Sex Positive? How Can My Wife Become That?

February 9, 2014

in ~ list info, Sex Positive, Sexuality

In yesterday’s post, How Much Sex is Enough Sex? I forgot to link to Sex Positive Christians, an article I wrote for The Marriage Bed. In short, I see sex-positive as being for things that lead to a long, enjoyable sex life and being against things that prevent a long, enjoyable sex life. It also means making sex a priority in your marriage.

Bible and panties © Paul H. Byerly

Yesterday I mentioned that a woman not being sex positive is a common problem, especially among Christian women. However, please don’t decide this is the problem in your marriage and just ignore other factors. The other things I mentioned can put a sex positive woman off sex or cause a woman to become less sex positive. While the sex positive issue is often part of the problem, it’s often only part, and not always the biggest part.

Many women experience a physical sex drive, but some don’t. I suspect some who don’t feel such a drive should but have repressed it. Some may not have such a drive at all, although I think that’s rare. Women have an emotional desire for sex, and for many (most?) women, this is greater than their physical drive. The “problem” is the emotional drive is much more easily ignored or derailed than a physical drive. 

When everything is working right, her drive and his drive should be rather close. When things aren’t working right, her drive suffers far more than his, resulting in the stereotypical husband wanting more sex than the wife. 

It’s difficult for women to be sex positive because we live in a world that attacks women’s sexuality from a very young age. Society causes body image issues, the media skews sex in various ways, and the Church makes women feel guilty for having a sex drive. The perception, even by many Christian women, is that they have to “put out” sexually to get repeat dates and eventually a proposal for marriage. Having sex with over-aroused young men who have little understanding of female sexuality doesn’t teach women to enjoy sex. Physical pleasure is rare for women in such situations, and emotional ambivalence – or worse is common. Frankly, if your wife wasn’t sexually screwed up by the time you married her, she is unusual.

So the big question: How do you fix not being sex positive?

  • Pray. Really pray. Pray some more. Keep praying
  • Connect with your wife in every non-sexual way possible. Spend time, touch her non-sexually, talk with her, and pray with her. Build a relationship that facilitates a good sex life. 
  • Help her reduce stress and business in her life. These are major sex killers.
  • Be honest with her. I know you want her to enjoy sex for her, but it is also for you. If you try to sell it as all being about her she’ll know you’re not being honest, and that will shut the whole thing down.
  • Expand what you’re willing to do/settle for sexually. Have sex just for you if she wants to do that. Try sex for both of you without intercourse if she likes. Be flexible with time, position, and form of foreplay. Let her find what works for her.
  • Treat the issue of sex like a form of intimacy, not something to joke about. Crude is not a turn on for most women. Sarcasm about sex is also a very bad plan.

All of the above puts her in a good place to become sex positive, but it won’t make the change. Becoming sex positive requires a change in her thinking. You can’t cause that change, and it’s unlikely you can push her in the right direction. This takes you back to prayer! 

The good news is there are a growing number of openly sex-positive Christian women out there. Some are blogging, speaking, and writing about it, while far more are spreading the message in their circle of friends. In the past women who were grumpy about sex were the most common voice, but that’s changing. Sex positive women are speaking up, and in some places, they are speaking up in such numbers that the sex grumpy women are thinking twice before sharing their evil message. There are almost certainly married women at your church who think sex is awesome, so pray your wife become friends with one of them. If she’s on-line, pray she will repeatedly stumble across sex positive Christian women. Pray for God to nudge her in His loving way – if she starts to pray about sex good things will happen.

I know some of you feel it’s just too late for your marriage. I’m sure that’s true for some, but it’s not as much of a lost cause as you think. Consider the blog The Forgiven Wife – Learning to Dance with Desire. The author says this about herself “The mission of this blog is to encourage Christian wives as they break away from sexual refusing and gate-keeping. After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I have learned to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with my husband.” This woman is not alone – we’ve spoken with dozens of women who learned to want and enjoy sex after two or three decades of marriage. How Christians see sex is changing, and I pray that change invades your marriage! 

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Great tweet of the week:

Infidelity begins in the heart long before it’s carried out in the body. Keep your heart pure @mrgwrks

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

New blog this week – Leading Men Only. I found this excellent blog when the author started to post comments on The Generous Husband. Just one question – what does a Canadian living in Scotland sound like?

Black and Married with Kids

4 Bad Listening Habits that Are Impacting Your Relationship ◄ Check yourself on these.
How Many Ways Are You Choosing to Cheat on Your Spouse? ◄ Cheating is far more than sex.
5 Reasons I Think Sex is Better After 40 ◄ So much better!

The Generous Wife

Couple Mentality ◄ Does the fact that you are married show up in many of your conversations?
Pause Just a Moment ◄ Stop. Think. Then Speak.

Journey to Surrender

Intimacy Challenge! Free in February!! ◄ Worth far more than you pay for it!
Forget the False Filters ◄ Been there, done that, trying to change.

Leading Men Only

Is Common Courtesy Common Anymore? ◄ This one hits a little too close!
WARNING: Habits Can Be Hazardous To Your Health ◄ Have you examined your habits recently? Might be time!

The Romantic Vineyard

If Your Walls Could Speak… (A Valentine Giveaway) ◄ Great resource for making your home more personal.


Sex in marriage is sacred. As couple, you should do it as much as you can.


Good article, really good.

I would add:  to KEEP your wife sex-positive, have sex with her and MAKE it a priority.  I realize that most of these posts talk of the majority of women who are anything but sex positive, but some of us very high driven sex positive wives would truly love sex more than just once a week.  And it isn't just more frequency we desire, but to have our husbands actually make it appear (whether true or not) that making love to their wives is high priority.

Okay, just my .02 cents. ;)

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@amy65  I know the wife is the one being refused in 20-25% of marriages, so your reminder is spot on.


@TheGenerousHusband @amy65 Great Post!!  But what research do you have that shows that the wife is the one being refused in 20-25% of marriages.  I have never seen that data before.  (Not your crazy surveys I hope)

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@TGSantini @TheGenerousHusband @amy65  This is hardly new - TIME did the article Help for Sex-Starved Wives( six years ago. In a survey done by last year 62% of the MEN said they say no to sex more often their their female partner.

The 20% to 25% number comes from those who work with couples. I've seen as low as 15% and higher than 25% but the majority put it in that range. 

There is debate about why the seemingly sudden change. Is it really new, or is it just that women are now willing to talk about it? I think it is some of both.


Thank you so much for encouraging people to take a look at my blog Paul. If a wife is ready to visit and think about making some changes, this page might be a good place for her to start:

When I began this journey, I had no idea that the changes in sex would lead to a stronger marriage in every area, including the emotional intimacy I had been craving all along.


Another good piece Paul. Thank you. I'm praying. 

Thanks too for your links to my blog. I truly am honoured and blessed. As to what a Canadian sounds like living in Scotland...confused. When I go back to Canada they say I sound Scottish. Here in Scotland they say I sound Canadian. To me, I sound like me. I'm sure glad you cannot tell when I am writing! :)

TheGenerousHusband moderator

@UBAwesome  It all read just fine. Had a friend in Scotland we communicated with by email for a couple of years. Then we tried an audio chat and we could not even recognise half the words she said!


There are some accents here that are really tough to understand. I can interpret the next time for you. :)

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