Focus on the easy stuff

The other evening as I was skimming The Marriage Bed message boards, I saw a sad trio of threads about oral sex. One fellow was miserable because his wife won’t do it – and never has. Another man wanted to know how he can get his wife, who has repeatedly said no, to do it. And a woman was complaining that oral is all her husband wants and it’s putting her off of sex entirely.

Please understand I’m not morally opposed to oral sex. I’ve never seen a “biblical case against oral sex” that used good hermeneutics or good logic, and I’m aware that many Hebrew scholars see references to oral sex in SofS. However, I do have a problem with a guy pushing his wife for something optional. I have a problem with a guy killing his sex life by focusing on oral. And, I hurt for guys who think they’re missing something incredible because they’ve never received oral sex.

If you have no interest in oral sex, or if it’s a part of your sex life that your bride is good with, you can stop reading here. However, if you want it and don’t get it, or want it more than you get it, or have any reason to think your bride is less than happy doing it for you, PLEASE READ ON!

I know there are women out there, including God fearing, deeply devoted Christian women, who enjoy oral sex – both receiving and giving. We hear from these ladies; they’re for real. But we also hear from the wives who are sick and tired of being badgered for oral sex. We hear from the women who do it because they feel pressured into it, but doing interferes with their desire for sex and their ability to enjoy sex.  And we hear from women wouldn’t mind doing it once in a while but dislike it being expected as often as it is.

I’m convinced a large number of guys have significantly harmed their wife and their sex life because of a fixation on oral sex. Other men are in the process of doing such harm. Some of them know the damage they’re doing, some suspect it, some are willfully ignorant. Most know it’s a problem to keep pushing, and that they know this and continue to push is a sign of a real issue. What sane man would risk his sex life over a desire for one particular act? Why would any loving man press his wife for something she has told him she finds gross, a turn off, or wrong?

Frankly I think a lot of guys have bought into one or more lies about oral sex:

  • It’s the best sex
  • It is the most intimate sex
  • It proves she really loves you
  • If she’d just do it, she would like it
  • If she won’t, it means she doesn’t like your penis
  • It’s an indication that she accepts you/your sexuality
  • Being denied oral sex is a sin (yeah, some guys say that)
  • Despite what she thinks, she won’t throw up (as if just managing to not throw up is a good thing)

I don’t know what’s behind the deep desire so many men have to receive oral sex. I have no doubt porn plays a part, but it’s gone beyond that, it’s become cultural. It’s like it’s a man’s right, and any man denied oral is somehow being cheated or even harmed.

If any of the above is you, please take some time to prayerfully think through things. Have you been less than loving to your bride over oral sex? Have you put your desire ahead of her feelings? Have you pressed her to do something she’d rather not do? Are you pushing her for something she has repeatedly said no to? If you’ve done any of this, you owe your lady a heartfelt apology and a promise to stop bothering her.

And yes, some guys who back off find that a couple of years later their bride offers. But there’s no guarantee, and if this is a significant part of why you pretend to do the right thing you’re hurting both your wife and your marriage.

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8 Comments on “Focus on the easy stuff

  1. I love oral as does my wife.It has become a way we both can give to each other. It brings her to climax and although I could, I prefer to finish with intercourse most of the time.

  2. I love receiving oral sex and my wife likes giving it. But it seems like selfish sex to me. After, I don’t feel as connected or close to her. If, because of her medical condition(s), we do it too many times in a row, I find my mind thinking about just my pleasure, even when we resume vaginal intercourse. So I have to be real careful.

  3. And if you take out the word oral and replace it with the word anal the same would be true. The key for me in any matter in life, but particularly sex, is the question ‘Are you pushing her for something she has repeatedly said no to?’.

  4. we have been married 16 years and there was once at the beginning of our marriage she tried it. i have not had it since and it just about drive me crazy to have it.
    about 2 years ago i almost met another woman at a motel and pay her for her services. she would have done whatever i wanted her to do. my request would have been her delight to give me oral, but the LORD changed my plans and she called my cell phome on my way to the motel and said she had to cancel and could not meet me there. the LORD kept me from have sex with this woman. I WOULD STILL LOVE TO RECEIVE ORAL FROM MY WIFE AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE IT TO HER ALSO.


  5. I think you need to look within yourself and they to figure out why that is so important to you. And then decide if that’s part of a healthy relationship.

    BTW, my wife would kill me if I made a post like that with a picture of her in the avatar. Just a thought.

  6. Without giving some background some of this may not make since, so here’s what’s needed…

    My wife is sometimes willing but not physically able to give oral.
    Vaginal sex is not very comfortable for her. It’s usually not so bad that we can’t do it, and she does desire it, but it can even be painful for her at times.

    These things can make intimacy difficult sometimes, but we have found ways to make it as enjoyable as possible for both of us! I love giving oral, and my wife loves receiving it. Afterward I usually “get off” as quick as I can (for her sake) virginally. Maybe I just want to receive sometimes instead of always giving. When my wife is willing and able I love watching, it is twice as good if I can see it.

    I’m going to add this up to wanting to be dominating. Here’s why…

    Any time the face of a woman can be seen while giving oral she is going to be in a very submissive position ( on her knees or where ever… ). I blame porn for this desire (for me). If you have a high desire for oral sex I would all but tell you that you have a much bigger issue that needs to be dealt with. If I have mistakenly pointed a finger, please understand that I once struggled with porn and do have some remaining side effects of that trash that still comes in to play on occasion. If you struggle with porn, know this…. IT IS NOT OK! Get help, like an addition it will consume you and you along cannot fight it. If you want oral so badly that it’s having an effect on your marriage then you really need to step out of the situation, look at it from an outsider, figure out where the problem lies and find out how to solve it. I can certainly say that if you think the problem is your wife not willing to do what you want (but don’t need), you have a lot of things to get straight with yourself, God, and your wife! PLEASE do whatever it takes to understand that sex is not just for pleasure. Sure I believe that pleasure is important but the intimacy is so much more precious! I also believe that the more intimate your are able to be the more pleasurable sex will become given enough time and effort! God Bless!

  7. I’ve never met a woman who liked giving oral sex.  It is not enjoyable.  What about a large object shoved down your throat repeatedly is enjoyable to a woman?

    • JustMeG That is one version of oral sex, and not one that very many women want. But there are all kinds of other ways to pleasure a man by mouth, and some women do enjoy many of those.

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