Porn – Again

January 18, 2014

in Sexuality, The "D" word

Yesterday I posted the results of our survey on porn use on the TMB website. Based on the stats for the bitly links, I know more than half the men who took the survey got to it from the link I gave here last Saturday.

The good news in the survey results is the number of men using porn was somewhat lower than for other surveys, and frequency was also lower. This is to be expected as the survey audience is mostly men and women who are serious about following the Lord.

The bad news is use was still rather high. Sixty-one percent of men choose to look at porn at least once in the last 60 days, and 21% did so more than once a week. (These numbers exclude any accidental viewing.)

On-line Porn © Stuart Miles | freedigitalphotos.net

 

What most bothered me was that more than 10% of the men who used porn added a comment indicating their wife’s sexual refusal was a factor in their use. A few full-out blamed her, saying they wouldn’t use it if she were sexually available while others indicated it was a factor, but not the sole reason. At least three men said porn was the only reason they had not divorced their wife while several more said it was what was keeping them from adultery. It seems a good many men think of porn as the lesser of several evils. While I can agree porn use is less horrible than adultery or divorce, I fear that kind of thinking is used to justify porn use. If someone said keeping his wife chained up in the basement was better than murdering her, I would have to agree, but that wouldn’t make such captivity a good thing. If a man felt murder and chained up were his only choices I’d want him to get help!

I fully get that sexual refusal increases the temptation to use porn – this is an obvious fulfilment of 1 Cor 7:5However, temptation does not mean one has no hope of avoiding sin!

I’ve been trying to understand why a man being refused by his wife would use porn. What does it benefit him? If you need release, you don’t need porn, so there must be something else.

Here are my thoughts, feel free to share your opinions in the comments. (Or email them to me anonymously via the comment form – just enter the fake email address fake@fakeinbox.com):

  • Revenge: Even if she doesn’t know about it, you know it would hurt her, and that helps you feel better.
  • Looking for more than release: Sex is far more than orgasm, and I can see porn being used to try to get some of what masturbation alone cannot provide.
  • Looking for better pleasure: Greater arousal means a better climax.

However, there are definite downsides to using porn:

  • If she finds out, it will reduce sex, or give her a more valid reason to say no.
  • If she finds out, she will make a big fuss.
  • If she finds out she might tell others.
  • If she finds out, she might leave.
  • Porn use usually results in asking for sex less often, which means less sex.
  • Porn makes you feel worse about what you’re not having with your wife.
  • It’s no good for my spiritual walk (51% of the men using porn in our survey said this).

When I do the math, not using porn seems like the obvious choice to me. It also seemed this way to me when we were having very little sex early in our marriage. What am I missing?

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6 comments
Jbosco
Jbosco

Viewing porn is adultery period. Their is no excuse for a christren man to use porn ever. That is what God says and I think that is all that matters.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Jbosco I agree. But since it is never mentioned as such in the Bible, I think it is good to discuss it and help others better understand the issue. 

Jbosco
Jbosco

@TheGenerousHusband @Jbosco


 Mt 5:28But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.


I think that is pretty clear. If you are viewing porn you are looking on a woman to lust and God calls that adultery! 

Jon0621
Jon0621

"It seems a good many men think of porn as the lesser of several evils. While I can agree porn use is less horrible than adultery or divorce, I fear that kind of thinking is used to justify porn use."

I totally disagree with this statement. When you consider that the porn industry is the backbone of the international sex trade and human trafficking industry, I would much rather have men commit adultery and get divorced than support the captivity and abuse of millions of young women. There's no contest. It is far better for a man to sabotage and destroy his own world than to get gratification from the complicit imprisonment and dehumanization of innocent young girls.

partanon
partanon

Commenting not directly about porn, but sexual refusal... My wife wanted to spend money on something without having any need for it, and offered a month (between 2 periods) of absolutely no sexual refusal in exchange. (Hole-y Trinity open, with the assumption she'd trust me to stop if too painful.) In comparison, she would otherwise usually refuse every other day. It was a deal I couldn't pass up.


As discovered, committing to and fulfilling "no sexual refusal" is easy. (Most challenging when I require her non-refusal before morning coffee.) It is, at worst, like cleaning a toilet, something important, very easy to do, and not labor or time intensive, only requiring setting one's mind that it is worth doing, as janitors do all the time.


So instead of being a chore to fulfill her side of the bargain, she is constantly asking what I have planned to take advantage of her complete submission, encouraging me to be creative. FYI, this is after 13 years and many children.


But that does relate to porn, slightly, perhaps. Prostitutes and porn actresses treat sex like a janitor treats cleaning a toilet. They have sex when required and don't wait for the mood to be right to do it. But that part, that is missing in many marriages, is what Paul acknowledged as the duty of both husband and wife to each other. Of course, Paul wasn't adding anything new over the OT, as such was required to be provided even in the most unequal of marriages, such as to a slave wife.

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