I was at the laundry mat today. (For the moment we have two families on one well, and we feel it’s wise to limit water use rather than find out the hard way how much we can draw.) My bride did the laundry mat run last time; I did it this time because she has a great deal of bookkeeping to do after the day job conference.
I’m about done when a woman comes in, and before she can get her stuff into washers her phone rings. It’s her husband, on his way home from work. She asks if he is going to stop on his way home and help her with the laundry. I don’t know what he told her as to why he wasn’t going to join her, but she replied “Fine, I’ll do it – AGAIN – even though I worked twelve hours today.” He apparently tried to convince her she was being unreasonable, but she quickly ended the conversation and started slamming clothing into machines.
I have no more information than this. I don’t know how many hours a week they each work, what each of them does for the other, or how they split up the family chores. Maybe her side of the phone call didn’t give me the whole story; maybe I would see things differently if I heard his side of the story. However, her perception is 1) that she’s doing more than he’s doing, and 2) that he doesn’t care enough for her to help out. Be it accurate or not, that is her perspective, and it is reality to her. It’s what she is thinking, and feeling, and it’s what she bases her decisions on about her marriage, her husband, and how much time and energy to put into each.
What’s your bride’s perception of you and your marriage? Be it right or wrong, it is reality to her, and it’s what she bases things on. Don’t ignore her perception just because you “know” it’s wrong. You’re living with the consequences of her perceptions, so I suggest you deal with them. If her negative perceptions are wrong, how can you show her they’re wrong? If her negative perceptions are based at least in part on truth, how can you change?