It won’t make you feel better

© Devonyu | Dreamstime.comIt seems science has found a way to prove revenge doesn’t make us feel better – even though we think it will. (See Revenge is sweet but corrosive)

Of course we all know getting revenge on our wife is a bad plan, but I suspect many of us find ways of doing it we can deny to ourselves. (Or am I just projecting?) Do you ever say no to something because she said no to something completely unrelated a few days ago? Do you drag your feet, or delay making decisions, to punish her for things she has done to upset you?

Your secret revenge isn’t making you feel as good as you think, and it’s injecting negative things into your marriage. You, and your marriage, would be far better off in the long run if you either gently confront her on things, or let them go without comment or action. Which is right for any given situation depends on you, on her, and one how big the “offence” is.

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2 Comments on “It won’t make you feel better

  1. It can be so hard to follow this advice as it is always the little things mentioned above that don’t seem like revenge but really are. I just keep checking my motivation as I often want to ‘heap up coals’ by doing good to my wife when she knows she has upset me and often the motivation here is well out as well!

  2. There is another aspect of this vengeance thingy that played itself out to conclusion in my previous marriage.

    It is the emotions of regret and shame and blame.

    My previous marriage started as an adultery.

    I was the other man in a power play she was engaging in with her ex, but, in the end, the regret she felt for it led her to blame me for breaking up her previous marriage and then ‘forcing’ her to marry me.

    Make no mistake there was real love there, in the beginning, not just s-x, but only for the first three years or so. However, the regret and guilt and blame she carried for the adultery, her third and my second, slowly began to kill that love in her such that her final words to me, 14 years later, were a lie that had become the truth in her mind: ” I didn’t love you when we married and I never wanted to marry you.”

    This then is what I wanted to point out: Most of us did not do things right when we fell in love. Most of us had sex before we were married and likely did many other wrong things because of s-xual arousal.

    If you are in this majority then examine your own heart to see if you are harboring regret or shame or blame about your past. And if you find that you are, seek forgiveness through confession to your spouse and let your conscience become clean.

    After that, address the very same issues with your bride to discover if she harbors similar emotions in her heart.

    And do so with this understanding: Despite what you may have been taught about ‘unconditional’ love, unconditional love cannot exist between a husband and wife because of the intimacy level shared and that because of s-x.

    Marriage exists because s-x exists and that is why vows of both fidelity and fealty must be spoken, first, to appease our universal conscience before we can feel free about having s-x with the one we love.

    Which means that there are specific conditions of trust that must exist, un-violated, between a husband and wife for the marriage to be successful.

    And if those conditions of trust are violated, even if done before the marriage itself, the marriage is in a danger zone because the love between a man and woman can be slowly changed to hate for the harbored and often even entertained emotions of regret and blame and guilt over past wrong behaviour.

    For is it not true that some people love to keep reasons alive so they can hate?

    And let’s be real: No one will believe, without having the desire to be truthful and honest, that they are to blame for whatever wrong things were done. Which means that, without the desire for honesty and truthfulness being in you, the other person will become, in your mind, the one to blame so that your sullied conscience can be justified.

    I have found that it is real hard to be a good human being when I am harboring guilt in my conscience. Whether that guilt is true guilt from wrong things I have done or not done or whether it is guilt that is false for my thinking thoughts and believing conclusions that do not reflect reality.

    And it is only when I rid myself of these guilts by confession and if possible, restitution, or, by changing my thinking from harmful and vindictive thoughts to beneficial and benevolent thoughts, that I get my conscience clean. And then I find that I can be good, even as I was created to be.

    And so I have found that there is nothing more beneficial to a marriage than being able to see good in your spouse as well as doing good both to and for each other and being righteous, with a clear conscience, so that you are able to accept good from the hand of the one you love, free of the guilts that drive you to the love-murdering emotions of regret and shame and blame.

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