Second hand sexual stress

When you’re uptight about sex, it has a very negative effect on your bride, and on her interest in being sexual with you. I used to think I was good at hiding my sexual frustration, but I’ve learned that my bride often is aware even before I am that I am feeling uptight or sexually in need. That means hiding it is useless at best, and likely more harmful than being open and honest.

I realise that the frustration that comes from wanting more than she does is not helped by talking about it over and over; but being open and honest can still help. Part of the problem is that we often do not clarify what we want – just saying “MORE!” does not provide much useful information, and “More of anything” makes us sound like we are just sex starved animals with no love or caring. Being honest about our emotional feelings as well as the physical is a good thing to work on.

It may also help to be honest about your frustration, and the way it may cause you to act. For example, saying “Don’t mind me, I’m grumpy about sex” tells her that you are aware of the situation, and that it may be making you less than enjoyable to be with. Rather than just being mad at her for not being there for you, you have taken responsibility for how you responded to that situation.

3 Comments on “Second hand sexual stress

  1. This series is right on. Thanks, Paul.

    I meet with several buddies regularly and your comments this week are exactly the issues they are dealing with. They have young children and balancing attention with the kids and with their wives and live all clamoring for time … it’s second hand everything!

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. Sorry, but this “advice” only works if the wife really cares, at least a little bit, about sex. If its “sorry, once every few months is fine with me, and thats just the way I am, and if you don’t like it, you are an unbiblical, selfish husband”, then your advice doesn’t help at all. Last night I got “Sorry, but if we do it a few days before my period, it delays it, and I want to get it over with.” I’ve done everything you’ve suggested in this post (and others). We’ve been to counseling, argued, talked ad nauseum. I’m sick of it and I’m through with it. I’d like to see some posts that actually help a lot of us out here that have lives like this. You always seem to walk the wishy-washy middle ground.

  3. Dear modelmanjohn,

    I’m no counselor, but, going only on the information you put in your post, it seems to me that you are being the biblical and unselfish husband and she is a refuser. Which, of course, makes her the one who is unbiblical and selfish. Do you agree?

    However the venting of your frustration, while understandable, isn’t a helpful way of asking anyone for something beyond this “wishy-washy middle ground” you speak so despairingly of. And I wonder; can you see that your rant is likely the result of exactly what Paul is talking about in this post-

    S-xual frustration making you ‘grumpy’?

    So, are you ‘grumpy’, then, most of the time?

    Regardless, I perceive that you are wanting some advise beyond what you called a “wishy-washy middle ground”.

    Very well, I can give it. Have you considered divorce?

    It is a viable option, in cases like this, were her heart, revealed in the quote you gave us, seems so indifferent to her lack of desire to have s-x with you that you live with constant s-xual frustration for having tried everything and yet, have failed to get her to care, even a little, about s-x.

    After all, marriage exists because sex exists. And Moses did permit divorce because human hearts are hard.

    Then, of course, there is agape, fondness and affection. The kind of love that God is.

    And of which Paul said that it is patient and kind and that it is not jealous; that it is not bragging or puffed up nor is it indecent or self-seeking; that it is not incensed and it takes no account of evil; that it does not rejoice in injustice, yet is rejoicing, together, with the truth. And finally, he said that agape is forgiving all, is believing all, is expecting all and is enduring all, while never lapsing.

    Agape is fondness and affection. And therefore, God is fondness and affection.

    So, I would ask you, if, regardless of whatever she does, you are the one in this relationship who is righteous enough and mature enough, in the faith, to allow yourself to feel agape for her and demonstrate that you do, despite her being, as you described her, an indifferent refuser?

    Just asking.

    Other than that, I would have to say that Paul’s advise would be mine, as far as how to show the agape you feel for your bride. Which is all his posts are really about for his assuming that all who read his suggestions feel agape for their bride.

    It is not easy thing to do, this feeling agape. And those who love like this, including God, experience pain and are hurt, as a result, but, agape can and does save a human soul. Even as it did yours.

    So, be good modelmanjohn… It is, after all, what you were created to be!

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