Imagine If You Will…

February 15, 2014

in 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Seeing Clearly, YOU4HER

Imagine the following:

For years, your sex life with your wife has been much less than you’d like. Hearing “no” more often than you hear “yes” is only part of the problem. When you do have sex she’s rarely involved, and while she has never said “hurry up” you’re sure she feels that way most of the time.

Then these changes unfold over six months:

  • YES! © adamr | freedigitalphotos.netShe stops saying no.
  • She comes to bed naked.
  • She is involved in sex every time.
  • She initiates!
  • She starts enjoying sex more.
  • She buys the kind of lingerie only worn so you can remove it. 
  • She suggests a new position or sex act.
  • She initiates so often you almost never get to ask.
  • She tells you how great sex is and how much she enjoys it.
  • One night you’re tired, and you’ve had sex a number of days in a row, and she starts up. You tell her you’d like to, but you just don’t think you’re up to it. She proceeds to prove to you that you are up to it, doing something you thought she would never do, and you have the best sex of your life.

Tell me, with these changes, how would you feel about your wife? Would you feel loved? Would you feel more loving? Would you be willing to do all kinds of things for her? Would you find yourself doing all kinds of things for her without even trying?

This is exactly what the 2014 Marriage Upgrade is all about – so blessing her with what she wants that she’s blown away. If you can figure out what she wants and provide it, you’ll have her attention, her love, and much more!

I admit it’s more difficult for us than it is for women. Mind blowing sex works for the majority of men, but no single thing works for the majority of women. In fact, for most women it’s not a single thing; it’s many things. Figuring out what will move her is likely to take more effort than giving her those things. But hey, we’re men, we like a good challenge, right?

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33 comments
WallyWood
WallyWood

A few generations ago, men believed there two different types of women, the sexy kind and the wifely-mother kind.

We now know that both kinds of woman are the same woman, lusty while courting and bored of that same old husband a few years after marriage.

Research supports a Darwinian explanation that the only way to reignite her lust, is a new and different man.

Basement Tapes
Basement Tapes

I agree with some of the others, that this verges on overselling. I suppose if I was pastor or counselor, the best promise I could make to a man is that if he blesses his wife in a Christlike manner, the takeaway is that he did right before God. Anything else is speculation on my part, because I don't know if his wife will react with awe, indifference or bitterness; I don't know if his wife has a soft heart, a damaged heart or a hard heart; I don't know if his wife has a disorder or abuse in her past, or daddy issues that she is working out; I don't know if his wife is actively seeking God, actively running from God, or is somewhere in the vast in-between. The idea that the super-godly hubby ends up with the Christian sex kitten just doesn't hold up, even on TMB.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@RickMiddleton  I did not promise a sex kitten, I said he would have "her attention, her love, and much more!

I do see how using sex as an analogy sets up the idea that if you want good sex you do these things. I think for many that would be the case but it was not what I intended. 

And yes, of course they should do it because it is right - just as their wives should be very sexual because it is right. Sadly many do not do things just because it is right. Basically I am saying what Jesus said when He talked about giving and receiving. He told us giving generously would mean receiving in the same measure, and that is what I am saying about marriage.


AndrewTheLesser
AndrewTheLesser

I think some of the commenters missed the point of the post.  The point is that knowing how wonderful it would make you feel if your wife suddenly started meeting your needs, you can imagine how wonderful it will make your wife feel if you start meeting her needs.  So the upshot is to encourage us to try meeting our wives needs, not pining away for what we dont have sexually.


However, I also want to say that if you go about meeting your wife's needs and expect a sudden sexual turnaround, well, you will be disappointed.  I have spent the past 6 years trying to meet as many of my wife's needs as I could.  She has noticed, and thanked me for it, but it has not created in her any desire to reciprocate.  I had to choose to continue trying to meet as many of her needs as I can because its the right thing to do, and not because I am getting anything out of it sexually. 

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@AndrewTheLesser  Bingo on the first paragraph, thanks.

On the second I fear you are right. This is especially true if there is a long history of little or no sex, or of her doing it just for him. A good sex life is far easier to maintain than it is to rebuild.

