Need A Bed?

Your bed is one of the most important things you own. A good bed means good sleep; a bad bed can mean not getting enough sleep and/or waking up with a sore back. Your bed also plays a part in your sex life, and depending on the bed it can help or hinder that.

Need A Bed?

Thing is, beds have become so expensive! Who wants to spend thousands of dollars for a bed!

Earlier this year Lori and I accepted that our bed was dead and needed to be put to rest. I did a lot of research on the various “bed-in-a-box” companies that ship directly to your home. We got one, and we’ve been very happy with it. It works well for sleep and other bed-related activities (best bed I’ve ever been on for missionary position). The great thing is we paid less than $200 for a queen size bed!

We got a Zinus brand 12″ memory foam mattress. It was less expensive than some of the others, but with 18,707 Amazon reviews, it had 4.2 out of 5 stars. It “only” has a 10-year warranty rather than the 20 years for traditional beds that cost ten times as much. I can live with that! I’ve heard some who live in hot humid places say this kind of mattress can be hot in the summer. You can add a cool touch topper or get a bed with a cooling layer built in if that’s a concern. 

And yes, if you decide to buy a bed-in-a-box I hope you start from this page so Lori and I get a bit of income out of it. But regardless of what you buy or where you get it, your bed is important for your marriage and your sex life. 

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What If She’s Not Crazy?

Have you ever felt your wife has thrown herself into a fantasy world and completely lost touch with reality? 

What if she’s not crazy? What if her reality has more than a passing connection with actual reality?

What If She's Not Crazy?

The way we see the world is heavily influenced by our past experiences. Our personality and what people around us say about things further colours our reality. That means how two people see things will always be a bit different. The greater the difference in two people’s experiences, the greater the difference in how they see things. 

Being male or female is a major part of our experiences, so it’s a huge part of how we perceive the world around us. You should expect you and your wife will see most things a bit differently, and some things very differently.

Telling yourself she’s crazy is an easy out, but it’s not good for your marriage. Rather than dismissing her, talk to her. Don’t accuse or challenge, just ask her to tell you how she sees things. Share your reality as well, but do so as a way of getting her to understand you rather than an attempt to “fix” how she sees things.

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Sharing Life Without Feeling Caged

Recently I’ve written a couple of times about sharing our lives with our wives. That means doing as much as possible together and talking about the things we don’t do together.

I can see how this might seem like putting men in a cage, and a nice cage is still a cage.

Sharing Life Without Feeling Caged

Last month I went to a boot camp retreat. I’ve done this the last five falls, and four of the last six springs (missed two due to travel). These camps are one of the few things I do without Lori that keeps us apart for several days. I need what I get from those retreats, and Lori is all about me going to them. She also goes to retreats, and I’m all for that.

We do other things apart, either because the other person really has no interest or because it’s something a group of men or women are doing together. My wife doesn’t hike, so when we travelled the country I did some beautiful hikes without her, bringing back pictures to share.

Living life together shouldn’t feel like living in a cage. It does sometimes mean saying no to something you would like to do, but other times it means saying yes and leaving your wife behind for a few hours to a few days. 

I see two ways where we need balance in this. First, we need to spend enough time with our wife. The less free time we have, the less of it we can spend apart from her, so making more free time is important. Second, she needs to get “out of the cage” as often as we do. That can be tough, especially if you have young children. I suggest you make sure she gets time to do things on her own or with her girlfriends. It’s the loving thing to do, and you will reap benefits down the road.

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Cook Like A Man!

Check out the picture… doesn’t that make you hungry? Even the veggies look great!

Cook Like A Man!

Now that summer is almost on us (or already all over you if you live in the South), why not do the cooking once a week. Fire up the grill or smoker and cook like a man!

Bonus points for doing both the shopping and the cleanup.

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The Rebellious Proverbs 31 Wife

The “Proverbs 31 woman” is sometimes offered up as the perfect wife. However, if we look at her through the lens of a “traditional patriarchal marriage” she is actually not right at all! So let’s look at it:

An excellent wife who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels.” Prov 31:10 ESV

The Hebrew word translated as “excellent” there is Chayil. The word is translated by various versions as virtuous, excellent, good, and worthy. While I wouldn’t say any of these words is wrong, none of them conveys the full meaning of the word. The word means “strength, might, efficiency, wealth, army”. It is most often translated as “army” and second most translated as “man of valour”. Not the kind of word we expect for a wife, is it? (Reminds me of the strong rescuer mentioned in Genesis 2:18.) 

She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.” Prov 31:16 ESV

This rebellious women just bought a field without involving her husband! The Hebrew word translated as “considers” means, “to have a thought, devise, plan, consider, purpose.” Does this mean she has the “right” to make this kind of decision on her own? Does it means she has access to the money to do this on her own? It’s really difficult to read it any other way unless we decide she is, indeed, rebellious.

