Posts Tagged ‘knowing’

Imaginary and impractical

Thursday, March 11th, 2010
Main Entry: 1ro·man·tic *
Pronunciation: \rō-ˈman-tik, rə-\
Function: adjective

1 : consisting of or resembling a romance
2 : having no basis in fact : imaginary
3 : impractical in conception or plan : visionary

When it comes to "being romantic" a lot of guys see the second and third definitions above as rather accurate - no basis in fact, and not practical. Romantic often seems to be a secret game - a game where only women have been given the rules. There often seems to be no logic in what is and is not romantic, and sometimes there seems to be a lack of constancy.

Maybe this will help: you know you want your bride to be openly sexual with you? You want her to initiate, you want her to plan, you want her to want and need you. If you tell her what you want, then it does not count, you want it to come from her, to come from a desire to bless you and to give to you. For women the desire for us to be romantic is a lot like that, but it's not about sex - it's about us thinking of them and doing things to show our love for them and our desire to be with them. For the same reasons you don't want to give her hints about how to be sexual, she does not want to give you hints about what is romantic.

So how do you learn to be romantic if she won't tell you what qualifies? Try asking her questions like "What are the three most romantic things I have done for you" or "What romantic things have guys done for your friends recently?" Listen well, and try to hear more than just the actions, try to discern the deeper meaning your bride feels in the things she says are romantic.  Keep adding information, and you will slowly become better at hitting the invisible target of "romantic".

* Definition from the Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary

Processing speed

Monday, March 8th, 2010

We all process information at different speeds, and we process different information at different speeds. Trying to discuss something that one of you has not fully processed is useless at best, and potentially disastrous. So, make "I need a bit more time to process that" a safe and valid thing to say in your marriage - just don't use it as an excuse to avoid something you don't want to talk about!

Sex – when words and actions don’t mesh

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

Does what you say to your bride about sex match what you show in your actions? Maybe, given that our actions usually show our true feelings, I should ask if what you say matches what you think and feel?

Sadly, many guys think they have to lie about what they want, think and feel sexually. They are convinced their bride would have a fit if she knew what's really going on in their head. I'm not just talking about the fellows whose minds have been deeply polluted by porn - a lot of guys just don't think their wife could deal with knowing they want sex more than twice a week, or that they want to do it with the lights on.

Thing is, women are very perceptive, and if your thoughts and actions are not the same, odds are she knows something is wrong.  She knows something is off, but not what - and that opens the door for her to imagine all kinds of things. For most guys, the truth is better than what she is imagining, or worrying about.

Ultimately neither of you will be happy or stratified until your actions and thoughts line up closely. The two ways to make that happen are to communicate what you think, feel and want, or work on changing desires you know are wrong - or at least wrong for the two of you.

Check the quality time cube

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

If your bride is a big fan of quality time, find an easy way for her to let you know if you are giving her all she needs.  For example, put a single die in the bedroom or bathroom.  Your bride regularly updates her satisfaction or lack of satisfaction about your time together using a scale something like the one below.

6=AWESOME!
5=Doing good.
4=I need a bit more.
3=I need a lot more.
2=I need a lot more, and I need it now!
1=You don't love me anymore, do you?

Touch is not sex

Friday, February 26th, 2010

The ladies over at Christian Nymphos ran a poll asking women what their husband's love language was.  The clear winner at 49% of the 279 votes, was "Touch". If you ask men the same question, you will probably get a similar answer - with some of them adding that they "really enjoy sex". However, enjoying sex, wanting a lot of sex, or wanting more sex, has nothing to do with the touch love language. While sex can partially feed the touch love language, it will never fully satisfy someone with that need; on the other hand individuals who have little or no touch hunger can very much enjoy sex.

I think many men are cheating their-self, and their bride, by failing to understand what their love language(s) is/are. If it's not touch, saying it's touch probably does not result in more sex, and it means the real love language is not getting the attention it should. I can understand that the need for sex may be far greater than for your love language, but getting that love language met would make you feel better, and would make her feel better to be able to meet a need. In the long run it would very likely increased the odds of more sex.

There is an on-line love language test that you can take to see what your love languages are.  As you answer questions that are about touch, please read that as non-sexual touch that won't lead to sex. After you take the test, share the results with your bride, and then ask her to take the test (without you looking over her shoulder) and share her results with you.

How can we do this better?

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

From Seth Godin a while back:

"In most interactions, we take a defensive posture. We try to defend the brand, or our turf or our job. The problem with defense is that it's static. The best way to get smarter, to embrace and to cause change and to triumph in times of market turmoil is to adopt the scientific method.

Ask yourself, 'what do I believe that's wrong? How can I change the way I do things? What works? What doesn't?'"

I would say we do the same in our marriage - we defend the way things are, the way we do have always done things. I think this is particularly true of men - we tend to want our home life to run smoothly, and that means the status quo, consistency, what is known and comfortable.  However, blindly following this course means our bride is stuck, even if she wants or needs something to change. I've seen more than a couple of men ignore their wife's growing frustration, not acknowledging it till she does something drastic.

So I would echo Seth - and ask you to regularly ask your wife "What do you think is wrong? How can we change the way we do things? What works? What doesn't?"

The other side of the story

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

I am always very aware that there are (at least) two sides to any marriage issue.  An over-the-top example of this showed up here recently in a comment.  (All relevant comments have been removed from the blog.)

The original comment, several months old now, was from a fellow who complained that he had been asking his wife to go out with him to get reacquainted.  He said he did not understand why she was so unwilling to get close to him. He asked for suggestions, and got a couple.

The second comment, left about a week ago, reported to be his wife. The comment was from the same e-mail address. The wife she found the first comment by searching for her e-mail address via Google. I tracked the e-mail to a business the two run together, so I suspect the story is valid.  Her side of the story?  Hubby molested one of their daughters, more than once.  Law enforcement got involved and did its thing, and all the jail time and mandatory follow up has been done. So maybe he thinks she should just forget about it? Or he may think she should give him another chance.

Of course this is an extreme example, but I've seen plenty of guys (and gals) completely ignore something major that they have done to their spouse. It's as if saying "I'm sorry" is supposed to somehow erase all the damage and hurt done by selfish or horrible things they have done - even if they did it over and over for years.

I say this firstly so that each of us can consider what we have done in the past that might not be resolved in our bride's mind. Secondly, when your friends or co-workers, of either gender, complain about their spouse, please remember that you are hearing one, slanted, side of the story.

Loaded words

Monday, February 1st, 2010

Are there words or phrases your bride uses that annoy or upset you?  If so, it is likely she is unaware these things bother you, or at least does not know how much they bother you.

It need not be something that is rude or nasty - it could be something innocent that just rubs you the wrong way because of how you hear it, or what it reminds you of. As an example, when I ask my bride if she knows where something is, she often used to say "If I had anything to do with it, it would be in the ..." This phrase irked me, but I knew it was not meant in a bad way, so for years I said nothing.  When I finally said something, two things happened - my bride now says that far less often, and when she does, it does not bother me as much.

Minor irritations like this may seem insignificant, but they can add up.  Any little things you can defuse are things that won't cause hurt later.  So let your bride know about words or phrases that she uses that bother you - and ask her to do the same with you.

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