When Lori and I married, she has a LOT of sexual baggage. She knew she did and was completely honest about it before we got married. So, when our sex life crashed and burned during our first year together, we both knew it was because of her stuff. I thank God she was willing to accept her problems and work on them.
I was not without sexual problems. I’d not looked at porn for nine years, but my mind was still messed up by porn. My desires were warped, and my understanding of normal healthy sexuality was skewed. Because her problems were so obvious, and because she owned them so well, I ignored my problems. Big mistake! My stuff was also hurting our marriage and sex life. Some of my stuff was making her stuff even more painful for both of us. Some of my stuff made it difficult for her to work through some of her stuff.
Eventually, I realised I needed to own up to and deal with my sexual baggage. Doing that made life, and sex, better for both of us. Had I admitted and worked on my stuff sooner we both would have benefited. Additionally, we would have gotten to an awesome sex life sooner; maybe years sooner.
It’s rare for problems in marriage (sexual or otherwise) to be all about one person. Even when one person is the majority of the issue, their spouse usually has something they need to change. Focusing on the one who is most “at fault” may seem logical, but it’s not the best approach. Any good change by one person can make it easier for the other to change. The person who is less “at fault” has less to do, and should be able to make quicker progress. A small change can supercharge the change process for the spouse, or encourage them to work on change in the first place.
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