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Things that destroy marriages. The person who made up "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" got it wrong. Or, maybe it was made up by a verbally abusive person trying to cover their sin!? Words can be very destructive - and they can kill love and end marriages. I'm not just talking about the loud, blatant stuff - even quite digs, sarcasm, and sighs of exasperation can do significant harm. One good guide to use - would you say the same things to her in front of your friends - your family - your pastor? If not, something is amiss. Romance cruise: The early bird rate expires Monday night - grab it fast! Also, the cruise line has put a group of rooms on sale, and the price break is being passed on to you. No guarantee when the rooms will be gone, as they are available to us and the general public, but I'm told the reduced prices should be good through July. rich@biblewalkcruises.com 866-925-5847 Nation-wide Toll Free 214-686-1098 Cell Office Hours: Monday - Friday 8:00AM to 6:00PM Central time Saturday 10AM to 2PM Be blessed, be generous, and be a blessing! <>< Paul Things that destroy marriages. This series will be different - wide ranging, longer than most, and in places rather "meddlesome". I am going to write about things that destroy marriages. Please don't think you can ignore this if your marriage is "fine". Firstly most men over estimate the health of their marriages, and secondly if you marriage is good several of the things I will cover is limiting your marriage in some way. I'm not giving the first destroyer today - rather I am asking you to think and pray about this. What is limiting, harming, and potentially destroying your marriage? What has done harm in the past? Have those things been dealt with - or have they simply been buried, or maybe you and/or your bride think you have found some way to work around or live with those things? Be blessed, be generous, and be lovingly vocal. <>< Paul Things that destroy marriages. So many things that destroy marriages - where to start? I will try to put some of these in some semblance of grouping, but order has nothing to do with what I think is more or less destructive. Lack of integrity: Dishonesty, lying, less than the full truth, hiding things, and just not doing what is right. If a marriage is not based on truth, how can you build a relationship? If you never know if what's said is truth, things like "I love you" and "I need you" mean nothing. If there is no trust, how can she want intimacy? The scary thing is that it takes a very small amount of dishonesty to do huge damage. Once you prove you are willing to lie, everything you say is suspect. Once it's known you're willing to tell only part of the truth, there will always be the suspicion that you've not told everything. If you see yourself in this, even a little bit, you have some significant work ahead of you. Your bride will need a long period of no lies, no incomplete truth, and full integrity before she can really trust you. "I've changed" means nothing since she has good reason to think you might lie about that. If you've demonstrated a lack of integrity, then you and you alone are to blame for her opinion of you, and you alone can fix that. Don't get angry at her if she does not suddenly change her opinion of you - you have to prove yourself to her. Also be aware that the longer you've been dishonest, the longer you have to show change - and the worse your dishonesty has been the harder it will be to prove you have changed. Be blessed, and make time to be generous! <>< Paul Things that destroy marriages. Not caring, not caring enough to do anything, not caring more than you care for you own wants, needs, goals and dreams - all these are a lack of compassion. I see a disturbing lack of compassion in marriages, and it seems to be getting worse over time. A total lack of compassion will kill a marriage very quickly, but even a minor lack of compassion will cause significant damage over time. In fact, having compassion but not enough, or only having it some of the time, is destructive. Some folks are just lacking in compassion, but much of the time a lack of compassion is a side effect of some other issue. When we are stressed, tired, worried, hurried or otherwise not at our best it is far more difficult to care, to show compassion. If you don't show your bride the compassion you should, figure out the the reason, and then deal with that reason. A man who is a compassionate husband, and a compassionate father to his children, is given a great deal of grace by his wife. A man who does not consistently show compassion is always at two strikes and several balls (a baseball reference meaning he's just about done for). Be blessed, be generous, and give chocolate! <>< Paul Things that destroy marriages. You probably know that your bride wants an emotional connection with you - what you may not understand is how important that need is, and how deep a connection she needs. There is a reason she feels such a great need to be emotionally connected - God created her that way. More and more scientific studies are showing that men and women have significant brain differences, and that these differences are hard wired before birth. The parts of the brain that are involved in emotions, community, conversation and intimacy are larger in the female brain than in the male - and that is God's doing. If you don't give her the emotional connection she needs, she will find it very difficult love you, and difficult to be sexual with you. She is likely to seek to have this need met in other ways - with the children, with her female friends, or worse. Most women who cheat do so not for sex, but for love - for an emotional connection they don't feel with their husband. She's worth it! <>< Paul Things that destroy marriages. Forgiving needs to occur quickly and fully for a marriage to be healthy. Several studies have shown that fighting does not kill marriages - those who frequently fight but forgive well have a better chance of surviving than those who almost never fight but hold a grudge. Regardless of what needs to be forgiven, or why, letting it fester does deep damage - and making a habit of that will rot your marriage from the inside out. So, be fast to forgive. "But how can I forgive if I don't feel it - wouldn't that be a lie?" Forgiving is a choice, and we can choose to do something that we don't feel. Friends of our teach a way of doing this - they say "I forgive you, and I'll let you know when my feelings catch up." In other words, they choose to forgive because of their love and devotion, and they work on getting their feelings to match up with that choice. The reality is forgiving by choice gets the feelings pointed in the right way, and speeds up the feelings matching with the choice. Be blessed, be generous, and be touchy-feely! <>< Paul Things that destroy marriages. When you blow it, big time or in a minor way, do you deal with it in a way that blesses your bride? Do you apologise? Do you deal with it in a way that makes her feel you understand why your actions (or words) were wrong or painful? More than all of this, do you really repent - that is to change direction - make a real effort to not repeat what you have apologised for? If you are repeatedly apologising for the same thing, something is wrong. If you care about her, you don't want to hurt her, and if you keep hurting her over and over for the same thing it quickly starts to look like you don't care. By the way, you can also apologise for her feeling hurt by unintended consequences of something you say or do. Even though you didn't intend to hurt her, you can feel bad that you did. But what about things that "shouldn't" hurt her but do? Maybe she is too sensitive about something - maybe she even admits she's too sensitive about something. Don't make it seem it's your fault if it's not, but you can say "I'm sorry that hurts." Be blessed, be generous, and women first! <>< Paul Home This site created and maintained by Paul Byerly.
Copyright © 2001 - 2008 All Rights Reserved. The Generous Husband is made possible by help from Marriage Bed, Inc., a donation supported ministry.
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