TGSantini
TGSantini

@TheGenerousHusband @AndrewTheLesser  


I agree with Andrew, you are way off base.  It is evil to do the right thing because you are hoping or counting on being rewarded with the sexual favors you list, as you very strongly imply.


We must do what is right to honor the Lord, not because you are expecting the sexual reward as you imply.


I think this line of reasoning which runs throughout your blog is a misinterpretation of scripture.  

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@TGSantini @TheGenerousHusband @AndrewTheLesser  So when Jesus said give and it shall be given to you unto you, He was giving evil advice?

The Bible is full of things that tell us doing A will result in B. Sometimes B is good, sometimes it is bad.

I agree it is a problem if your only reason for doing something is to get something, but biblical examples show me being aware of the connection is not evil.

TGSantini
TGSantini

@TheGenerousHusband @TGSantini @AndrewTheLesser

 When He said that he was not necessarily talking about the result happening in this world.


He didn't say if you do A expect B, even when it comes to your behavior and the behavior of your spouse.


He didn't promise rewards in this lifetime, in fact he promised quite a bit of suffering.


Haven't you read The Sermon on the Mount??

TGSantini
TGSantini

@TheGenerousHusband @TGSantini @AndrewTheLesseri


To illustrate:


 Man A is a wonderful husband and father.  But he is poor and his wife does not choose to have sex with him.


Man B is secretly a vicious criminal, but enjoys riches and a has a wonderful loving sexual relationship with his wife.


The Lord does bestow blessings on some of us, but why is a mystery to man.  Anyone who says they know why is a charleton.  


We can only try to control ourselves, our behavior, put it in the lords hands and ask for forgiveness where we have gone wrong.


I read through this blog and see a lot of men saying things that sound like demands for more or hotter sex from their wives, or they're "going to... divorce them in the name of Christianity" is the ultimate threat.


This is a gross misinterpretation of what Christ wanted for us.  He gave you that women to lean on, but he made no promises of a "sex kitten" as you say.  To think you deserve to have your sexual needs fulfilled because you are a Christian husband is lunacy.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@TGSantini @TheGenerousHusband @AndrewTheLesser  I think we have drifted rather far from the original point.

I have agreed doing something just for a reward is a bad plan. It is also gong to fail most of the time. However, I do not see being aware how it might benefit you as evil.

Please note I did not bring up the term sex kitten. I replied to that comment and said it was NOT what I meant.

As to sexual needs, Paul was very clear that both husband and wives have an obligation to meet their spouses God given sexual needs. In the Greek failing to do that is robbing your spouse of something that belongs to them. The tricky part here is that this is expected of each of us, but does not give any of us a right to demand or threaten when we do not receive it.

Jg196976
Jg196976

You make it sound like we married men can't have this kind of sex life unless we "do something". Several of my single friends don't have to do anything to have this kind of sex. Feels unfair to me.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Jg196976  I know plenty of married men who have this kind of sex. I suppose they are doing what they should, which seems like a good plan. Wanting something for nothing seems wrong to me.

Studies have found that married couples have more sex than singles. They also have the advantage of being in line with God.

e_mc2
e_mc2

On TMB you are tidious about not linking to any provocative content, while on this blog - and thus also in the Facebook feed! - you use borderline provocative images, that could be the drop that fills the cup for someone struggling with porn (and some of us will consider unsubscribing or starting thinking twice about facebooking with kids around). Seems a bit inconsistent to me.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@e_mc2  The image is at the far end of what we would put on the TMB site. It was cropped so there was less leg.

I suspect it is not the parts of the image as much as the suggestion the image puts into the mind. Regardless, thanks for the feedback, I will keep it in mind.

KBH
KBH

FYI I'm a woman and the wife my husband doesn't have to imagine in the bedroom-we have fun in the bedroom and live what you've written about here. I've followed all your blogs for awhile and do learn some new things but have to tell you I agree w e_mc2. There are messages on The Generous Husband I'd like my husband to read but I'd never ask him to subscribe because of the suggestive pictures you use in your posts and I'd be upset if I looked over and saw a picture like you've used here on his screen. Truthfully some of your pictures also made me wonder where you get them and what you're looking at-I've even considered unsubscribing to all the related blogs bc of these pictures and I probably wouldn't have mentioned anything if e_mc2 hadn't also. I hope this feedback helps.