The Problems With the Proverbs 31 Wife“She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.” Prov 31:18a ESV

This lady is a successful businesswoman! 

She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.” Prov 31:20 ESV

There is no mention of her husband in this. Even if we assume she has cleared it with her husband, she takes these actions on her own.

Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” Prov 31:23 ESV

Because this passage is all about the wife, this verse must connect to her in some way. It seems her husband is well thought of by others because of his wife. The Pulpit Commentary says it like this: “Such a woman advances her husband’s interests, increases his influence, and, by attending to his domestic concerns, enables him to take his share in public matters, so that his name is in great repute in the popular assemblies at the city gates.” Gill suggests the husband is seen as a man of wisdom because he chose such a fine wife. She reflects well on him and raises his stature among other men. And we are told this after we read about all the things she has done without his direct involvement. 

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Prov 31:26 ESV 

This woman is full of wisdom, and she teaches others. I suppose we can assume she only teaches women and children if we want, but it doesn’t stay that.

My point in all of this is that the woman and her husband don’t have a marriage that looks like what we’ve been told a patriarchal marriage looked like. I bet that is because our idea of such a marriage doesn’t come from the Bible. I suspect it was more about “keeping women in line” and making life easy for men. I also suspect it comes from a time much more recent than the time of Jesus.

The model of marriage some of us were taught is biblical can’t be found in the Bible. What’s more, parts of it are in conflict with what Bible does say. The posts I’ve done the last few Saturdays have been intended to get you thinking. I’m not trying to get you to have a certain kind of marriage, but I am trying to get you to question your assumptions about marriage. Don’t do something just because it’s what your parents did or because it’s what certain people told you was right.

Ultimately, you’re responsible to God for what you believe and how you live. You’re also responsible to God for how you treat your wife, who happens to be His beloved daughter. If you’re treating her wrong, do you think He will just ignore that? I fear many men bring judgment down on themselves for the wrong ways they treat their wives. Peter warns us that it can hinder our prayers, and I think it can do worse than that!

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When She Struggles to Orgasm

Does this image make you feel uncomfortable? 

When She Struggles to Orgasm

Comments on last weeks Two Fingers of Pleasure included some who didn’t like the idea of using a vibrator to provide their wife with an orgasm. 

The reality is women find it more difficult to orgasm then men do. This is true for masturbation, and it’s much more an issue when a couple is having sex. For some women it’s such a minor thing it’s a non-issue, but for some, it’s a major problem. Not getting to orgasm when they want/need to is very frustrating, and it’s part of why some women lose interest in sex. Feeling blamed for the problem by their husband is another issue.

Those who want to make this problem all in the woman’s head are dead wrong. Yes, what she thinks, and what she finds it difficult to stop thinking about are factors, but there’s far more to it than that. Besides, telling her to just stop thinking about other things is about as helpful as her telling you to stop reacting to the half-naked women you pass all day long. There is no switch for these things!

I think your wife should have an orgasm every time she wants one, and I see it as your duty to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don’t mean finding a way to help her learn to orgasm, I’m talking about making sure she comes the next time she wants to.

The Big Guns

A vibe is not the only way to do that, but for some women sometimes it is. A good strong vibrator will get past mental blocks and physical struggles. If she wants to go there, you can take her there with a strong vibe. It might take awhile, especially as you’re both learning, but it can be done. Covent Spice has a selection of wand vibrators. I’d go for corded over rechargeable as dead vibe batteries are not a good thing! (Corded will also cost less.) The Hitachi Magic Wand is the classic choice. 

My suggestion for adding a vibe is that it becomes her sure-fire orgasm method. When she feels she needs it, you use it. The power of this is it means she knows she’s not going to end up horny and unable to climax. Can you imagine how horrible it would be to worry if you would orgasm? I think it would cause one to avoid sex unless they felt good about their orgasm chances. When you provide her with a sure orgasm you make it possible for her to say yes to sex without fear. You also make it possible for her to try new things because she knows she can fall back on the vibe if the new thing doesn’t work for her. It’s an orgasm safety net!

Won’t She Get Addicted?

Whenever this is discussed, someone suggests that this leads to women who can only climax with a vibrator. There have actually been studies on this, and there is zero evidence that vibrator use makes it more difficult to climax in other ways. However, the vibe is certainly easier, and if a woman is tired of fighting for every orgasm she may decide to just go with the vibe. I don’t see that as wrong. Odds are a woman in that situation is going to give up if she has to keep working too hard for every orgasm.

