The Generous Husband Are you a Generous Husband?

The following series about being a Generous Husband was originally done as eight tips. Are you a Generous Husband?      Are you a Generous Husband? More importantly, does your wife think you are? You may be thinking "I am, but she does not see it" or perhaps "Her standard is too high, I could never be Generous in her eyes." Yes, there are some women who are just unreasonable; but most of them are that way because of something in their past. Maybe you can't change that, but you can probably do something to at least modify her view.      Ultimately God will be the judge of your generosity, or lack of generosity, to your wife - but what she feels is probably a pretty good gauge of what God would say. If she's not feeling it, then you probably need to make some changes. So start praying about it, and and consider the ideas below. Are you generous where she needs you to be?      The idea of love languages is that there are various way we can feel loved, and that we need to love in the way our spouse most feels love. Let me offer a very similar idea - we each have certain areas where we feel/respond to generosity strongly, and other areas where we feel/respond generosity much less. Because of this, hunger in an area of deep need can drown out our ability to even recognize generosity in another area.      Where does your wife need you to be generous? Where does she feel empty, uncared-for, or neglected? Her past, and particularly her childhood, probably have a lot to do with her areas of greatest need. Ask her what she wanted and did not reciove as a child, or what she feels her parents failed to do for her. Then try to take those answers and project them onto her life now - what would the corresponding adult needs and desires be? If she felt it was unfair she never had her own room, perhaps she needs a place of her own now. If she never got the doll she wanted, look for things she would like to have now - even if they are not practical. If she felt lonely, find ways to do what you need to do and still be in the same room she's in. What makes her feel loved and appreciated?      Are there things your wife does that make you feel good; or do you feel bad if she does not do certain things? What things make you feel loved and appreciated when they are done, and unloved and ignored when they are not done? There are, of course, things like this for your wife too - and you need to learn what these things are.      Think about the things that affect you - some of them are probably very simple, small, seemingly insignificant things. Others probably seem a little silly, perhaps so silly you hate to voice them. Again, your wife is the same way. So, thinking about how sensitive you might be about such a discussion, ask your wife to tell you about the things you do or don't do that result in her feeling love/unloved and appreciated/ignored. Don't argue or debate what she says, just listen. Don't make any promises other than to think and pray about what she shares. Do take what she says very, very seriously, and start looking for ways to make changes that will result in her feeling loved, appreciated, and generously blessed. Who cares more?      If you like to eat just about anything, and your wife is a fairly picky eater, then does it not seem obvious that letting her choose where you eat is a good plan? This same idea can (and I think should) be applied to many areas of your marriage. Be quick to give her "her way" on anything you feel she cares more strongly about than you do.      Don't just apply this to areas where you have no preference. If it matters a little to you, and a lot to her, then doing it her way is a good idea. If doing it your way puts her out more than doing it her way would put you out, then do it her way.      Even when you both feel fairly strongly about something, if it's not absolutely huge to you, be generous and give her what blesses her. Let your attitude be that you would rather be inconvenienced than have her be inconvenienced.      Let me be clear that I am not suggesting that you become a door mat, or give up all personal preferences. It's normal, and heathy, to have some strong opinions about how certain things should be, or how they should be done. If it really matters to you, and it clearly matters more to you than it does to her, then gently press for doing it your way. One bonus of being generous with things she cares about is that she is far less likely to fight you, or feel hurt, with the things you decide are important to you. What you had to say .... Now some comments I received from list members about the above:      Guys don't be afraid to let go, sometimes even things you deem very important to you - see it as an act of sacrificial love. After all whatever you do to her, you are indirectly doing to yourself - if your wife is happy invariably you will be an happy man. What our Lord Jesus said is eternally true, those who lose their life shall find it, and those who seek to save their life shall lose it. When you give up something you cherish on account of love for your wife, you get back many times over, sooner or later. Sometimes you may not see the rewards immediately, because depending on what your initial attitude has been she may want to evaluate the sincerity of your actions. Give time for this, it is natural - trust is always earned, not conferred. Especially, if you have not given her reason in the past to lean on you fearlessly. I shall like to say that women are like an inexhaustible treasure land, they are very generous givers, more than men, in my opinion. You cannot never out give them. That is why they deserve much more better from us hubbies. Women are like roses - a rose though very wonderful, must be handled with care otherwise it has thorns that can cause you pain or even injury. Let her pick the restaurants. It's funny though. She always says, "You pick." Then I often have to roll my eyes and laugh at her. She is much pickier than I am, and she will often say "I don't want to go there." So, she knows that I let her pick a lot. Then, sometimes, I do feel strongly about a certain place. And it isn't a