JJWITTER5
JJWITTER5

@TheGenerousHusband @KBH Hello Paul,  I am not sure where these people are coming from but you do not have to change anything that you do with the pics you put on your posts.  My wife and I have read your posts for years and all of the pics are done in taste.  Like you said before there is not as much leg showing as it would be if you showed a woman in shorts. Most people would not say anything if you had posted a woman in shorts.  Sometimes I think some people need something to pick at.  You guys do an AWESOME job and let no  one tell you otherwise. You have inspired my wife and I to do a small group sex study with 2 other couples in our church.

Our church does not feel like this is something that should be talked about and help couples to spice up their marriage and answer any questions they have.  We are not perfect but we feel we have some answers to help others.  We have been married for 20 years and feel we have some experience...at least some.  We have an AWESOME sex life.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@JJWITTER5 @TheGenerousHusband @KBH  Thanks for your kind words.

I do want to be sensitive, and part of that is understanding why an image is offensive to someone. The picture was the most skin showed in over a year, so it was a bit of a departure.

So glad to hear you and your wife are doing a group study - thank you so much!

KBH
KBH

I apologize if you haven't used a picture like this in over a year--it is possible I may have confused your page with another. I was hoping to add helpful feedback on how using a picture like this could be perceived.

Showing a woman's bare lower legs standing in heels is not suggestive but add sexy panties coming down....to me this looks like something taken from a pornographic image and suggests that. Does this image encourage the refused husband reading to imagine his wife as your words are asking? I'm not sure. Whenever I see a picture like this on a Christian marriage blog I notice and wonder why it was thought necessary--many bloggers counsel often on the effects and dangers of porn to an individual and on the marriage so it's very confusing to see pictures like this. Again just hoping to give helpful input.

e_mc2
e_mc2

@TheGenerousHusband Of course it is not about the amount of skin - a full body bikini image would be better.


It would be easier to anser "Why is there a woman in bikini on daddys Facebook?". Or rather, the kids wouldn't ask, because there already are, with friends posting vacation pictures. But if the kids saw this image and asked - what would I say? "She is going to the toilet"???


(When they are old enought to also read and understand the contents of the post, well, then that's another matter...)


Just to be clear, apart from some images I think you are doing a great job!

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@KBH  You wonder what I am looking at? This image, like most of those I use, came from http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/. I like it because it is free and does not show full nudity. We also get images from http://www.dreamstime.com/. They do show full nudity, but I have the content filter on so I am not seeing it.

You say "some of your pictures". I just looked back, and the most recent thing even close to this was more than a year ago.

Perhaps it is not the amount of skin showing, but where the mind goes because of the image. The picture shows much less leg than would show with a rather modest pair of shorts. I have redropped the image – does it still seem bad?

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@e_mc2 @TheGenerousHusband  Got it, thanks.

There is always a tension between letting people know what a post is about and not offending. I have had people complain about my titles more than my images. Some of this is work place concerns, others are worried about what their kids will think.

I see the validity in those things, but I also understand that title is a significant part of getting a post in front of as many eyes as possible. It is not about numbers in the traditional sense since I am not making money per hit, but rather the reality that I cannot help people if they do not see what I write. Title helps or hurts retweets, shares, and even whether or not someone opens the email or RSS feed.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@KBH  No problem - I just could not figure out what other images would have been a problem.

I thought the image represented the change I was describing in the post in a non-graphic way. Clearly others saw it being far more graphic. Live and learn.

And yes, I do appreciate the input. 

KBH
KBH

Husband's and wife's clothing trailing to or lingerie laying next to an unmade bed....? Suggestion to imagine your spouse probably doesn't even need a graphic as well as many other good topics. Thank you for being open to feedback and for considering in the future if an image could be suggesting pornography and/or objectifying women (...maybe helpful to ask if you'd use the same version of a male for an article? ).

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@KBH  I've done one like that a couple of times.

Part of the frustration is most images that hint of sex are also going to have full nudity. Searching for such images on sites that do not have nudity, or with a filter on, results in very few options.

