Posts Tagged ‘justDOit’

I’m overwhelmed, to bad for you.

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

I have a confession to make, a horrible confession of selfishness.  We have lived without a clothes dryer for months - and it's my fault.

Last fall when I went to convert our gas dryer to propane (something I have done several times before), I managed to break a part that was going to have to be special ordered.  That is where I stopped – I didn't order the part, or do anything else to get a working dryer. So, for months we have taken our laundry 15 minutes down the road to a laundry mat.  I've done my share of laundry trips, but that hardly makes up for the major inconvenience, waste of time, and the money it costs to do laundry that way.

On Valentine's Day I told my wife her gift would be a dryer.  Yes, I know this is practicing something I preach not to do, but my bride is one of those uber-practical gals who thinks a dryer is a great gift any time. On our second trip looking, we found something she liked at a used appliance place.  My son and I picked it up the next day. I figured what I needed to run wire for it (went with electric) and yesterday we got it all installed.

The really sad thing is why it took me so long to get this done.  Yes, the part for the old dryer cost more than the dryer was worth, and yes I've been working way too many hours for months, and yes money has been tight.  However, none of those is why the old, broken dryer sat in the laundry room for so long, and none of those would have prevented me from getting a working dryer months ago had I chosen to do it.  And there is the truth, I choose not to do it.

Why did I choose not to do it?  The best word for it is that I was overwhelmed.  I put a lot of time and effort (and pride?) into getting the old one changed to propane, and when that failed it made me feel overwhelmed about getting the job done. So, I just pushed it away and left it - without taking into account what my choice was costing my dear bride.

No doubt being overwhelmed is a natural thing - some things are just so emotionally difficult we don’t want to deal with them.  I doubt bailing out on things is ever good, but when it hurts someone else it's a real problem that needs to be dealt with ASAP.

Valentine’s Warning!

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Valentine's Day is three weeks from today. Do you have plans?  Don't get stuck with the picked over cards, flowers, and so on - get out there now.

Your minstry – yes you.

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

Are you "in ministry"? As I read the Bible, all those who follow Jesus are to be ministering in some way or another.  Not all are doing ministry full time, or reviving money for what they do, but we are all called to do something. What that looks like goes well beyond what we have traditionally thought of as "ministry".  For example:

  • Mowing the lawn for the widow or single mother next door.
  • Teaching people to read at a local literary centre.
  • Helping the elderly couple down the block with home repairs they can't do and can't afford to pay someone to do.
  • Praying daily for individuals or groups.
  • Watching the kids of a young couple who can't afford both a babysitter and a meal and movie.
  • Spending a couple weeks a year in Mexico doing building for an orphanage.
  • Opening your home to a support group, prayer meeting, or Bible study.

Talk with your bride about what each of you does as ministry, and what each of you would like to do.

101 reasons not to get away together this year.

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

I'm not actually going to give you reasons why you should not, or can not get away with your bride, and just your bride, a couple of times this year.  You could probably come up with plenty of reasons why you can't or shouldn't - so let me give you a few why you should.

  • Time with just each other builds your relationship in ways that don't happen at other times.
  • Looking forward to time alone together is good for both of you, and for your relationship.
  • Looking back on times together is also good for both of you, and your relationship.
  • Time for just the two of you gives you a way to see where your relationship is, and to judge if the relationship is better or worse than the last time you got away together.
  • The benefits to your marriage will also benefit your kids.
  • The benefits to your marriage will also benefit your job.
  • We make time for what's important to us - so if the two of you can't make time for this ...

Protecting her from family

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

The sad fact is our families can be hard on us - and on our spouses.  Be ready to run interference, support her, defend her, or say "ENOUGH!" if it comes to that.  Do this with both her family and your family.

The best way to do this is to talk with her ahead of time so you have a good idea who gets to her and how.  Also, get her to tell you what does not bother her.  Come up with a signal she can use to let you know when she needs help. If someone has a habit of going at her when they get her alone, don't let them get her alone.

I know it's horrible that this can be needed, but it's a common reality.  Step up and protect her.  Aside from being the right thing to do, it will earn you some major hubby points.