Years ago Lori often struggled with orgasm, and sometimes just gave up even though she needed it. Getting a vibrator was one of the best things we ever did for our sex life. There were times that was the only way she was going to climax, and times when it was difficult even with the vibe, but having a sure-fire way to orgasm made a huge difference for her.

And she didn’t get “addicted”. Because of the vibe, she learned to climax more often, more easily, and in less time. Today she has no problem and a vibe is optional. For us, a vibrator got us to where we both wanted to be. It was a great learning tool, and we wouldn’t have the great sex life we have without it.

It’s Still You

I hear men complain about being replaced by a vibrator. If she’s using the vibe while you’re not there, or are just lying there with her, then yeah, that’s valid. If you’re using the vibe to pleasure her, then you haven’t been replaced; you’ve found a tool that makes things better for her!

Beyond giving her an orgasm safety net, how can you use a vibe to make sex great for your wife? Imagine if your vibe skills meant she has an orgasm every time she has sex! Maybe you can use the vibe to teach her to have multiple orgasms. When she is tired you can offer to use the vibe on her, giving her an orgasm when she would otherwise not be willing to try.

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Friday Flashback: Sex On a Pillow

Programming note: I am continuing my “week plus of sex posts” from June of 2010.

It’s amazing how much better, or easier, you can make intercourse with a few small tweaks. Using pillows for support or to change position slightly can make a big difference. You can use the pillows you sleep on, or those small decorative pillows that seem to reproduce on their own (see, they do have a purpose). Or, use a rolled-up bath towel for a firmer support.

Friday Flashback: Sex On a Pillow

Sex On A Pillow:

Note that several of these can increase the odds of her having an orgasm during intercourse even if she normally finds that difficult.

  • In the missionary position, a pillow under her rear or the small of her back will change how your bodies come together and can result in much greater pleasure for her by providing better stimulation of the clitoris. This also makes for deeper penetration – if you’re long be careful; if you’re short this may be a real winner.
  • Also in missionary, a pillow under each of her legs/knees can help her be more comfortable or prevent cramps and soreness. (This is also a great idea if you are pleasuring her by mouth!)
  • When she is on top, a pillow under you will change the points of contact, which can make it better for her, and/or reduce stimulation so that you last longer. Move the pillow around and see how things change.
  • If pregnancy or being overweight makes missionary difficult, place a pillow or two on either side of her head, and place your hands on the pillows.
  • If your hands give out when you are on top, a couple of pillows either side of her head will allow you to rest your weight on your elbows, which are on the pillows.
  • You can make rear entry easier for her by putting pillows under her to allow her to take some weight off her hands.
  • Have her lie on her front with a pillow under her hips, her legs stretched out and spread. This raises her enough for you to enter, while lying over her.
  • In side positions (facing or spooned), a pillow under the smaller of you can even out height problems that make it hard to line up your respective part. A pillow between her knees can also be of use in side positions.

Get Grounded:

Another way to make sex a lot better getting “grounded” so you don’t slip and move around.

  • Ever been enjoying sex in the missionary position and started to slide down/away from her? Solve this by getting your feet against something solid. The bed’s footboard works, if it has one, or turn around so you can place your feet against the headboard or the wall. Aside from saving your arms and legs, and meaning you don’t have to stop to get back where you were, this can help you keep your pubic bone where it can stimulate her clitoris.
  • Grounding yourself when she is on top also has advantages. Having your feet against something firm will allow you to raise up more. Lifting your hips will give her more stimulation, and can be a great way to help her over the top when she is close. You can also thrust better from below if your feet are grounded, which will help you finish.
  • In other positions, not having to worry about sliding all over the bed is usually a good thing – think of ways to ground whichever of you is most likely to move.

[This post first appeared June 14, 2010.]

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First You Have to Know

Giving your wife what she wants and needs requires knowing what she wants and needs.

In theory that should be simple. In practice, it often requires you to make like Mr. Holmes.

First You Have to Know

There are a couple of obstacles to knowing what she wants and needs.

  1. She is not a man. She doesn’t think or feel as you do, and some of what she desires is totally foreign to you.
  2. She assumes you know what she wants and just need a few simple hints or reminders.

Of course, asking her what she wants and needs should be a good plan, but she may feel it’s not the same if you don’t figure it out. I don’t like that kind of game, but some women seem to think it’s valid. If you’re stuck with that I suggest you make an effort to play. Not because it’s right, but because you love her enough to be the grownup in this instance.

Bottom Line: Gear up detective mode and watch your wife for clues. Try various things and see how she reacts. Trial and error will get you there if you keep at it. My Monday posts are a good source of ideas as they are usually simple and I try to hit all the things that women generally want.

And for any woman I’ve offended: I’m sorry. It’s how I feel, and most men are right there with me.

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