But how do I fix it?

So I’ve tossed a number of “second hand” issues at you – things you can do that bleed over and hurt your bride. But how do you fix/change any those things in your life?

First you have to identify them. Some are easy to see if you are honest with yourself, others are more difficult. Your bride can help you with this, if she trusts you to not punish her for telling you the truth about what she sees in you. Have her go through the last week plus of tips, and let you know where she sees you in any way.

As too fixing it, the tag I put on this post is “I choose”. I use this tag fairly often, because the reality is that changes can only occur when we choose to change. We may need more than just making the choice, but unless we make that choice, any efforts will fail. I see men and women go through various forms of counselling or therapy not because they have chosen to change, but because they want to convince their spouse there is hope. That works at first, a few times, but then the spouse caches on and decides there is no hope, and that there will never be any real change. I say this to warn you – don’t ask her what she sees if you do not intend to deal with it, and don’t make any promises you won’t keep. A failed attempt is far worse than no attempt . If you know you are not ready to deal with something, don’t pretend or discuss it as a possibility – wait until you are ready and able to deal with the issue.

A variety of things can help you make changes, depending on the severity of the problem and how you deal with things:

  • Accountable to your bride: This requires a history of trust and you responding to what she says.
  • Accountability to a friends: This requires some “naked” honesty about yourself and what you do.
  • Accountability to another couple: Find another couple serious about their marriage, and met regularly to pray and discuss how each of you is doing.
  • Pastoral counselling: Some pastors have a true gift for helping – make sure your pastor feels well able, as opposed to doing it because it’s expected of him. Also, ask for a referral if s/he feels unable.
  • Professional counselling or therapy: It can take several tries to find an individual you “click with” – don’t give up after one failed attempt, and don’t put in a lot of time if you know the person is not offering what you need, or there is a personality conflict.
  • Various ministries: See the “Get Help” links for some good miniseries that can help with many issues.

Choose to change, then do whatever it takes to make that happen. It may be tough at first, but in the long run both you and your bride will be glad you did it.

One Comment on “But how do I fix it?

  1. Change for the better is possible. I am living proof of that. And so is my marriage. And my thanks is to my Father, God, Who showed me, from His Words that not only does He want me to change from bad to good but that He also provided the means to accomplish that in me- the forgivness of sins, a cleansed conscience and holy spirit, entering me and uniting wih my spirit, thus siring a new human inside of me such that I was, literally, born anew.

    So, the first step, for me, was realizing that I was, no excuses… bad. I did bad things and I said bad things and that means that I was bad. I was a bad tree with bad fruit speaking bad things from my bad heart.
    Which means that, regardless of whatever else anyone else said or did that ’caused me’ to react badly, my reaction was was still because *I* was bad.

    The second step that immedialtely followed this revelation was a decision that I was going to do what was right from now on no matter what.

    And that was when I discovered my conscience and how powerful it was becoming in me. And how important it was for me to keep it clean.

    Check it out: the word “conscience” appears 32 times in the NT. Check it out.

    It is possible for you to be good, like God is good; for goodness is as immutable and absolute as truth. And don’t let your theology snare you in this.

    Jesus came to accomplish the forgivness of the sins of all so that you can be perfect, or, complete, even as your Father in the heavens is complete- that is, whole and lacking nothing, which means ‘perfect’.

    Realize this and desire goodness like a thirsty man desires water and then all these things Paul is suggesting to improve your marriage will actually work.

    For I have found it a truth that it is even as he said:

    “…changes can only occur when we choose to change.” And I would add for the better: for ‘change’ can go both ways.

    So, choose to begin being good, no matter what, even as you were created to be from the begining and are born anew to be becoming.

    And you will be becoming the peaceful child of your Father, the King of the Universe.

    And others will, then, see Jesus in you (even though they may not like it!):)

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