brain.  It's not from a Christian standpoint but it's some great scientific stuff.   The porn industry can be equated to the tobacco industry, as far as I am concerned, but is much less regulated.

HotHolyHumorous
HotHolyHumorous

There are some many interesting studies now on the negative effects of pornography on the brain, that it's  a wonder any marriage expert anywhere can defend it with a straight face. I was unaware of this study, but I know of another in which male college participants became increasingly willing to mistreat a sexual partner the more porn they watched. They clearly began to see the opposite sex as something akin to their personal toys. It was sad really. (And also sad to me that these men now have those images stuck in their head because of a study.)


Thanks for speaking up!

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@FreedomTruthMarriage Great thoughts! I can see how the "every woman" thinking would make it even worse.


Written porn is a lot bigger than most people realise, and very damaging as it builds preferences and feeds perversions. The other day I read about a fellow who could only climax while watch a certain kind of animated porn. No real woman can give him what he now needs for sex.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@mrdaver911 Glad to hear you are getting free!


Stumbles are unfortunate, but a given. Look at how often they happen over time - if less and less, you are doing well.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@lovemarriagesex I have minor issues with your-brain-on-porn, but it is a great site. More and more therapists and counsellors are seeing so much first hand evidence of what Internet porn does that they can no longer pretend it is harmless.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@HotHolyHumorous If you are talking about the study I think you are, the effect was seen even with porn that was not violent and did not show women negatively


Scary stuff!. 

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