No One Enjoys Being Dragged

July 26, 2014

in Change, Her Needs, Sexuality, Understanding Her, Your Needs

Ever had a friend say, “My wife is dragging me to a marriage conference next weekend.” You felt his pain, did you not? Even if he wants to work on his marriage, no one likes being dragged into anything!

Many women feel the same way about sex, or at least about certain sex acts. They are not opposed to sex, but they feel their husband is always trying to drag them into bed or push them into some new sex act. A gentle nudge or tug would be okay, but what they experience is far more drastic.

Tug-a-war © Elbepictures | Dreamstime.com

I am a man, so I get it. Sex is one of the best things God created for us, and even if our bodies were not screaming for it, we would do it because it is so enjoyable. The only thing better than having sex with your wife is having sex with her in a new and different way. 

Unfortunately, we can come across as a kid in a candy store. A noisy, demanding kid who wants three of everything, and wants them right now! Notice I said, “we can come across as” not “we act like.” There is a good deal of perception and gender difference at work here. Women are less excited about sex than men are, and this is true even for women who are very excited about sex. Women also tend to be less “all in” about sex. They want to move slower. They want to try a taste, and then think about it before taking a big bite. In essence, they are shy about sex, while we are jumping up and down yelling about it. At best, our exuberance puts them off; at worst, it scares them away.

If you are engaged or recently married, what I have said here could save you years of frustration and result in you having a much better sex life in the future. If you have been married for a good while, your sexual eagerness has probably offended wife and caused her to pull back or shut down. The damage is done, so this news is useless to you, right? Actually, there is still hope.

If you understand what I am saying here, you will see why she has reacted as she has. You will also feel sorry for her, and for what she must have felt because of your natural exuberance. If you “get it”, you can make changes. Slow down. Back off. When she does try something new, be patient with her.

She has been putting on the brakes because she feels as if you have the accelerator to the floor. If you can learn to slow down, she should back off the brake a bit. She will also stop being so uptight about sex, which will allow her to enjoy it more. In time, she might forget about the brake and even think about using the accelerator.

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8 comments
curious1470
curious1470

I feel it is the total opposite in my marriage. I am the one jumping up and down in exuberance about sex. I am not shy about it and am always wanting to try new and different things to try to get him interested in sex. He's just not interested in the least. I've recently tried very hard not to ask for it or even allude to it and just let him initiate when he's ready, but I truly have an extremely hard time going without sex for weeks on end. Is something wrong with me? I am pretty much at my wit's end about it and can't help but dwell on it a lot more often than I think I should.

onewomanman
onewomanman

You've got this so right.  You nearly describes my marriage to a T. But my gut response is "easy for you to say" since you dont have a wife with low drive, uber-conservative, soda-straw view of sex that I'm faced with. She doesn't limit you to  1 or 2 times a week. She blesses you far more than the  2 or 3 conservative acts/positions/places to do it in the same predictable way as the first day. (Lights-off missionary pretty much describes 23 years of my experience and I'm still wondering what OS is like). Yours doesn't reject any suggestion for something new as "too fast" "too much" "too porn".  I've pretty much given up on asking for anything new since its always met with such reluctance and pushback. Sorry for my cynical response, but I'm finally starting to realize that my hopes for change will likely stay that way.... hoping.  So yeah, all I can do is sit back and hope.  I'm so tired of fighting about it any more. :(


Ktram
Ktram

Why do you always speak in absolutes?! It's NOT true that women who are very excited about sex are always less so than their husbands!!!

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@curious1470 You are part of a growing group of wives. Best estimates are 20% - 25% of married wives want more sex than their husbands.

While some of this is women who are more willing to say they want sex, much of it is a drop in sexual desire of men. Some of it is due to past or current porn use. I suspect this is the primary issue, but it is not the only factor.

Regardless of why, he is wrong. He promised to take care of you sexually when he said "I do" and he needs to do that. The issue is finding out why he is not doing it. Is he stressed? Is he feeling disconnected (men can lose sexual interest when they do not have enough communication). Is there a medical problem? Is he secretly masturbating? Is this a passive aggressive way of getting back at you for something?


TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@onewomanman Yes my wife is all about sex today, but it has not always been so. When we got married we had significant problems with sex. Once a week was common, and a couple weeks with no sex happened far too often. And anything beyond vanilla? Forget it!

Change for the better is possible.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@Ktram Given that I started by saying, "Many women feel the same way about sex..." I think it is less than accurate to say I always speak in absolutes. I also said "Women also tend to be less".


I am fully aware some women want more sex than their husbands, and I try to reflect that in my posts.

onewomanman
onewomanman

@TheGenerousHusband I appreciate your optimism. And I truly value your contribution here and your ministry.  But for now it appears, your faith and hope will have to do because I'm running out of my own.  Thank you for your words.

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