problem, even when she's not really into it. Let her pick the colours of the house and look of the furniture. I don't feel as strongly about it as she does. But I do have some opinion. So, I keep it minimal. She knows I "give" this to her. And when I do have opinions, she tends to listen. Men should daily give up their lives for their wives as Jesus gave up his daily life for the church. It is and has been for some years my opinion that if a man gives 100% of his marital energy to making his wife happy, safe and secure, then she is most likely to reciprocate. This tip today reinforced that for me. I try very hard to make my wife happy. We have a wonderful life and she a terrific partner. (emphasize partner there). I can only attribute our happiness to a purposeful effort on my part to help her truly find who God wants her to be. She naturally responds when I do this and I think that all men could expect the same. Generous doormat?      One of the responses I got from the the above was from a man who said it sounded like I was asking men to be doormats. This was followed by a situation he is dealing with where letting his wife have her way would be destructive to several people.      Obviously when anyone wants to do something sinful, destructive or harmful, we must stand up and say no. But does being generous mean being a doormat?      The Bible uses the analogy of Jesus' relationship with the Church being like that of husband and wife. I doubt most of us would call Jesus a doormat, but look at the things He "put up with" for us. Jesus, who was completely innocent, gave no defence of Himself before his crucifixion. At the last supper, Jesus washed the disciples feet - a task usually delegated to the lowest ranking servant. It would be like Jesus coming to your church and wanting to clean the toilets! Even on the cross, Jesus reached out in love to the their on His right.      Consider also, some of the things all believers are called to do - turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, if someone takes your coat give them your shirt too, loan without expecting to receive back, repay evil with good, bless those who curse you. If we are called to do these things for our neighbors, acquaintances, and even enemies, then how much more should be we prepared to sacrifice and even to "be wronged" for the sake of our wife? Just plain selfish?      Yes there are women who are just plain selfish. Even a women who considers herself a sincere devoted Christians can be, or can become, a very selfish wife. I'll address that below, along with a book suggestion, but first let me discuss a couple of situations where a woman who looks to be selfish may be that way because of something her husband could do something about.      I might talk to a man and have him tell me that he gives, and gives, and gives to his wife. He sacrifices for her, and does things that would make most women kiss his feet - and yet she is not happy, it's never enough, she always wants more, she is never satisfied. Then I could talk to this man's wife, and hear from her that he has never given her the one thing she wants and needs him to give her. It could be respect, a house she can feel proud of (just well kept, not beyond his means) or spending more time with their children. Whatever "it" is, it's not her latest "demand", it's the one thing she's wanted all along.      Perhaps the woman's husband feels unable to give her what she needs, or maybe he is unwilling to do what it would take to give it to her, or maybe it's a passive-aggressive way of hurting or controlling her. The reason he is not giving her what she wants is irrelevant to her, it's the not giving that hurts her. No amount of giving in other areas, no matter how wonderful, is going to make up for denying her the one thing she needs or wants.      Another possibility is that a selfish woman is trying to protect herself. She has been deeply hurt in the past - by her parents, by a former boyfriend or husband, or someone else. She started to "look out for #1" because she felt that if she did't do it, no one would. She bought into the world's mantra of protecting yourself, fighting for yourself, doing unto others before they do unto you. If she has years of damage, or has been in "protection mode" for many years, a few months of generosity from her husband are not going to heal all her wounds and cause her to open up. A husband's generosity and unoffendable love can make a difference, but it will take time. If mama ain't happy ....      "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." My wife absolutely despises that saying - she is appalled that any woman would manipulate her family in that way. Yes, some woman are just flat out selfish, with no underlying cause that anyone can do anything about. I wish I had some great way of changing such a woman, but I don't. As far as I can tell God does not violate people's free will, no matter how hard we pray or how righteous our prayer is.      If your wife is a never satisfied, always wants more, never happy woman, what is the proper (Godly) response? It's easy to grow less and less generous, since your efforts are never rewarded; but is that right with God? It seems to me that in this kind of situation you must not allow your wife to affect or control your actions, and being less generous because of her actions would be putting her in control. Decided what is right, what would be proper for a woman who was reasonable, and give your wife that - and no more. Give freely and lovingly up to the line of what is right, then lovingly refuse to be manipulated, pressured, nagged or bribed to do anything that is not acceptable or reasonable.      If your wife is difficult and stubborn in any area, I highly recommend to you the book Loving Solutions by Gary Chapman (same fellow who wrote the Five Love Languages). The book might help you approach your wife in a way that will result in real change, and it will help you to live in a difficult marriage without losing your mind. Home This site created and maintained by Paul Byerly. Copyright © 2001 - 2007 All Rights Reserved. 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