Sometimes it’s not you, it’s her:
I’ve often said few women make it to marriage without being sexually messed-up. Some of this is the result of her choices (looking at porn, premarital sex) and some is the result of the choices of others (incest, abuse, rape, or horny boyfriends). Regardless of the cause, she dumps it all over your marriage bed. Even if you were sexually pure and selfless your God-given sex drive and desires would probably offend or trigger her. So yes, you’re messed up sexually, but it’s not all you.
This is an area where it’s exceptionally difficult to convince a woman she has issues. She’s been told men are wild-eyed selfish monsters when it comes to sex. If you have ever looked at porn (and what man hasn’t these days), she will be tempted to blame all sexual problems on the porn. She has plenty of reasons to think you’re a mess sexually. She has all manner of fears about her own sex normalcy, but she probably denies those are a factor in sexual problems the two of you have as a couple.
Trying to downplay your contributions to your sexual problems is a natural reaction, but it won’t help. The more you make it about her, the more convinced she’ll be it’s all your fault. If you downplay the effect of porn or your promiscuous past she’ll see your denial as the problem, and ignore her contributions to the mix.
You need to work overtime on dealing with your sexual garbage, and your wife should see you doing it. At the same time, don’t ignore places where she has clear problems. Don’t argue with her about it, just tell her “I think part of that is about you” and go on.
If you work on you and things get better, you both win. You also make it easier for her to deal with her stuff.
If you work on you and things don’t get better, you make it abundantly clear some of the problems is hers.
There’s no easy fast fix on this one. If you’re sexually frustrated and hard up now, you can expect more of the same for some time to come. I don’t mean to discourage you, but you need to know what it’s going to take. You need to figure out how to maintain your sanity through the process. You need to find ways to deal with and properly contain your lust and sexual urges until your wife is able to wear you out regularly.
The sooner and harder you work on your part of the issue, the sooner things will start to improve. Improvements will be small and infrequent at first. Eventually, you reach a point of critical mass and things will change more quickly.
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