In yesterday’s post, How Much Sex is Enough Sex? I forgot to link to Sex Positive Christians, an article I wrote for The Marriage Bed. In short, I see sex positive about being for things that lead to a long, enjoyable sex life, and being against things that prevent a long, enjoyable sex life. It also means making sex a priority in your marriage.
Yesterday I mentioned that a woman not being sex positive is a common problem, especially among Christian women. However, please do not decide this is the problem in your marriage and just ignore other factors. The other things I mentioned can put a sex positive woman off sex, and can cause a woman to become less sex positive. While the sex positive issue is often part of the problem, it is often only part, and not always the biggest part.
Many women experience a physical sex drive, but some do not. I suspect some who do not feel such a drive should, but have repressed it. Some may not have such a drive at all, although I think that is rare. Women have an emotional desire for sex, and for many (most?) women this is greater than their physical drive. The “problem” is the emotional drive is much more easily ignored or derailed than a physical drive.
When everything is working right, her drive, and his drive should be rather close. When things are not working right, her drive suffers far more than his, resulting in the stereotypical husband wanting more sex than the wife does.
It is difficult for women to be sex positive because we live in a world that attacks women’s sexuality from a very young age. Society causes body image issues, and the media skews sex in various ways, while the Church makes women feel guilty for having a sex drive. The perception, even by many Christian women, is that they have to “put out” sexually to get repeat dates and eventually a proposal for marriage. Having sex with over-aroused young men who have little understanding of female sexuality does not teach women to enjoy sex. Physical pleasure is rare for women in such situations, and emotional ambivalence – or worse is common. Frankly if your wife is not sexually screwed up by the time you marry her, she is unusual.
So the big question: How do you fix not being sex positive?
- Pray. Really pray. Pray some more. Keep praying
- Connect with your wife in every non-sexual way possible. Spend time, touch her non-sexually, talk with her, and pray with her. Build a relationship that facilitates a good sex life.
- Help her reduce stress and business in her life. These are major sex killers.
- Be honest with her. I know you want her to enjoy sex for her, but it is also for you. If you try to sell it as all being about her, she will know you are not being honest, and that will shut the whole thing down.
- Expand what you are willing to do/settle for sexually. Have sex just for you if she wants to do that. Try sex for both of you without intercourse if she likes. Be flexible with time, position, and form of foreplay. Let her find what works for her.
- Treat the issue of sex like a form of intimacy, not something to joke about. Crude is not a turn on for most women. Sarcasm about sex is also a very bad plan.
All of the above puts her in a good place to become sex positive, but it will not make the change. Becoming sex positive requires a change in her thinking. You cannot cause that change, and it is unlikely you can push her in the right direction. This takes you back to prayer!
The good news is there are a growing number of openly sex positive Christian women out there. Some are blogging, speaking, and writing about it, while far more are spreading the message in their circle of friends. In the past women who were grumpy about sex were the most common voice, but that is changing. Sex positive women are speaking up, and in some places, they are speaking up in such numbers that the sex grumpy women are thinking twice before sharing their message. There are almost certainly married women at your church who think sex is awesome, so pray your wife become friends with one of them. If she is on-line, pray she will repeatedly stumble across sex positive Christian women. Pray for God to nudge her in His loving way – if she starts to pray about sex good things will happen.
I know some of you feel it is just too late for your marriage. I am sure that is true for some, but it is not as much of a lost cause as you think. Consider the blog The Forgiven Wife - Learning to Dance with Desire. The author says this about herself “The mission of this blog is to encourage Christian wives as they break away from sexual refusing and gate-keeping. After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I have learned to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with my husband.” This woman is not alone – we have spoken with dozen of women who learned to want and enjoy sex after two or three decades of marriage. How Christians see sex is changing, and I pray that change invades your marriage!
Great tweet of the week:
Infidelity begins in the heart long before it’s carried out in the body. Keep your heart pure @mrgwrks
Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:
New blog this week – Leading Men Only. I found this excellent blog when the author started to post comments on The Generous Husband. Just one question – what does a Canadian living in Scotland sound like?
Black and Married with Kids
4 Bad Listening Habits that Are Impacting Your Relationship ◄ Check yourself on these.
How Many Ways Are You Choosing to Cheat on Your Spouse? ◄ Cheating is far more than sex.
5 Reasons I Think Sex is Better After 40 ◄ So much better!
The Generous Wife
Journey to Surrender
Leading Men Only
The Romantic Vineyard
If Your Walls Could Speak… (A Valentine Giveaway) ◄ Great resource for making your home more personal.