Posts Tagged ‘BeBetter’

Little acts, big results

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Have you ever argued with your bride about the toilet seat? You want it up, she wants it down - so why does she think you putting it down is reasonable, but her putting it up for you would be ridiculous?

I can't answer that question, but I can tell you that always leaving it down for her is going to result in your bride feeling much better about you. The same goes for all those other "little things" she would like you to do.  Things like:

  • Getting your dirty clothes into the hamper or basket.
  • Wiping your feet.
  • Rinsing your dishes and leaving them where she would like them to be left.
  • Not leaving whatever you leave wherever it is you leave it.
  • Turning off a light - or leaving one on.
  • Closing drawers all the way.
  • Add your own here.

Why do these little things matter so much to her? I suspect the actions are not as important as what doing those things communicates to her. When you do these things, you’re telling her that you’ve heard her, and that she matters enough for you to remember and do what she likes. In other-words, you are communicating that you love and respect her. OTOH, regularly failing to do these small things says that she is not important - not even important enough to do a few little things.

Bottom line - while you may have a logical point about the toilet seat, you can't win on the heart level.  Little things count in a big way with most women, so giving them more thought and effort will make life better for you in the long run.

Do You Suck The Life Out of Your Wife?

Sunday, March 7th, 2010

Pete Wilson, one of the pastors at Cross Point Church, had a great little post in which he said we all either suck the life out of you or breathe life into those around us.

I agree completely, there really is no middle ground, we either give or we take.  Sure, we all have bad days, or times when we are just too busy to do what we want, but over time we are either givers or takers in each relationship we have. Some take from everyone, some give to everyone, many do some of each with different people.  Those who do some of both are probably doing it based on how much they value certain individuals, or how much power they have over them, or maybe just what they think they can get away with.

So, on the whole, do you breathe life into your bride, or do you suck the life out of her? If you do more sucking than breathing, why? Does she have low value in your estimation? Is it about your power over her? Or, maybe you know she will put up with it?

Be a breather, not a sucker!




Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Happy one year Stu! My friend Stu, over at The Marry Blogger, celebrated his first full year of blogging. Stu does good work, as shown by the fact his posts regularly show up in my Sunday links.
Winning an Olympic Gold in my Marriage!: Winning at your marriage take a lot of effort. Links to other great posts.

Are YOU on Your To-Do List?: An excellent guest post from Susan of The Confident Mom. Is your bride killing herself in the name of "sacrificing yourself"?

Angry Husbands Produce Depressed Wives: MarriedLife has a few notes on a recent study.  If your bride is depressed, you better check yourself for anger.

Kindness to the least of them

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

As part of our "go to town”, my bride and I eat at a local buffet a couple of times a month. (It's part of a national chain that seems to give each franchise a good deal of autonomy – I’ve eaten at them in a dozen cities and they vary a great deal.) We generally go mid-afternoon, avoiding both the lunch and dinner rushes. The majority of those eating with us at that time are retired folks.

We have watched with interest and delight at how the waitresses treat their older customers – most of them regulars.  They know them by name, and they touch them on the arm, ask about how they are, and share about their own lives. A fellow will ask one waitress how her college classes are going, a woman asks another waitress about her kids. When one young waitress became pregnant for the first time, everyone was thrilled for her, and I overheard one table talking about what a great mother she would be. Another waitress was showing pictures of her cats recently; telling about the new one, and how it was upsetting one of the other cats. All of this is done in short bits, and we've never seen it prevent the wait staff from doing everything that needs to be done.

When these older folks leave, several of the waitresses will say goodbye by name. Some of the customers get hugs, a few a kiss on the cheek. Some customers say, "I'll see you tomorrow" or ask when a particular waitress is working again. Some plan when to eat there based on the schedule of a favourite waitress.

I don’t think the caring and attention being shown by the waitresses is just about getting a better tip. Some of the customers are no doubt on a fixed income, and some of them frankly don't tip very well - but they are treated with the same love respect. You can't fake that kind of interest in someone day after day - if it's fake, it will show through. These women honestly seem to care. I am aware that at least some of the waitresses are dedicated followers of Jesus, so that may explain some of it. It also seems that management must be in favour of this, and even staffs enough waitresses to make it possible. It's no doubt good for business (I recently saw them fairly busy on a February in Tuesday, traditionally a very bad time for restaurants) but I find it hard to believe that it was started for that reason.

