I_choose | Daily Generous Husband Tips

Posts Tagged ‘I_choose’

Breif touch packs a punch

Friday, March 5th, 2010

Interesting round up here of the way brief touch can change how people think, feel and act. Makes me wonder about the effect of not touching, or more specifically of touching less - what does that communicate?

I have noticed, both in myself and in others, that we tend to withhold touch when we are upset or stressed - when, for example, we are in conflict with our spouse. Maybe it's a way of showing our displeasure, maybe it's punishment, maybe it's just self protection. Regardless of why we do it, the result is counter-productive to building a good strong marriage. Touch helps to calm us. Touch makes us feel trust, and trust connects us. When we are at odds, we need those things.

All of this reminds me of advice I once heard for couples - when you fight (have an argument) do it holding hands. Not an easy task - holding hands with someone you are upset with. Holding hands goes against our desire to assert ourselves, to protect our own interests, to get our way. On the other hand, is your goal if to bless your bride, and be a better husband, that all sounds good.

Tags: arguments, I_choose, kindness, nonsexual
Posted in Physical Touch | No Comments »

I’m overwhelmed, to bad for you.

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

I have a confession to make, a horrible confession of selfishness. We have lived without a clothes dryer for months - and it's my fault.

Last fall when I went to convert our gas dryer to propane (something I have done several times before), I managed to break a part that was going to have to be special ordered. That is where I stopped – I didn't order the part, or do anything else to get a working dryer. So, for months we have taken our laundry 15 minutes down the road to a laundry mat. I've done my share of laundry trips, but that hardly makes up for the major inconvenience, waste of time, and the money it costs to do laundry that way.

On Valentine's Day I told my wife her gift would be a dryer. Yes, I know this is practicing something I preach not to do, but my bride is one of those uber-practical gals who thinks a dryer is a great gift any time. On our second trip looking, we found something she liked at a used appliance place. My son and I picked it up the next day. I figured what I needed to run wire for it (went with electric) and yesterday we got it all installed.

The really sad thing is why it took me so long to get this done. Yes, the part for the old dryer cost more than the dryer was worth, and yes I've been working way too many hours for months, and yes money has been tight. However, none of those is why the old, broken dryer sat in the laundry room for so long, and none of those would have prevented me from getting a working dryer months ago had I chosen to do it. And there is the truth, I choose not to do it.

Why did I choose not to do it? The best word for it is that I was overwhelmed. I put a lot of time and effort (and pride?) into getting the old one changed to propane, and when that failed it made me feel overwhelmed about getting the job done. So, I just pushed it away and left it - without taking into account what my choice was costing my dear bride.

No doubt being overwhelmed is a natural thing - some things are just so emotionally difficult we don’t want to deal with them. I doubt bailing out on things is ever good, but when it hurts someone else it's a real problem that needs to be dealt with ASAP.

Tags: about-me, integrity, I_choose, justDOit, selfish
Posted in Acts of Service | 3 Comments »

Love your enemies – and your bride

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

I sometimes watch couples treat each other worse than Jesus taught us to treat those who hate and attack us. So, in honour of Valentines, a few suggestions loosely based on Matt 5:39-47.

But I tell you not to resist your upset bride. If she complains about you, leave yourself open for more. If she demands you watch less football, watch less basketball also. If she compels you to go shopping at one mall, go with her to two. Give to her when she asks you, and when she wants your help do not turn away." You have heard that it was said, 'You shall like your neighbour and love your wife.' But I say to you, love your wife also, bless her if she yells at you, do good to her when she is PMSing, and pray for her when she refuses you, that you may be a son of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the loving and on the unloving, and sends good things on the giving and on the selfish. For if you are nice to your bride only when she is nice to you, what reward have you? And if you hug her only when you want something, what do you do more than others?

Yeah, I know it's a stretch - but is it really beyond what we are called to?

Tags: I_choose, theology, Valentine's
Posted in Acts of Service, Shared walk | 5 Comments »

Is moral licensing hurting your marriage?

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Interesting story here about human nature and something called "moral licensing". In short, the idea is that doing things seen as good results in folks being more likely to do things that are “bad”. It's sort of like a bank account - the more "good credit" you have amassed, the less you worry about spending some of that in the form of being rude, dishonest, or apathetic.

I wonder if this partly explains the people who are seen as moral, just, friendly and all around great people at work, but are none of those things at home. Or those folks who are known as fantastic missionaries overseas, but their families just want them to go back overseas?

As much of this is not conscious, you will need to examine yourself carefully to see if you are guilty. Also, remember that the Bible says we must start by being good and loving to those closest to us - only then are we qualified to minster to others.

Tags: BeBetter, Bible, I_choose, theology
Posted in Shared walk | No Comments »

Intermittent good behaviour keeps us holding on

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Intermittent "good behaviour" can keep a couple from getting needed help for their marriage. I see this all the time, and I know it is extremely difficult to break the cycle.

