A comment on my Horny, Frustrated, and Fed-Up post included this:
“She compares sex to cake and says she likes it, but doesn’t want it all the time. I tell her that sex is like water to me. I never get anywhere with the discussions.”
We all define things according to our reality. For her sex is nice on occasion, but not important. For him, sex isn’t just nice, it’s a necessity. Neither of them is wrong, and there seems to be no place to go once they have each defined their own reality.
I’m going to suggest love goes beyond its own reality. Love refuses to limit itself to how it sees reality; love feels compelled to understand the reality of the one it loves.
Understanding her reality doesn’t mean exchanging it for your reality. Neither does it mean accepting her reality as valid or healthy.
While our reality is true to us, it may not be true in the absolute. If I think my wife is having an affair, but she’s not, then my reality is false. Our reality is distorted by our lives, and especially by our past. If my mother was a nag I’ll probably hear nagging from my wife when she’s not actually nagging. If her first husband used sex to hurt and control her, she will likely see the same in me even if I have no such intentions.
If you really love your wife…
- You should want to understand her reality.
- You should want to help her conform her reality to truth.
- Where her reality is valid and healthy, you should want to learn how to bless her in line with her reality.
And yes, the same is true for her if she really loves you.
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