Over on The XY Code my wife wrote a post about what she would do if she caught me looking at porn. In the post, she said, “over the years I’ve figured out that what people say and do is really more about them, than it is me.” This is an important point, and one I have failed to address here.
I will discuss this the next couple of days, but I need to start with a warning. Sometimes what people do is about you, reacting to what you did or said. Right or wrong, their actions are a result of your actions. If you apply “It’s her, not me” when it really is you, your marriage is going to have problems. On the other hand, if you assume it is you when it is not, you will tie yourself up in knots while letting her off the hook.
My opinion is it’s better when it’s you, not her. You have all the power when it’s you. You can choose to change. You can choose to get help. When it’s her, she is in control. Always look for some part where it is you, because this makes it more likely you can bring about change.