Sometimes It’s Her: Sexual Problems

July 31, 2014

in Be a grownup, Marriage Killer, Series, Sexuality, Understanding Her, Your Needs

Sometimes it’s not you, it’s her:

I have often said few women make it to marriage without being sexually messed-up. Some of this is the result of her choices (looking at porn, premarital sex) and some is the result of the choices of others (incest, abuse, rape, or horny boyfriends). Regardless of the cause, she dumps it all over your marriage bed. If you were sexually pure and selfless, your God given sex drive and desires would probably offend or trigger her.  So yes, you are messed up sexually, but it is not all you.

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This is an area where it is exceptionally difficult to convince a woman she has issues. She has been told men are wild-eyed selfish monsters when it comes to sex. If you have ever looked at porn (and what man has not these days), she will blame all sexual problems on the porn. She has plenty of reasons to think you are a mess sexually. She has all manner of fears about her own sex normalcy, but she probably denies those are a factor in sexual problems you two have as a couple.

Trying to downplay your contributions to your sexual problems is a natural reaction, but it will not help. The more you make it about her, the more convinced she will be it is all your fault. If you downplay the effect of porn or your promiscuous past, she will see your denial as the problem, and ignore her contributions to the mix.

You need to work overtime on dealing with your sexual garbage, and your wife should see you doing it. At the same time, do not ignore places where she has clear problems. Do not argue with her about it, just tell her “I think part of that is about you” and go on. 

If you work on you and things get better, you both win. You also make it easier for her to deal with her stuff.

If you work on you and things do not get better, you make it abundantly clear some of the problem is hers.

There is no easy fast fix on this one. If you are sexually frustrated and hard up now, you can expect more of the same for some time to come. I do not mean to discourage you, but you need to know what it is going to take. You need to figure out how to maintain your sanity through the process. You need to find ways to deal with and properly contain your lust and sexual urges until your wife is able to wear you out regularly.

The sooner and harder you work on your part of the issue, the sooner things will start to improve. Improvements will be small and infrequent at first. Eventually you reach a point of critical mass and things will change more quickly. 

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14 comments
FarAboveRubies9
FarAboveRubies9

I feel so bad for these men with anger. I will pray for them.

bbh999
bbh999

I'm sorry, but if she's denying physical love and fulfillment to her husband, she's sinning. Period. And it's not bullying her with Scripture to make her understand that. This may sound harsh but I think that until she confesses her sin and implements a plan to stop it she's not qualified to take Communion.

Why did she marry if she hates sex? Does it come as a surprise to women that a man wants to have sex after the wedding? Often? For many years?

Did she think she was getting nothing more than a mule to uncomplainingly plod along generating the cash flow she feels she's entitled to?

Of course I'm an angry/sullen/withdrawn jerk who's unpleasant to be around - I'm exactly the husband she created. And I've told her as much and what she can do to change me back to the husband she pines for (I was being denied/defrauded (KJV) then also). She would rather live with daily anger than bother with learning how to make her man happy and then using the knowledge.

One more thing: "...properly contain your lust..." Shouldn't you be talking about proper God-given (and commanded (Prov 5:19)) husbandly desire for a wife? I've just read the definition of 'lust' on a few Internet dictionaries and they don't seem to get it. Extreme sexual desire is not lust if it has a proper object or focus. In fact Solomon wrote the entire Song of Songs – a book about extreme sexual desire between a man and a wife – without ever once using the word ‘lust’. Your use of that word simply provides more fuel for the refusers’ fire of rationalization.

And what does “properly contain your lust” mean in the context of aching testicles? Or in the context of your shorts receiving a shot of “starch” 10 seconds after you step away from the urinal? Or in the context of a bowel movement stimulating an overloaded prostate to release some semen? If a husband is suffering these things, his wife should hang her head in shame and beg God and her husband for forgiveness. And she should take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

BudekSchmeisser
BudekSchmeisser

Absolutely. You can only control that which you do, and your own attitude. SHifting blame leads nowhere.


And yes, act early, and work hard. I didn't, and have not been physically intimate with my wife since 2008. The whole thing spiraled out of control, and I don't see any way back. We're still married, and there is still mutual love, but I cannot imagine ever sharing a bed again.


That comes from my end; it's become too awkward to even discuss.


http://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2014/07/great-and-dangerous-expectations.html

bringerofgame
bringerofgame

It is us. If we are being denied, then they aren't enjoying it themselves. For whatever reason that emerges, it is our duty to help her find the way through the obstacles to her pleasure. If it's from previous encounters, we must help her heal her self image, help her find her heart again. How can we expect to share such joy when hers are being filtered through so many scars. All association with carnal exchanges have been linked to negative memories and feelings. It is up to us to help give her positive memories, positive thoughts (as in the present,) without being pushy. Do things for her unexpectedly, tell her she's gorgeous, pay attention to her, especially in public, ESPECIALLY if there are other women around. Do not do these things and expect a reward. Give it time, let her come to you, then make it magical.

