Let’s talk about incredible sex.
First, let me clarify. There is good sex, and better sex, and great sex, and even greater sex… and incredible sex.
If you are stuck at “any sex is good sex” this may feel like rubbing salt in your wounds – but the following principles are valid at any “level”.
Anything more than good sex requires a solid relationship, with trust, love, and real knowledge of each other. It requires time and effort. Incredible sex requires more of the same – probably several years. Really mind blowing sex may take a decade or more, depending on how much baggage you each have and how dedicated you each are to having a deep and intimate relationship.
Beyond trust, knowing, and a real connection, great sex only happens as part of frequent sex. It is like anything else from bowling to dance – you can enjoy doing it on occasion, but to be good at it you have to do it over, and over, and over.
Another aspect of great sex is it goes way beyond the physical. When the mind, the emotions, and the spirit become involved, there is a huge increase in depth of intimacy and pleasure. How do I describe it? It is as if you cannot tell where your body ends and her body starts. You touch her and feel pleasure from it as if you had been touched. You enter into a synergy beyond your own selves.
If you want this, and she wants it too, you can have it. However, you have to want the relationship necessary for such sex! This kind of sex cannot occur outside a deep, committed union. You must be desirous of complete honesty and transparency with each other. You must each be serious about dealing with your own injuries, your own selfishness, and your own limitations.
As for the sexual side of getting to incredible sex, the main thing is “just do it.” Get to know her body in intimate detail, with all of your senses. Learn to read her, to know what she is feeling, what she wants, and how to give it to her. Learn how to play her body like a virtuoso plays an instrument, and give her the time and freedom to learn how to do the same with your body. Variety is good, but if you play a number of instruments, you will never master any of them; the way to become a master of anything is to focus your attention. Learn a few things, and learn them very well before you move on.
[This post originally appeared April 11th, 2009]