Basically, it looks like this - one spouse is either doing something that is harmful to the other or to the marriage, or they are refusing to do something that is necessary for the other or the marriage - BUT, every so often, the person does the right thing. That moment of doing what is right, that intermittent good behaviour, is done just often enough to keep hope alive. It's a lot like starving someone to near death, and then giving them just enough to keep them marginally alive. When they are about to crawl off to find food on their own (or to just die and get it over with) an extra large portion of food is presented, possibly with promises of more regular feeding. However, those promises are short lived, and soon it's back limiting.

What I hate about this, and yes, I use that strong work intentionally, is that it keeps many marriages that could be healed from getting help until it's too late. The problem is kept hidden, and nothing is done about the underlying issues. It just keeps going, tearing up the victim and the marriage. What is being rationed is not really an issue - it is often sex, but it can also be affection, respect, time together, or many, many other things that are needed for a healthy marriage. Regardless of what is rationed, the harm is the same.

Let me suggest that keeping someone on the edge of starvation is not done accidentally - it takes a lot of careful reading of the situation, and acting neither too soon nor too late. I'm sure some do it less than fully intentionally, and I suspect for some it’s such a habit that it’s almost automatic, but it's never a coincidence or accident, and it's not going to get better on its own. If you find yourself in this situation, you need to act, and the sooner the better. A great place to start is with the book Boundaries in Marriage .

OTOH, if you are guilty of doing this to your bride, please know that you are killing her love for you, and destroying your marriage and any children you have. This is an extremely cruel thing to do, and you need to stop immediately. If you can't stop, get help - please.

Tags: her_choice, I_choose, selfish
Posted in Marriage Killer | 1 Comment »

Helping her sing her song

Monday, January 18th, 2010

One of the things Lori and I discuss/teach about when we do a marriage retreat is the importance of helping our spouses to sing their song. We took this from a bit of video of Tony Fitzgerald in which he talks about a church in which no one goes to their grave with their song unsung. In a nutshell, each of us has a song, or songs, to sing. Not being able to sing what is inside you is miserable, and a loving spouse should be all about making sure their wife or husband is able to sing what God put in them.

How we facilitate our spouse singing their song varies a great deal. Maybe you promote your bride, and her song. Maybe you arrange to send her where she needs to go to sing her song. Maybe the two of you do a duet, or maybe she is the "opening act" for you - or perhaps you are the opening act for her.

Sometimes what you do is neither flashy nor directly related to her singing. A personal example: my bride is attending a woman's bible study/fellowship near our home. While it does provide her with needed fellowship, it is also very much a place of ministry, a place for her to sing one of the songs God has given her (reaching out to young wives). Thing is, the gathering sometimes runs long - sometimes very long. Since the best chances for ministry usually come at the end of a long time together, my bride needs to be free to stay as long as she feels she should. That means I don't plan anything that involves her for about seven hours each Thursday. It also means I sometimes do household chores that are usually "her job". I find that it's easier to do those things, even a joy to do them, when I see it as part of what I do to allow my bride to sing the music God has put in her soul.

In the same way that I do things to allow my bride to sing, she does things that make it possible for me to sing the song that God has put in me. Sometimes that is doing things that are usually "my job", and sometimes that means doing things she is not comfortable doing. I think it is important for me to see what she does, to thank her for it, and to recognise that she is an important part of any song I sing, even if no one sees her working behind the scenes.

Tags: about-me, I_choose, sacrifice
Posted in 1 + 1 = 1, Acts of Service, Beyond the Marriage | No Comments »

Make your bride a platinum points wife.

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

My bride and I are at a Hyatt Place hotel for a couple of days, and we are being treated like royalty. Free upgrade to a suite, edible goodies in the room, offer of a loaner laptop at no charge, hand written welcome in our room, and everyone bending over backwards for us. Why the special treatment? Because of our gold point status. (No, I don't spend that much at Hyatt, it's a perk of doing conference planning for the day job. And BTW, I like what Hyatt Place offers for the price enough to spend my own coin on it.) I can hardly what to see what more they can do for us when we make platinum!

So I'm thinking, maybe I need to grant my bride platinum point status - and treat her accordingly.

Note - a big thanks to those of you who have sent donations in the last few weeks (real thank you's when we get home). If you want to make a donation and have it counted as a 2009 tax deduction, it must be post dated December 31st or before, or done on-line before midnight Pacific Standard time December 31st. We also desire your prayers - we can't do this without that!

Tags: I_choose, words-vs-acts
Posted in Acts of Service, Good Marriage | 1 Comment »

From where do you speak?

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

My Bride recently wrote thefollowing about me:

With Paul it is truly easy. He's good about saying things kindly and he's usually full of praise, so any harder statements or suggestions are no big deal and come from someone who likes me.

I say this not to brag (this was not always as true as I would like), but to ask you from what position you speak to your bride. If she feels you love and support her, if she hears you praise her often, then saying something "harder" is eaier to take than if she does not feel this way about you.

Granted, how she feels about you may not be a true reflection of how you think and feel. And it may not be a true reflection of how you currently treat her. But unless she has some significant past trauma, the blame for how she feels is ultimatly at your feet. And unless she needs help dealing with something that predates her time with you, then only you can change how she feels.

Tags: integrity, I_choose, knowing
Posted in Communication | No Comments »

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Posts Tagged ‘I_choose’