When there’s too much quality time

© Tatonka | Dreamstime.comI am a mild extrovert (actually an ambivert) while my wife is a moderate introvert. My son is an extreme introvert and my daughter is an extreme extrovert.  This has given me the chance to learn to understand this continuum from one end to the other. For example, sending my daughter to her room ALONE was the ultimate punishment, but doing the same to my son was not a punishment at all.

What exactly do introvert and extrovert mean? An introvert is not necessarily shy – some big name comedians and talk show hosts are introverts. The best explanation I have heard is in terms of how we “recharge”. An introvert needs to be alone to “charge their batteries” while an extrovert is charged by being with others.

Very often husband and wife are on opposite sides of the intro/extro continuum, and this can be a real problem. The introvert needs to be alone after a long day; the extrovert is ready – and needing – to go out and socialise. Because of this, there are times when the only way for both to get what they need is to not be together for an hour or three.

The need for alone or together can also come into play in the marriage on the couple level. I like to talk, a lot, because it’s a primary way I connect with my bride. She is very much into communication, but she needs quiet and alone time when she’s had a long day. In the past, I made life difficult for her when we traveled and she was “stuck” in a hotel with me. I finally found a way to make it work for both of us – when we get back to the room I hit the computer (there’s always work to be done) and keep my mouth closed for a whole hour (a significant sacrifice for me). During this time my wife reads and revels in her alone time.  Because I’m not watching, touching or talking to her, she feels alone even though I’m a few feet away. After her hour or more of recharge time, she’s ready to be with me, and she can really be with me because she’s had a chance to recharge.

How you deal with the intro/extro issue in your marriage will depend on which each of you is, how far over on the continuum you each are, and which of you is which. Try to understand her need, and how strong it is, and do whatever it takes to ensure that her need is met. Some sacrifice is probably needed on each side, but be sure you each get what you need regularly.

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2 Comments on “When there’s too much quality time

  1. Great post – I knew we were different but the definition of how we recharge has made the lights come on for me. I am going to put this into practice as soon my good wife comes home from work (with some explanation so she doesn’t think something strange is going on!)

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