Posts Tagged ‘confusion’

What you think vs. the truth

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

This post by Seth Godin got me pondering the difference between what we think is true, and what is true.

I have always disliked the statement that "perception is reality", but I am forced to agree that what we each perceive as the truth is reality for us. If I think my bride does not love me, I react to that, even if she does love me. If I think she is cheating on, me, neglecting me, or does not respect me, then those things will be my reality - even if those things are false. Similarly, if she thinks I don't spend enough time with her, my arguments won't have any impact. If she believes that I am thinking about leaving her or about having an affair, then those things are real to her, and she will react based on her fear of those things - even if her fears have no basis in fact.

How do you avoid this problem? Learn to challange what you think is fact. Don't just toss everything out, or spend so much time rethinking that you start to doubt everything you know, but do regularly try to confirm or deny things you think to be true.

BTW, I do not subscribe to the idea that the truth will always win out - we all know from life that this is not the case. Lies, distortions and half truths can and do become widely accepted as "truth". There are those who want to make what they know is not true to seem to be truth, and others who are proclaiming as truth lies that they honestly think are truth.  We must find the balance between never questioning what we think is true, and becoming open to every deception that goes by.

Tags: , ,
Posted in Beyond the Marriage, Shared walk | 4 Comments »

How much do you NOT know about her?

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

I will celebrate my 25th anniversary early next year. During my marriage I have been a fairly serious student of my wife, and yet I am regularly shown that there is still much I do not know about her.

I am also becoming aware that some of what I thought I knew is inaccurate. I had made certain assumptions about things, and my assumptions did fit the evidence - but my assumptions were not the only possible explanation for what I saw in her, and at least sometimes my assumptions were dead wrong. Does it matter?  Yes, because in places I have done the wrong thing for years because I was reacting to something that was not going on, and not reacting to what was really going on.

My suggestion is that you challenge your assumptions about your bride. If you can think of any other even remotely plausible explanation, then you clearly can't be sure you know what is going on. Even if you can't think of any other explanation, that does not mean your assumptions are right.

Tags: ,
Posted in Communication | 1 Comment »

I’m sorry you misunderstood what I said and got upset

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

"I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said and got upset!"

Ever felt like saying that to your bride? You said something, she heard something that was not there (really, really was not there) and got upset. Even if she believes you did no mean what she read into it, she is still hurt.  You want to apologise, but for what?  For her past that causes her to hear something someone else said that you don't think? On the other hand, you don't want to imply you were at fault, because that would be dishonest.

How about "I'm sorry what I said hurt you - what I meant was ..."

Or maybe even better: "I can see how you would have thought I meant [whatever], I'm sorry my words hurt you."

Tags: ,
Posted in Acts of Service, Communication | 1 Comment »

The curse of knowledge

Monday, August 24th, 2009

This study speaks of "the curse of knowledge" - that we tend change what we expect others to do based on information known to us that is not known to the other person.

I am very guilty of this with my bride! I expect her to know what I know, and to process decisions based on what I know - even when I should realise she does not know some of what I know. Or, I will start talking about something I have been thinking about, without giving her a clue what the subject is! How frustrating is that for her?!

Another way I am guilty of something that fits in this area is to think about something, and reject a number of options based on my thinking them through and finding each one to be less than acceptable. Then when I discuss the issue with my bride, and she brings up something I have thought through and rejected, I am cutting her off from doing what I did - working it through. She say "we could ______" and I cut her off before she finishes her sentence. This makes her wonder why I even bother to discuss it with her, as it seems I am not open to any of her ideas.

What about you - does what you know, that your bride does not know, ever cause you to do things that are irrational, unloving, or less than wise?

Tags: ,
Posted in Communication | 1 Comment »

A nudge, not a push

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

This morning, after posting what I did for Monday, I read an article entitled "For some people, optimistic thoughts can do more harm than good". The bottom line is that a cleaver study showed that giving someone a positive message that was somewhat more positive than they saw themselves helped them feel better about themselves, but giving them a positive message that significantly differed from their self-image was actually harmful to how they felt about themselves.

So, telling her she is very friendly, when she is not very friendly, will very likely make her feel even less friendly than she already feels. Same with what you say about how she looks, her intelligence, her ability as a mother, and so on.  What's more, if she decides you are lying to her, then everything you say becomes suspect.

So it seems my comment that you can "nudge her in the right direction" was spot on - we need to nudge, not shove. Figure out how she wrongly sees herself, and gently nudge her from that towards the truth.


Tags: , , ,
Posted in Communication, Good Marriage | 1 Comment »

It’s all about perspective

Monday, June 8th, 2009

A generous reader wrote:

© Truelight9 | Dreamstime.com

A few years ago I was the defendant in a litigation. The first day in the court room the litigant was give their testimony. I was amazed at what was said. The story was just not correct. Even my wife was shocked to hear their interpretation of the events.

Later I spoke with my attorney and told him what she said was not true. I will never forget his response: He said "It may not be true but they believe it to be true". He told me he had practice law for over 40 years and he has learned one thing about people is we intemperate events in a way that protects us. So in telling what happened in a situation, we see the event in a way that will not make us look bad.

I then asked that if all people do that then is he saying I do too? He said yes. It got me thinking how I look at events and how to be honest in how I respond because I don't want to be the guy that looks in the mirror and then walks away forgetting what I saw.

In marriage sometimes my spouse is holding the mirror. I need to be in tune and truthful in everything I do and say not to protect me, but to change me. To let God mould me.

So when my wife tells an event I listen more and ask more questions to see how she interpreted the event instead of challenging her.


Tags: , ,
Posted in Communication, Good Marriage | 2 Comments »

What I said, what I meant, and what I thought I said

Monday, May 18th, 2009

Isn't communication a wonderful thing? We speak the same words, but we mean different things by them. We also take language short cuts and expect those listening to us to know what we mean.

Last night I thought I communicated something to my bride - turns out I did not. Suddenly she is doing something on her blog that requires an hour of my time. Of course, she had no idea it would take that long - in fact until I got into it, I thought it would take a few minutes.

So my choice was to tell her "no, put it off" because of my failure to communicate, or to assume responsibility for my failure. Yes, I did it, and without (too much) grumbling.

My other choice is to learn from this or not. I'm pretty sure I've had that opportunity before, wonder if I will do better this time?

Tags: , ,
Posted in Communication | No Comments »

Improve the web with Nofollow Reciprocity.







Powered by WordPress

© 2001-2010 Daily Generous Husband Tips All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright


Logo Image © Nmonckton|Dreamstime.com