Regardless of why this has developed, I am sure that some of the customers get more love, attention, and touch at a meal at this buffet than they get the rest of the week. I am deeply moved by what the wait staff is doing for folks who tend to be sidelined and ignored. It seems very much to me to be WJWD (what Jesus would do).

Is there a tip in all of this?  Maybe not.  My hope is that this will inspire all of us to be better, to do better, and to find ways small and large to show love and respect for those who have become accustomed to very little of either.




Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:


Budget Software Reviews: Choose Your Tool for Successful Money Management: Dustin does a review of various tools for managing your money.

The Nice Guy Rebellion: Corey further unpacks the nice guy, who he is, and why it's not a good thing.
Nice People Sex … Boring: Being too nice hurts your sex life. Corey said the nice guy "..constantly complains he’s not getting enough, or it’s unsatisfying..." - very interesting!
Want to Improve Your Marriage? Build a Budget!: Another great post on a topic I have failed to cover here.

What Every Facebooking Couple Should DO to Protect Their Marriage!: A great article on a very important topic.

The Silent Treatment Can be Good for My Marriage!: This post by The Beautiful WifeTM (of Stu) was aimed at women, but some men (myself at the top of the list) need to do this as well.  And the rest of you can point your bride to the article!

Take responsibility for your own mess

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

When I say, "Take responsibility for your own mess", I don't mean the mess you left in the kitchen, or on the bedroom floor (although doing that is certainly a good and loving thing). I mean the messes in your thinking and emotions. You know, those things that are a result of something in your past - places where you don't react as most folks would, and your reaction is neither healthy nor loving.

Sure, you should expect your loving bride to cut you some slack where you are wounded, just as you do for her (you do cut her some slack where she is wounded, right?), but that does not free you from the responsibility to work on those things.

How can we do this better?

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

From Seth Godin a while back:

"In most interactions, we take a defensive posture. We try to defend the brand, or our turf or our job. The problem with defense is that it's static. The best way to get smarter, to embrace and to cause change and to triumph in times of market turmoil is to adopt the scientific method.

Ask yourself, 'what do I believe that's wrong? How can I change the way I do things? What works? What doesn't?'"

I would say we do the same in our marriage - we defend the way things are, the way we do have always done things. I think this is particularly true of men - we tend to want our home life to run smoothly, and that means the status quo, consistency, what is known and comfortable.  However, blindly following this course means our bride is stuck, even if she wants or needs something to change. I've seen more than a couple of men ignore their wife's growing frustration, not acknowledging it till she does something drastic.

So I would echo Seth - and ask you to regularly ask your wife "What do you think is wrong? How can we change the way we do things? What works? What doesn't?"

Rate the value of your time use

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

What would it look like if you were to list all the things that take up your time, and then rated how much value each of those things has to your life? What if you rated how much value those things have to your marriage?

How do you even assign value to your activities?  It's clear that "recreation" is beneficial to both physical and mental/emotional health, but how much do we need? Some of what is of great value to you won't be of direct value to your marriage, but anything that is good for you can benefit your marriage, if the time you spend does not rob your marriage too much.  How you pick and choose is a balancing act, and the relative value of things will change as your life and marriage grow and change.

There is no way to complete this thought exercise, but I think concide4ring it can be helpful. Maybe a good question to ask yourself is “What value has the X hours of my life had to me – to my marriage?”

Act your age

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Know any women who talk about the four boys they are raising - but they only have three sons, and mean their husband as the forth?  I hate it when a woman says something like that, but sadly I've know a couple of guys for whom it was rather valid.  These guys held down a decent job, but at home they played far more than they worked or helped. Never took anything seriously, set a horrible example for the kids, refused to disciple, or to back up their bride when she tried. I often wonder if a wife with such a husband leaves him when the rest of the kids are grown, and he is not?

Please realise I am not a serious guy, and my sense of humour is pretty far out there, but one has to know how to be serious, and when to dig in and get things done or help out.

In business, as in marriage …

Monday, February 8th, 2010

A friend of mine recently wrote "In business, as in marriage ..."  This jumped out at me because I had just seen someone else give an application of business concepts to marriage – an application that did not work.  Don't get me wrong, I follow several business blogs, and I get a lot of good ideas that I can apply to marriage - but what works in business is not always going to work in marriage.

My bride is my only customer - if she does not like what I offer, I can't decide she is out of touch with the times and market to others.  My bride is also my only supplier for certain things - she has a monopoly, and I had better understand that!

I could go on, but you get the point. If you are business minded, is your marriage suffering from your failure to differentiate between good business practices and good marriage practices?

Details here in the next day or two!

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