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| The following series about being on your wife's side was done on the Generous Husband tips over an eight day period.
Being on her side
How it's said matters How does the following, said by a man to his wife, read to you? "The next time we make love, can we set aside enough time and energy to cuddle and talk and do it right?" What might stand out in a woman's mind is that her husband does not just want sex, he wants to "do it right". What does right mean? It means that he is interested in something more than just his wife's genitals, and that even when they get to sex he is interested in more than the physical parts of sex (pleasure and release). It strongly suggests that he wants his wife to enjoy the sex as much as he will. I do not share this as a married "pick up line" that increases your chances - but to point out that how you talk about sex is important. When it seems to just be about sex, she does not feel loved and wanted as a person. When it's focused on the physical, she feels she won't get the emotional, mental and relational parts of sex that are so important to her. Bonus: My wife informs me that for most of you there is no short and sweet way to indicate a desire for sex that is going to be received anywhere near the way you mean it. Pray for me and thee I'm going to ask y'all to pray for me and for yourselves today. Lori and I were talking last night about the Saturday tip, and it kicked up a lot of thoughts that I'd like to share over the next few days. It's some tough and potential painful things, and I'd like prayer for two things: 1) That I can find the words to clearly express my thoughts. 2) That those who need to hear and heed those thoughts will be able to do so. On her side Let me start by saying that the above does not apply to me. Not because my wife is wonderful and generous (although she is both) - the reason I don't have to worry about this is that my wife already knows that I love her as a person, that I want sex for more than just pleasure and release, and that I want to bless her in every way I can, both in and out of bed. Because she really knows these things, I don't have to tell her or remind her of them any time I am thinking of sex. That concept, knowing that your spouse "is for you" is a very important one. Does your wife knows beyond a doubt that you love her, honour her, and want to do everything you can to bless her? In short, is she absolutely convinced that you are on her side? If not, why not? It may not be all your fault, it may not be much your fault at all, or it may be virtually all your fault. Most likely it's a combination of factors including things that happened to your wife long before you met her. There are things you can do to change her mind, to show her, and convince her, that you are on her side. How much time and energy that will take depends on how bad it is now, how long it's been bad, and her general personality. Is it worth the effort? The results of convincing her you are 100% on her side are pretty dramatic, and in my opinion are well worth some significant effort. Disclaimer: Admittedly there are a very few woman who can't be convinced, and a few who would not behave differently if they were convinced, but this is not the case for the vast majority of women. In my experience this is far less common than a man who is unwilling to be on his wife's side. You can't fake it! If you want to convince her that you are on her side, you really have to be on her side - there is no way you can fake this long term. I'll be honest, being on her side is not always easy, and there are times it will interfere with you doing what you really want to do. Being on her side does not mean you only do what she wants to do, but it does mean that you are always aware of what she would like, and always making it a part of your thought process about how you spend your time, energy, and money. It means putting her and what she wants ahead of you and what you want more than half of the time. It means doing things that will bless her even if you may not "get credit for them" because she won't be aware of what you did, or won't be aware enough for it to register in her mind that you did a good thing. Being on her side does not mean you give her everything she wants, or that you "support her" in everything no matter what. If she wants something that is harmful, being on her side means opposing her (in a loving way). If she is doing something that is destructive to herself or someone else, being on her side means letting her know that her behaviour is inappropriate. How many sides can one man be on? Imagine trying to be a fan of half a dozen football teams. You could not be a good fan of any team, as you would be constantly pulled between loyalties. It's not different with your wife - if you are on many people's side, you can't really be on your wife's side the way you should be. Your loyalties will be divided, and you will find yourself in situations where you either support one side over the other, or wimp out and refuse to be involved at all. Either way, you are not as on your wife's side as she needs you to be, and it's going to hurt your ability to convince her you really care. The two biggest "other sides" are family and male friends. When you married her, you were supposed to be choosing her over your family. Not that you should never talk to or see your family again, but a significant amount of the time you used to spend with family should now belong to your wife. Likewise with your male friends - you're not single any more, and a good chunk of the time you once spent "with the guys" needs to now be given to your wife. If you've been married a good while, it's possible you started out well on the issue of "other sides", but have gradually drifted to be more and more on the side of others. This can be a lack of priorities, it can be giving in to the pressure of others, or it can be a response to not feeling your wife is giving you what you deserve. Whatever the reason, it will only drive you and your wife farther and farther apart if it is allowed to continue. Sharing and not sharing Being on her side means you share most things with her, and don't share certain things with others. Some of the most common complaints we hear from women along these lines: "He tells his family about every aspect of our finances." "He brags or hints about our sex life in front of others." "Why didn't he tell me about that? I had to hear about it from the wife of his best friend" "He discuses how we raise our kids with his mother." "He talks to his buddies about our sex life." Limits, likes, and dislikes If you are going to be on her side, you need to both understand and make allowances for what she likes, and does not like. Of course there will be areas where this clashes with what you like and don't like, but you will find she is much more open to discussing how to compromise if you make it clear that you both understand and respect her feelings on the matter. Nothing will create an impasse faster than causing her to think you don't take her likes and dislikes seriously, or think she is "silly". You also need to be understanding of her limitations:
My prayer is that the proceding ideas have helped you to see just how much you are (or are not) on your wife's side. Or, maybe you are on her side, but you have realised that your words and actions don't show that as much as they should. Whatever you have learned, there is certainly room for improvement. I hope the things I've mentioned give you some direction to go. May the Lord give you clarity and direction to know what to do, and the strength and courage to it. Really being on her side will involve sacrifice, but I know that you will be rewarded by God, and pray that you will also be rewarded by your wife.
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