Who/What do You Blame?

March 13, 2014

in 2014 Marriage Upgrade, Change, Seeing Clearly, Understanding Her

Who or what do you blame when things go wrong? The other day my bride was having a problem with a computer program not doing what she wanted. Watching how she reacted, I realised a difference between the two of us. When like that happen, her default is to blame herself, whereas I would blame the program. Neither of these is a particularly good or helpful reaction. Both reactions are rooted in our childhood experiences.

Who or what do you blame when things go wrong? What is your default excuse or scapegoat? Can you see how your default is a result of early experiences? 

Blaming © Ambro | freedigitalphotos.net

Blame seems to come naturally to humans. (Just look at Adam and Eve!) Blame can make us feel better if we blame others, or make us feel worse if we put the blame on ourselves. What blame fails to do is fix anything. When you blame others, you are saying you do not have the responsibility or power to fix a problem. When you blame yourself, you are saying you are unable to fix it.

Applying blame to marriage problems is anything but helpful. Blame causes hard feelings, which get in the way of dealing with problems.

Be on the lookout for blame, and learn to see it for the danger it is.

If you are using blame, stop. Figure out why you resort to blame, and work on the roots.

If your wife is using blame, including blaming herself, look for loving ways to help her change. Try to figure out why she blames, and look for ways to deal with those things. Also, look for ways to discuss problems that will not trigger her blame reaction. 

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4 comments
1980BC
1980BC

Good post.  I hadn't considered the angle that blame is not only an attempt to keep yourself from being responsible for the situation, but also keeps yourself powerless to change it.  Maybe it doesn't do that outright, but it certainly makes you less likely to trust in your ability to deal with a problem.  I've been on a bit of a crusade against blame lately myself.  My wife is constantly looking for who is to blame, and someone should be apologizing for every misfortune.  Most of our arguments happen when she blames me for an offense, whether real or imagined, and she demands an apology and that I take responsibility for the problem.  I see the same problem as life being life and just want to know how to move forward.  But now we can't move forward because my refusal to accept blame is a new offense.


SexWithinMarriage.com
SexWithinMarriage.com

To me, blame is about looking back, and to have a successful marriage, you need to always be either in the present moment, or looking forward.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@1980BC  The question then is why does she do this? Has she been blamed all her life, and blaming others is a defence? Has she often had people hurt her and not apologise?

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