Last week we did a survey asking husbands and wives how often they have sex and how often they want sex. There was actually a great deal of agreement on this from men and women.
The caveat here is that our respondents are not a cross sample of the general population. Based on previous surveys, we know the vast majority are Christians who are serious about their faith. We also know most are very sex positive. In particular, the men are more spiritually minded than the average pew sitter, and the women are more sex positive (See Sex Positive Christians) than the average church going woman.
How often do these sex positive women want sex?:
At every age up to 54, a large group of women said they would like to be sexual with their husband 3 or 4 times a week. What’s more, those who wanted even more sex outnumbered those who wanted less.
Men gave very similar answers:
Even more amazing than how many women want sex about every other day is the fact that those who want sex more than four times a week is larger than the number of men who want sex more than four times a week. For those under age 25 it was 25% of men and 48% of women. For older ages, the women wanting more sex outnumbered the men by as much as eight times.
I know many of you are questioning the data here, because your wife certainly does not want sex every other day. There are a number of possibilities, one or more of which may be holding your wife back.
- Perhaps she is not sex positive. This is sadly very common among Christian women.
- Maybe she would like more sex, but the two of you have such a busy life it is not possible. Busyness, tiredness, and stress result in many couples having less sex than either of them wants.
- It could also be that relationship issues are holding her back. One women who said she was having sex 1-3 times a month said in the comments “I’m not happy with the relationship and don’t feel close at all, so I only want it for physical pleasure and not an emotional connection. In happier times the frequency was 2-3 times a week and we were both good with that.” In other words, she is having enough sex to take care of her physical drive, but would want and enjoy a lot more sex if she felt better about the relationship. This is a common thing. Most women’s physical sex drive is far smaller than their emotional sex drive. However, the emotional drive disappears when women do not feel close to their husband.
- Maybe you are expecting too much. One woman put it this way “My husband would like more but only wants to have sex if I will climax. He does not want to be the only one. If we do it more than 3-4 times/week it is a lot harder for me to enjoy it because my drive is not as high.” This lady’s husband could be having more sex if he was okay with being the only one who climaxed on some occasions. I know it is difficult for us to understand, but some women are just fine with some sex not including orgasm for them, and some actually want sex more often than they want to climax. (I recently discussed this in Why Some Women Don’t Want to Orgasm Every Time.)
Bottom Line: If a woman is sex positive, feels good about her relationship, is not too busy or stressed, and her husband listens to what she wants sexually, the odds are she will want as much or more sex as her husband.
Yes, there are a lot of ifs there, but it means God did not set up the sexual stalemate most men are living. When it goes right, women want a great deal of sex. If your wife does not want much sex, the question is why?