A Jardine
A Jardine

To me this discussion often skips over the central question.  1 Cor. 7.  Either your wife accepts her marriage responsibilities or she does not.  If not, nothing I do (or have done or could do) will make a difference.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@A Jardine  I could say the same about men who are not taking their marriage responsibilities seriously. 

I am all for sexual responsibility, and I have written about it a good deal. The sad reality is those articles don't do much for the people who are not living it already. If my choices are bemoaning the fact that people do not do what they should and offering ways to change that, I will offer changes.

TGSantini
TGSantini

@TheGenerousHusband @A Jardine


 Sorry to clue you guys in, but hitting your wife on the head with the bible ain't gonna get her to have sex more.


That's just self righteous white Christian guy BS.


In fact coerced sex of any kind is bad sex, unless you are a sicko.

A Jardine
A Jardine

I have studied my wife for 30+ years and I have no idea.  And if you knew my educational and professional background you would know I am a genius at recognizing patterns. 

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@A Jardine I suspect there are patterns, but you do not see or understand them. 

Women are a lot like spelling English words, there are rules, but there are so many exceptions the rules are of limited use. Add to that the fact that women are not all the same, and it becomes frustrating quickly.

bbh999
bbh999

Only two questions for her:

1) Who are you?

2) What have you done with my wife?

bbh999
bbh999

@TheGenerousHusband @bbh999I don't believe there is anything that will reach her hard heart.

She is always saying, "What happened to that wonderful husband I had for the first eight years we were married?" I tell her the truth - he got tired of all of the scubalon she dishes out. I think I'm paying for the sins of her first husband or perhaps he left for the same reasons she has put my life in the pits.

I do not have any idea why she married me - or anyone else. Almost as soon as we were married she started refusing sex most nights and denying me kisses. I haven't had a good "husband's kiss" in maybe 16 years. I believe she thought she could wean me off of kisses and sex and I wouldn't notice. What am I saying? We have sex regularly. At least once every six weeks or so. Occasionally, she will ask why I don’t ever initiate. I have to remind her of the hundreds of times I was refused; so to preserve at least some shred of my dignity, I refuse to be refused again.

She is the most distrustful person I have ever met. Innocent happenings and conversation are turned into evil plots designed to harm her or ruin her reputation or to disrespect her. As one example out of many, I used to try to share a cartoon with her while she was in the kitchen - the thing must be shared while it is fresh or it's no good, right? She would accuse me of an evil plot to make her ruin supper. This is something I would do without thinking with my first wife and we would both enjoy the humor together.

If the Sunday school material covers something about marriage or sex, for the next few days I get a double dose of push-back, disrespect and rebellion.

Everything that I do, she comes along behind and either criticizes my methods or sticks her hand in and "perfects" it. Everything I say, if she listens at all, is corrected or questioned.

Valentine’s Day we saw a movie on TV, Starting Over, with Burt Reynolds. He is divorced from Candace Bergen’s character (Jessica) who approaches him toward the end of the film with the idea of getting back together. They go out and wind up in her bedroom. I don’t know what my wife was thinking but I was thinking, “That’s exactly like preparing for sex in this house – except that Jessica didn’t insist on putting a towel on the bed before they climbed in.” It was all so clinical. Especially compared to the passion of the woman he hurt (Played wonderfully by Jill Clayburgh) to go back to his Ex.

Before I married this woman, I determined to be a servant leader to her. However, she won’t be served and she won’t be led. Attempts to do either are met with suspicion and push-back. I believe there is something clinically wrong with her but I don’t know what. We tried a counselor but he was useless.He never addressed any of her issues. He started off with the "Love Languages". Well I have told her in no uncertain terms my love language. It made no difference. There is so little physical touch that most of the time you would wonder if we are acquainted. As for her love language? The best I can tell, she has so little love that she doesn't have one.

The remaining 100 pages of this post are filled with the details filling in the generalities above. (These pages are omitted.)

After my first wife died, I was lonely and horny. Now I’m lonely, horny and angry.

PS: My first wife had legs like that. I’m glad you posted the picture. It brought back many great memories.

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