Year-end giving

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Yes, I am going to ask for money at the end of this - but I really want to make some general comments about giving. So please read all but the end if you are not donating here. Given the importance of what we do with out money, I think this is very much a marriage issue.

The people who understand how donations effect ministry usually don’t talk about it because it seems self serving. If that is how this comes across, oh well. For a couple of decades I have had friends who work for donation supported ministries (which includes most church pastors) or charities. For the last 3½ years my income has come from donation supported ministries (the majority of that from the day job). So, I have a lot of experience with this issue. Let me share some of what I know:

  • I know that most of the folk living this way are never sure of their income (FYI, our situation is better than most) and that this uncertainty can result in a good deal of stress.
  • I know that giving has been down pretty much across the board for over a year now.
  • I know that giving fell drastically after 911 (Sept 11, 2001) and for most ministries and charities donations have never fully recovered.
  • I know that many organisations, including some very large and well know ones, will have to scale back and layoff personnel if they do not receive record level year-end giving.
  • I know that lack of donations over the last few years has forced belt tightening and rethinking - which can be a good thing.
  • I know that lack of donations over the last few years has resulted in less ministry and loss of service to some folks who desperately needed what was being provided by various ministries and charities.
  • I know that donations are more than just money to those who receive them - donations are a vote of support.

I also know that a lot of folks think "my little amount won't really help" - and that is just not the case. You see the Salvation Army folks with the red kettles ringing the bells? The average donation is two dollars, but last year they raised $130 million! (BTW, you can give to the Salvation Army here.) The same principle works with smaller groups too - a few dozen folks giving $5 to $20 a month can make a huge difference to a small ministry. Please think about what you can give, and about where that money should go. Consider that maybe your monthly donation might be better split among several organisations rather than all put in one place. Don’t over look the “vote of support” that a donation means, and cast that vote for those you wish to encourage in what they are going.

Do I give? Fair question. Each January my bride and I pray about where we will give for the next year. This year we supported five ministries, including one indigenous overseas missionary and two couples involved in marriage and emotional healing ministry. We usually give monthly by bill-pay because it's easy, automatic, and under our control. How much do I give? Let’s just say Turbo Tax always tells me my giving is way high for my income.

One last thing before I give my own pitch - if you are involved in a traditional church, please, please, PLEASE give your pastor, and his/her family, something extra before the end of the year. I know a number of pastors who took a pay cut this year, and many others who did not get a cost of living raise because of lost giving. A pulpit pastor's job is one of the most difficult and stressful jobs there is, and wondering how they are going to pay the bills just makes it worse.

So my plea for a bit of support:

First let me be honest - no one is going hungry, and no bills will go unpaid if there is not an outpouring in response to this. By God's blessing and our efforts, we have a low cost of living, and a day job that is very flexible. But this does not mean donations are unneeded. More money means we can get more done on the marriage ministry stuff. We have a lot we would like to do, and to some degree what gets done depends on money. Even more, how long it takes to get things done is influenced by donations.

So, if you can make a year-end one time donation, that would be awesome. If you can set up a recurring monthly donation (via PayPal or bill-pay) that would be even better. PayPal information here. Mail checks (payable to The Marriage Bed) or bill-pay to:

TGH
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
PO Box 295
Clayton, WA 99110-0295

Yes, we are 501(c)(3), so US donations are tax deductible.

Care for a marriage revolution?

Monday, November 30th, 2009

Does your marriage need a revolution? Chris Brogan has an interesting post on "tiny revolutions".   I suggest you read the post, and think about how you could have a "marriage revolution" that could lead to a better marriage.

Tiny Revolutions

You make it hurt less, baby.

Friday, November 20th, 2009

I know how frustrating it is to be with your bride when she hurts and you feel you can't do anything to help. You want to be with her, part of you wants to someplace else, so you don't have to experience her pain.  And what good is it doing for her, you being there to experience her pain?  Actually it is doing her a lot of good - this study shows that a "Romantic Partner" can reduce pain.  This is at least the third different study I've seen that gives the same message - just being with her when she is in pain will reduce her pain.  So tough it out, and know that you are doing something to help.

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