Ever worry about lasting long enough? Odds are your bride has a similar concern, but it looks different from her vantage point - she is worried about taking too long.  At best time pressure reduces her pleasure, while at worst it prevents her from having an orgasm at all. You see, studies have found that being relaxed is critical for a woman to climax, and worrying about how long it's taking her is sure to make it take longer. Even if she is able to get there, she may push to climax quickly, and without a good long build up she will have a weaker orgasm.

So tell her to take her time. Tell her you want sex to last longer, you want to give her the chance to fully enjoy, and you want to learn to enjoy the "journey" as well as the "destination". (And trust me, the getting there can be fantastic!)

How do you actually do this? Slow down, slow way down. Kiss a lot more before you touch below the neck. Spend some time kissing and touching her breasts before you go below the waist. When you get between her legs, go light and don't make a bee-line for her vagina or clitoris - touch the inside of her legs and stroke her vulva as a whole. Rather than moving to each "next step" as soon as she is ready, try to make her want, even ache for, the next step before you move to it.

Next, don't jump at the first hint she is ready for intercourse. In fact, ignore hints, and when she flat out asks, continue what you are doing a bit longer. Tell her you are willing when she is ready, but only when she is really ready

If she generally does not climax during intercourse, take care of her first - s l o w l y. Don't be in a hurry so you can get to what you want, take your time, and let her know you are going to take your time. Show her, by doing it repeatedly, that you will give her as long as she wants, rather than just barely as long as she needs.

Will all this time of foreplay mean you can't last as long? While it seems that way, the truth is often the exact opposite - especially if you let her touch you some along the way. If you are able to control your climax most of the time, taking it slow can help you to slow down the entire time. Your body will adjust to the arousal level, and it may become easier to avoid suddenly being too close.

Meredith Chivers, psychology professor at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, has advanced some interesting findings about female sexual arousal, with theories to explain her results that may be revolutionary. The findings include the fact that men show "category specific" arousal, meaning that men's physical arousal (erection) is specific to their sexual orientation - heterosexuals are aroused by images with women, and homosexuals are aroused by images with men. Women are different - physical arousal (swelling of the genitals from increased blood flow) occurs with exposure to any sexual image, heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian, or individuals of either sex, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Here is my take on one explanation Chivers gives for this difference. In men arousal is arousal - the body and the mind arouse as one, both "on" or both "off". In women arousal of the body and the mind are not necessarily connected - her body is easily aroused to a minimal level by just about anything sexual, while arousing her mentally takes more - sometimes much more.

Why would this difference exist? To protect women from injury. The sad fact is a lot of women end up having sex when they don't really want it - in other words they are not mentally aroused. From rape to women who never learned to enjoy sex (or live/lived in a culture where women enjoying sex was unheard of to evil) to teenage girls who are seeking love, not sex, it's sadly not uncommon for women to have sex when they are not and probably can not be mentally aroused. In these situations, a bit of physical arousal is important, as it prevents pain and damage to the body. From my standpoint, easy female physical arousal is God's way of keeping women from being hurt, possibly badly, by sex they don't want.

If this is true, it means your bride's body can be ready to go when her thoughts, feelings, and emotions are not at all ready. It means that "getting her wet" means nothing more than you can have sex without causing her pain. If you want her to want and enjoy it, you may need to do more.

It may also mean your bride is unsure of if or how aroused she is. Many women have a difficult time judging their arousal level, and it may be that this is a result of women wrongly assuming that swelling and wetness means they are "horny". Maybe most women have wrongly associated physical arousal with mental arousal, ignoring the signs of wanting and desiring sex that are in their minds. She may need some time to unlearn wrong patterns, and develop new patterns based on something deeper and more real.

Of course all of this is conjecture based on a proven difference in male and female arousal. But this explanation does explain a lot of frustrations and difficulties that are often seen. If this could explain some issues you have with your bride, I'd suggest this is something to consider, discuss, and pray about.

Resource: One free resource with a good deal on Chivers' studies is at the NYTIMES. The article is less than ideal, but all in all it's not bad.

In Sex on the Brain: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life , Dr Daniel Amen lists the "Nine common questions about differences between men and women. Question #4 (appropriately) is on foreplay - "Why don't men need foreplay like women do?"

