January 26, 2014

in 2013 Awesome Husband, LESSisMORE

Recently I’ve seen the issue of control a number of times. In my own life, in the lives of others, in the books I’m reading, on-line, and even in my dreams. I figure it’s not suddenly everywhere, rather I’m more aware of it because God wants to deal with me about control. Oh joy.

Control Button © Stuart Miles |

We all want to be in control of our lives. We want self-determination. We want to know where we are going and we want to be free to change directions whenever we feel like it. There are several problems with this, especially when we take it too far. A few of the big problems:

  1. The more I’m in control, the less control my wife has in our marriage and in her own life. I can exert control at her expense, or try to exert control and end up in a power struggle.
  2. Some things are beyond my control. Trying to exert control over those things is frustrating at best, and it can be downright destructive. 
  3. I think the Bible says something about God wanting to be in control of my life.

Are you trying to control your life or marriage in places where control isn’t possible? Are you controlling your life or marriage in ways you should not?

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © Stuart Miles |

Shop AmazonShop to give links page
We are donation supported – thanks for your help!
Where we’re going Contact us about speaking

Great tweet of the week:

It is often the conversations that we DON’T have, which single-handedly hold the power to hurt a marriage. @mrgwrks

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week:
Leadership Freak posted Servant not Slave ◄ This is written for businessmen people, but it is an excellent explanation of what a husband should look like. 

Do Not Disturb

Marriage Challenge: Saving Yourself for Marriage ◄ Not what you think – this is for those who are married.

The Generous Wife

Dealing With the Oops ◄ Are you gracious?

Marriage Life

Do We Treat Strangers Better? ◄ Is your wife getting your best?

refine us

2 Mistakes Couples Make Trying to Improve Their Marriage ◄ Neither of these will help!

Rock His World

Advice for Guys – Again ◄ Some great ways to show your love.

The Romantic Vineyard

Needed Nuggets Of Wisdom From A Marriage Of 55 Years ◄ Learn from those who have been doing it longer than you have.

Safe at home

Boring Consistency: A Cornerstone of Great Marriages ◄ Deep truth here.

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@High Country Control, as I understand the word, is not what God told husbands to be. Jesus is the head of the chruch, but He does not control us - we are not puppets or slaves.

The body does many things without the head being involved, and could not function if the head had to regulate all of what the body does. If you had to think about what to do when you touch something hot, you would get burned much more badly. 

The bigger issue is that I need to be leading my wife based on what God wants, not on what I feel like doing. If God wants me to let her be, than ANYTHING else is wrong.

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@High Country @TheGenerousHusband We may be arguing semantics here. Control does not allow for free will - control is an attempt to force things to happen. Jesus never told us to try to control ANYONE!

So you are saying God would never tell a man to let his wife do what she is doing? Surely you do not think God always wants a husband to step in and micro-mange his wife!

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@High Country @TheGenerousHusband  You keep using words the Bible does not use, or does not use as you use them. "Manages" is a perfect example. God never tells men to manage their homes, but He does tell WOMEN to do that:

So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households... [1 Timothy 5:14a]

This verse makes it very clear that a man is not supposed to "manage" his wife and household. He is expected to trust his wife to do much of this. The Proverbs 31 woman is a perfect example of this. Look at all the things it says she does, and never does it tell us she does them after she checks with her husband. He has learned that she is mature and wise, and he knows he can trust her. No doubt, they have discussed various things and no doubt he keeps an eye on her, but he is in not controlling her life.

THIS IS NOT "modern teachers" - this is the clear Word of God, thousands of years old!

You think our grandfathers had all the sex they wanted? History says otherwise. Most of the men who had a lot of sex were getting it by fear and force, and the wife was miserable. Yes the families looked good, but far too often it was an act. Many of these women were exceeding unhappy under a tyrant of a husband. It was these men who were listening to a new teaching that was not of God. They did not treat their wives as God advises and commands and their families reaped the consequences.

All that said, I agree that a man should set some rules and hold some hard lines when necessary. Most of your examples are fine, but the "get naked now" is not at all loving and not biblically defensible. At best it is a sure way to keep her from wanting and enjoying sex, at worst is abuse. Does he know or care she is so tired she will fall asleep? Does he know or care she is cramping and in pain? A "man" who puts his penis ahead of his wife is not a man, he is a boy in a man's body.  

Nathan N.
Nathan N.

I will second the focus on control. I had a dream a couple of nights ago about control. The dream showed me some things about me that I needed to see. In the end, the most that I can do is to admit my lack and ask God to change me. He will be faithful....

Previous post:

Next post: