The Generous Husband
An announcement list of "generous" tips
More Sex?
><> Paul <><
Don't touch me, and forget about sex!
My Friday and Saturday tips sometimes result in me getting e-mails from some of you saying "My wife is not like that" or "My wife does not want to be touched" or "We have sex once a month".
First let me say I understand the frustration. Before my dear wife dealt with some junk from her past, our sex life was inconsistent and not nearly frequent enough. So I am not speaking here based on what I've heard someone else say - I've lived it.
There are a number of reasons why a woman does not want sex, or does not want much sex, or does not enjoy sex. In order to deal with the problem, you need to try and find the root of it. I realise she probably does not want to, or refuses to talk about it, so here are some reasons for you to think about - maybe you will see her, or yourself, in one of these.
Sexually painful past: Obviously sexual abuse fits into this category, but there are other things that can fit here. If she was in bad relationship, married or not, that was sexual, she may have deep sexual wounds. If she was sexually teased a great deal, even without any sex occurring, that can leave wounds. Even what seemed to be consensual sex can be harmful, as many women feel they can't say no to sex without destroying any chance of getting dates or getting married. If you had sex with her prior to marriage, she may be hurting about that.
Sex is dirty: This idea is alive and well, especially in "good church girls". Unfortunately the message is not that sex outside of marriage is wrong, but that sex in general is wrong. When a woman buys into this, she feels bad if she has sex often, even in marriage. She may also struggle with the fact that she enjoys sex - that makes it even worse, she is a "slut" for enjoying sex. Some women avoid sex because they do want and enjoy it.
Stress and exhaustion: Women do not have as strong a sex drive as we guys have, and things that wear on their bodies or minds destroy both their desire to have sex and their ability to enjoy it.
It's only physical: A woman needs sex to be more than a mind blowing orgasm - she needs it to be emotional, romantic, and loving. When it's only about the physical, she loses any interest in it. Please note that an orgasm proves nothing - orgasm is a physiological reaction to stimulation, and given enough stimulation a woman can have an orgasm that she neither wants nor enjoys.
Relational problems: It's unusual for a guy to be so angry or upset with his wife that he will turn down sex; but women are not this way. Sex when she is hurt or angry is more painful than enjoyable. Additionally, she needs a good overall relationship with her husband in order to want or truly enjoy sex.
Sending a message: A woman who decides that sex is all her husband cares about (her perception is her reality) may withhold sex, or have sex but withhold herself from really getting into it, to send a message. Or, she may avoid sex because she thinks that having sex sends the message that everything is okay
One of the first things a guy hears when he complains about a lack of sex is "are you giving your wife what she needs?" If you are meeting her needs, that question is aggravating at best - but it's a very valid question.
Some men have seen a change in their wife, compleat with sexual changes, as a result of some long term selfless giving. Please note this does not mean doing the right things for a week and then expecting sex - this is a long term thing. Even if it "doesn't work", it's the right thing to do, and it removes an excuse for her to not want or have sex.
Are you being loving and generous? Do you help her out, say nice things to and about her, and spend plenty of non-sexual time with her? Do you romance her, massage her, and give her little gifts? Do you take care of the things that bother her, help with the children, and take up the slack when she is too busy, sick or tired? Do you consider her interests and preferences when you make decisions large and small? Do you take into account her energy level and mood?
Where it counts
Giving to your wife is not worth much if you are not giving what she wants and needs. This is the whole idea of The Five Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. For instance - my wife is very much into the practical and acts of service. My keeping the grass mowed means more to her than than diamond jewelry, and taking the trash out weekly makes her feel more loved than a weekly date.
If you are feeling sex starved, could your wife get that off your mind by cooking your favourite meal for you, or giving you a nice back rub? You would enjoy those things, but it would not be what you really wanted and needed. When deep needs are not being met, anything else that is done is of little use. Same thing for your wife - it's not how much you give her, it's giving her what she needs.
My wife and I once ministered to a couple that was in trouble because of something like this. He was unhappy about a growing lack of sex, and she was just unhappy. He told me about all the great gifts he gave her, often in very creative ways. He also talked about the fact that he often complimented her, both publicly and privately. When I explained to him that his wife needed time with him and acts of service, he told me he was a very busy man and did not have time for these things. I fear that his sex life will only get worse and worse, and I pray he decides to change before he does great harm to his wife, and irreparable damage to their marriage.
If you start to give your wife what she most deeply wants and needs, you will most likely see a response. Even if it's not a conscience choice, she is likely to respond to having her needs met in ways that will bless you. Give it a shot - you have nothing to lose, and a great deal to gain.
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