Lori and I hear from women 35 or older who want more sex than their husband is willing to provide. When we dig, we often find she refused him sexual frequency and/or variety for the first decade of their marriage. When this happens long enough, the husband stops asking as much. He finds other ways to deal with his sexual energies, be that porn, masturbation, his job, or fishing.
When his wife starts wanting more sex he may not be willing to risk it – she might change her mind and he would be hurt again. He might not be willing to give up what he has replaced sex with. He might feel like getting back at her – showing her what it feels like (we’ve had a couple of men confess that to us or their wife.) Maybe diminished sexual activity has reduced his drive.
An increased interest in sex is common for women as they get older. Why? A hormonally charged sex drive, feeling better about their sexuality, and devoting less energy to child rearing. Add a greater enjoyment of sex (for the reasons above) and you get women who want sex A LOT! No, not all women experience this, but many do, and more could.
It would be nice if someone explained this to young wives – I will try doing that on the XY code the end of this month. What can you do if you are on the low sex end of this dynamic? First, understand it’s possible your wife will change in the future. Plenty of women who said they would be happy never having sex again have experienced this change. There are two things to keep in mind:
- Don’t do things that will prevent this change. If you make sex too much of a battle now, she may never allow herself to change. Additionally, women need to feel good about their marriage to want sex. Deal with marriage issues and avoid causing marriage problems. Leave the door open for a sexual change.
- Leave yourself open to more sex in the future. This is as much a battle in your mind as in your body. Don’t decide this is it. Don’t put your sexual energies into non-sexual things. This does mean more frustration now, but what a small price for an awesome sex life later.
Bottom Line: Be willing to sacrifice now for a much better sex life later.
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