Why Some Women Don’t Want to Orgasm Every Time

February 1, 2014

in Links to good stuff, Sexuality, XY link

I’ve suggested in the past some women don’t want to orgasm every time, and a couple of weeks ago I pointed to Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm by J of Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Because of comments on those posts, as well as questions from The XY Code readers asking why her climax is such a big deal to him, we did a survey on the issue. The full results are on The Marriage Bed site. Below are the takeaways for husbands.

Why? © Ambro | freedigitalphotos.net 

I should note previous surveys have shown us the women responding to our surveys are mostly pro-sex, so the results for a more representative sample of Christian women would likely give lower rates of desire. Still, the survey makes some great points. 

Bottom Line First:

If she wants it, she should have it, and you should do whatever it takes to get her there. The vast majority of men don’t need to be told this, and those who do have problems beyond the bedroom. That said, many women can and do enjoy sex without orgasm on occasion. If she doesn’t think it is a problem, but you do, are you creating a problem? I understand being concerned if she climaxes only on rare occasions. If this is the case, look at her life and see if there are non-sexual stresses that might be limiting her ability to orgasm. If she’s happy with not climaxing on some occasions, don’t let your thoughts and ideas get in the way.

Have a good open talk, and do your best not to push her or act frustrated. Ask her questions and listen. Tell her you want to understand, or, at least, to know how she feels. Make it abundantly clear you’re ready to do whatever she wants every time, and then trust her to tell you what she wants.

How often does she want sexual contact with you to result in her having an orgasm?

  • Only 22% want to climax every time.
  • 35% want to climax at least 90% of the time, but not every time.
  • 19% want to climax 75% to 90% of the time.
  • 14% said 50% to 75% of the time.
  • 6% want to climax 25% to 50% of the time.
  • 4% want to climax less than 25% of the time.

There was some age-related variation:

  • Women in their 30’s were the least likely to say every time (18%) while women in their 40’s were most likely (28%).
  • The number who wanted to climax 75% of the time or more went up with age:
    • 20’s – 71%
    • 30’s – 75%
    • 40’s – 79%
    • 50+ – 80%

It might make her say no:

  • Ten percent sometimes say no to sex because they felt their husband would push them to climax.
  • Ten percent said no in the past to avoid being expected to have an orgasm.

Why would she not want to orgasm? (Multiple answers possible)

  • 33% said because they sometimes aren’t emotionally there or not feeling connected.
  • 30% said sometimes it was just too much work to climax.
  • 30% due to being too tried.
  • 19% because they fear they will be unable to even if they try.
  • 14% have wanted to skip orgasm to focus on the emotional connection of sex.
  • 11% say their husband wants sex more often than they do.
  • Medication or medical conditions can make climax difficult.
  • Most women can’t climax during a quickie.
  • Hormonal change of pregnancy or menstrual cycle can make orgasm difficult.

A few women complained their husband doesn’t do enough to get them to climax, but this was rare. Several said if they feel pressured that makes it more difficult to climax. Some feel pressured when he climaxes, even if he doesn’t apply pressure. 

In the comments one woman said, “Of course, a woman wants to climax every time…” but a number of other comments were contrary to this:

  • Sex is great! I don’t have to orgasm to enjoy myself!!! 
  • I can initiate and enjoy the intimacy even though I know I may not climax.
  • I don’t feel it’s necessary. Sex to me is about the emotional, physical and spiritual connection and I can have that without an orgasm. Orgasms are extremely nice but is not the goal for me.
  • Orgasm seems to be very important to him. Can’t understand that I can enjoy myself even if I don’t orgasm.

Other comments:

  • He likes me to each time. I don’t feel it is necessary each time.
  • If a woman wants to climax-great! If she doesn’t-for whatever reason- she should not feel forced.
  • Of course, a woman wants to climax every time, but it can’t always happen. Pushing for that causes more stress than it’s worth, when having sex can feel great without that elusive climax. It’s more difficult to climax when a man pushes you for it, plus it takes away from the enjoyment of the act. As long as I climax sometime, I’m happy.
  • He doesn’t intentionally make me feel pressured, but often his wish that I would climax creates a feeling of pressure which immediately reduces the likelihood that it will happen. Performance anxiety,
  • If the wife expects to have an orgasm every time she would never get the chance to give a gift of pleasure to her husband. Is it required for the husband to climax every time? Can a husband initiate sexual pleasure for his wife simply because she desires stimulation?
  • My husband says he gets more pleasure out of bringing me to orgasm than when he climaxes himself.
  • Multiple orgasms every time, please!
  • Sexual intimacy isn’t just about orgasm…it’s more about a multi-level connection with the one you love.
  • I love sex and pretty much any sexual or physical contact with my husband. I love seeing him naked and love that I really desire him so very much even after many years of marriage. I understand the work & time it takes for me to climax and that sometimes that won’t work.
  • Wanting to orgasm and not being able to is way worse.
  • I don’t feel like the wife HAS to climax every time. Sometimes for me I couldn’t.
  • In the past when I had sex because I had to, I wanted to just lay there and get it over with. I became angrier when he tried to push me to enjoy it. I thought he was being selfish by pushing me to enjoy it just so he’d feel justified in using me for his own pleasure. I didn’t see myself as the selfish one until just over a year ago. Now I understand wanting to being pleasure to your spouse. I was so messed up before.
  • I wish I COULD every time, but it’s really hard to achieve and I don’t know why, it wasn’t hard to come when I was younger, now I am 56, and I rarely come now.
  • I feel guilty for having my husband put so much time and effort into my pleasure, when it is so easy for me to please him. He will sometimes get frustrated that I’m more ‘difficult’ to please than he is.
  • I always want the option to climax, though it’s not always easy or possible for me to and I don’t need it to enjoy sex.
  • My husband enjoys sex more if we both reach climax. He doesn’t feel like he’s “done his job” if I don’t climax.
  • I believe it’s easier to forgo orgasm from time to time when the wife regularly climaxes. It’s like passing up a meal now and again, and even if you’re a little hungry, it’s no big deal because you know you’ll eat again really soon and it will be a delicious dish.
  • Thankful that my husband is understanding that I don’t need to climax each time. But i still freely give myself to him and enjoy being intimate with him. It’s still nice to have the affection.
  • I often feel emotional (because of troubles with friends, kids, life) or my mind is rushing with stressful thoughts and worries. On some days it can be hard for me to let go of stuff to focus on my own sexual feelings. I can force it but the O is usually not worth the effort.
  • Due to our sex life being all about what my husband wants and needs, sex is very unfulfilling. I read all the time about how brings spouses together. Our sex life drives a wedge between us in my heart. Sex feels like a violation, it does not feel like love.
  • I don’t think that it’s a lack of wanting to sometimes it’s just the need to sleep takes priority over the need for an orgasm. There are times when it’s okay to be there and be intimate without a goal of orgasm
  • No. I figure the actual number of orgasms evens out. I don’t orgasm every time, but when I go for it, I have multiple (amazing) orgasms and he only gets to have one at time. Lol
  • Depending on so many factors my body just does not always cooperate with what I want it to so no I do not think a wife has to climax every single time. I wish I did but having that expectation messes up a beautiful experience between my husband & I if for some reason it isn’t happening.
  • My husband and I enjoy a great physical relationship as we are each concerned for our spouse’s pleasure without regard for our own and so we can focus on each other without pressure.
  • I’m sure I wouldn’t have answered the same in my 20’s. I am much more sexually relaxed and confident now, understand my arousal pattern, stimulation and climax is different as a woman and designed to be that way-different not better or worse, understand that intercourse alone is probably not going to do it for me, more willing to allow myself to be a person who enjoys sex and takes pleasure in it, more willing to experiment and ask for what I want, more accepting and confident in my beautiful body, more willing to initiate and be playful-yes I expect and want to orgasm every time. The double standards of our society affected me more as a younger woman. Sadly then I didn’t enjoy sex as much, didn’t expect as much and often my goal was to just have my husband orgasm so we could be done. Happily those days are far behind!
  • Though I don’t think the wife has to orgasm every time you have sex to have a satisfying experience, the husband ought to seek to pleasure her and satisfy her first before himself.
  •  He makes sure I am always first unless I say go ahead it’s not going to work this time…  I want him to come to ME for what he needs when he needs it and if I can give it I am happy to and vise versa. 
  • My husband says the best part of sex is hearing me when he pleasures me. Before I understood that, I was resentful because he wanted me to have multiple orgasms every time. I felt pressured to perform. We understand each other better now, after years of arguing over this and other relationship issues.
  • He doesn’t seem to understand how I ‘work’ and moves to fast. Sometimes I feel like I have to ‘catch up’ and then it is difficult to climax. On the flip side, I don’t know how to explain to him what I need.
  • It was initially really hard to him to wrap his mind around the idea that I could actually enjoy sex without climaxing, but I truly can! I don’t think every woman needs to orgasm every time. And having that pressure placed on the wife probably makes it more difficult to in the first place. There are different aspects of bonding with my husband that I only experience when I don’t climax. For example, focusing on how sweet it is to watch him enjoy me, or meditating on how grateful I am for my husband. The way I’m thinking during sex can be a huge part of bonding with him, and thinking with such depth and clarity is a little, um, challenging when I’m having an intense physical experience.

 

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5 comments
goombah101010
goombah101010

Seems like the women are okay without orgasm but that it DEFINITELY MAKES IT BETTER. im a guy, i can have sex without an orgasm, but would having an orgasm be better? yes. of course its gonna be 100% different for guys but still. also some women can orgasm on a dime and some have never had one no matter how hard they try. 


The husband would or at least Should only want their partner to orgasm if they want, the only reason he would or should think about forcing it would be to make her feel the best she can feel. a man wants her woman satisfied and sometimes women lie about wanting an orgasm to make their man feel better. nothing wrong with lying... right?

treeman
treeman

Interesting survey and comments.  If these women are more pro-sex than most Christian women, it only strengthens the point that most feel they don't need to orgasm EVERY time, and that we husbands don't need to feel bad if they can't always get there.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@treeman  Very true. Of course the other issue is that most women should be most pro sex, but that is a much bigger and more complex issue. 

HAPPY WIFEY
HAPPY WIFEY

Hey i need advice i have a small prob with the O. I am trying really hard not to have one, but its so difficult. I dont know how to stop. Ever sinsince the first time my husband and i were intimate ive reached climax too the MAX and now i even get these terrible headaches because of trying not to... Can u plz tel me hw can i not reach climax?

themarriagebed
themarriagebed moderator

@HAPPY WIFEY  Why would you want to avoid climax? God intened you to enjoy sex so relax and enjoy!

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