If the magical part is the problem, never fear. You're perfectly capable of making her forget everything else, as you should, for as long as she needs. Learn her anatomy, learn her tender spots of ecstasy, find the triggers for her rapture. Every time you are together, you should be learning how to please her, and she should be learning how good it can be. If she's happy, you will be too

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@FarAboveRubies9 It is far more common than most women realise. Sometimes the man is doing everything right, and his wife still refused him sexually. Other times the man is neglectful or abusive, and it is easy to understand why his wife does not want to be intimate with him. Usually there is baggage on both sides.

It is rarely a one sided deal. If the man is hurt or angry, odds are his wife feels the same way. This is not a matter of her hurting him to get some twisted kick out of it - 99% of the times she is acting out of pain or fear.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@bbh999 So what if she does not agree she is sinning? Then what? You can yell she is, and she can say she is not, and nothing changes. 

And what about the sins she puts on him? She says he is sinning in something, and he does not agree. And again they can fight endlessly and nothing changes.

My goal is to provide ways for couples to work through things so there is change. pointing out something is sin sometimes brings about changes. When it does not, I think it is time to use some other approach.

You cite things related to a lack of sex which most men know to be facts. Problem is women have never experienced these things, and often do not think they are true or are as bad as men claim. Before you get too worked up about that, realise men have downplayed or denied the problems of PMS for decades. 

By the way, some wives deny sex for valid reasons. He is having an affair, he will not stop using porn, he is too rough and causes her pain, or he cares only about his own release, leaving her unsatisfied. 

janna94
janna94

Your bitterness, anger, pride and I would guess unforgiveness, comes across loud and clear. Maybe your wife isn't the only one who needs to "hang their head in shame", repent and beg for forgiveness.

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@BudekSchmeisser You need a third party to help you navigate some of this. 

BTW, six years is a long time, and things may have changed for her. She might want to be sexual, but is also feeling to awkward.

You have my prayers.

landschooner
landschooner

@bringerofgame


Brother, I dont disagree with your recommendations but I do take issue with the categorical nature of some of your comments. 


"You're perfectly capable of making her forget everything else, as you should, for as long as she needs."   - That "might" be true but a husband isnt the ultimate healer capable of anything. Even God won't if He isnt allowed by her. 


"If she's happy, you will be too"  - There are happy refusers. Some may argue that a refuser isn't really happy, but how does one know this really?  I was married to a happy refuser one for 17 years. I actually had to make her UNHAPPY in order for her to hear me in my despair. She is still happy but now, having finally heard me, she seeks my happiness in the bedroom as well. 


Anyway, just a friendly disagreement,


LS



TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@bringerofgame I agree we should help her heal. However, it is difficult (at best) to help someone do something they do not want to do.

FarAboveRubies9
FarAboveRubies9

@TheGenerousHusband When I first heard about this refusing stuff, I was taken aback. I was actually shocked. When you have experiences in your life, you figure almost everyone has similar experiences. My husband and I both have high drives so I can't imagine it any other way. I feel so sad that some married folks are struggling with intimacy. 


If both spouses would put the other person's needs first, wouldn't that solve the problem? Men want more sex with variety and passion. Women want more emotional intimacy. Talk to us. We long for that emotional connection. It takes the one with more Godly character to go first to meet the other's needs (and put their own needs on the back burner). The longer the marriage has been in the ditch, the longer it's going to take to get it back on the road to recovery.


I believe everyone has some baggage of some sort. My husband was so isolated growing up, so he had zero exposure to porn. Whew! I am a blessed woman to not have to deal with that. In reading about porn, I was shocked to learn how prevalent it is in the Christian community...totally shocked! He told me the only thing he had (on the farm) was the Sears catalog with the bra section (hardly porn). I think he was more curious. I, on the other hand, had much more baggage. I was not saved back in the 80's. I had two boyfriends at different times. After 3 years, both of them ended up cheating on me. When I married my husband, I was determined to not let infidelity ruin our marriage. I never said no. I figured, if he was busy with me, he would hardly find the time to cheat. I even read a book on how to affair-proof your marriage. This baggage turned out to be good in the long run.


I got saved more than 20 years ago. I thank God every day that I am with someone who exudes Godly character. It's my husband who tells me that my worth is far above rubies. I love that. What does it take to have a satisfying marriage? Be more like Jesus. WWJD?


I really enjoy your articles. I know they're mostly written for husbands, but I still enjoy them. Your articles helped both of us. There's always room for improvement. Thank you so much.

landschooner
landschooner

@janna94 I agree that he shouldnt be a jerk. But it sounds like there is definitely room in his marriage for righteous anger. God examples anger quite a lot in the scriptures. Per the Apostle Paul, this husband is being defrauded by his wife. Anger is appropriate but it must not lead to sin. He should apologize for any mistreatment, but he does not need to apologize for his anger per se. I dont see pride in his statements, just frustration. 


Anyway, thats how I see it.



@bbh999 - if Paul allows, I would like to recommend the sexual refusal forum over at boards.themarriagebed.com (Paul created it) its a good place to discuss these issues, get support, prayer, and advice if you'd like it.


LS

TheGenerousHusband
TheGenerousHusband moderator

@landschooner @janna94 It is always iffy to judge something based on what one spouse says.


Yes, the refusal forums are a great resource. A safe, supportive place for those who suffer from refusal.

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