Dr. Amen says that because lower activity levels in the male brain, combined with higher testosterone levels, mean that men are "always idling, waiting to get taken for a ride." Not so for women - their brains are always busy, usually with a number of things.  Dr. Amen says "...they need to be soothed, courted, and encouraged to be in the mood. They need a method to calm down their brains."

This is so true.  No matter how much she loves you, how much she wants you, and no matter how much her body might even be screaming for sex, it takes time to get her brain in sex mode. If you don't give her the time she needs to make the change to sex mode, she won't enjoy it - physically, mentally or emotionally. If you give her some time, but less than she needs, her body may respond and climax, but she won't be satisfied mentally and emotionally - and that's very much a bad thing. If she often climaxes without being fully into sex, it will feel empty, cheap, and dirty.

What does it take to get her brain into sex mode? First and foremost, it takes time. There are no good short-cuts, and giving her 90% of the time she needs is  not much better than giving her 19% of the time she needs. Also, since the issue is her brain, not her body, going for the body too fast is actually counter-productive. You may well be able to get her body aroused before her brain is there, but that's not really helpful, and may result in her thinking she is ready because of her body when she really needs more time. If she often says, "go for it" and then has trouble for reasons she can't understand, this may be the issue.

A few ideas:

Get out of other modes early: If she has half an hour to relax and read before you get into bed with her, she will already have put aside a lot of the thoughts and distractions of the day. If you take care of the kids at night, it helps her a great deal. If she always cleans the kitchen, or anything else, just before bed, suggest a change of schedule so she can relax instead (or do it for her!)

A place without distractions: Her mind is easily distracted, so do what you can to remove distractions. Any visible clutter is going to draw her attention, and will probably also draw her mind to all the things she needs to do. If the bedroom is used for all kinds of activities, then when she is in that room all of those activities are vying for her attention.

If you can't move other activates to another place, find ways to make these other things less visible from the bed. Soft light near the bed, and darkness in the rest of the room, can help a great deal. Simple things like closing doors to closets and the bathroom, as well as any drawers, will remove places for her mind to go. A screen that blocks part of the room (a folding screen can be easily moved as needed), or some other form of blocking can also help.

Sound will also distract her. White noise or soft music (preferably without words) can help with this.

A pattern to fall into: The mind likes patterns, and once it knows a pattern it easily flows through the steps. If sex always occurs after a joint shower and a back rub, and if these things don't usually occur other than when sex happens, her mind will pick up on the cues and start moving into sex mode as you shower together.  By the time the back rub is done, she may be fully into sex mode - or at least well on her way. What you do is not important, as long as it's enjoyable and relaxing; it's the predictable pattern that matters.

If you don't know if sex will or won't occur soon enough for something like the above, find something that can be done once it's been agreed that you're going to have sex. Talking is always good - talking about something other than sex that is! Avoid stressful topics (but be sure to deal with them at another time). If there is a simple game the two of you like (such as cards or backgammon) that can  be a way of relaxing, connecting, and telling her brain that it should be moving into sex mode.

Don't be in a hurry to get her naked. Slowly undressing her is another pattern that can help her brain move from "1000 things" to "sexsexsexsex". Very slowly unbuttoning her blouse, or taking a full minute to undo her pants, will build anticipation and help her want to go where you are taking her.

Least sexual to most sexual: As touching begins, move from the face to the breasts slowly, and to the genitals slowly. It's tempting to move between her legs when it seems she's not "getting it", but this is usually not going to help. If you can get her mind into sex, her body will follow, getting her body aroused too fast may leave her brain stranded.

KISS: That's not an acronym - it's the most important act of foreplay for most women. Most women find kissing extremely arousing. Start soft, and work up to more passionate kissing. Learn to know when she wants gentle, and if/when she does not. Do more kissing, and odds are she will get where you want her to be more quickly and more fully.

Know how far her mind has to go: The more she had on her mind, the more difficult it will be for her to move to sex mode. There will also be days when she just is not going to make it - understand that, and either wait for tomorrow, or have sex knowing she won't be fully into it. Please, don't cause her to feel she is expected to do something her mind is not up to!