Focus on the easy stuff
The other evening as I was skimming The Marriage Bed message boards, I saw a sad trio of threads about oral sex. One fellow was miserable because his wife won’t do it – and never has. Another man wanted to know how he can get his wife, who has repeatedly said no, to do it. And a woman was complaining that oral is all her husband wants and it’s putting her off of sex entirely.
Please understand I’m not morally opposed to oral sex. I’ve never seen a “biblical case against oral sex” that used good hermeneutics or good logic, and I’m aware that many Hebrew scholars see references to oral sex in SofS. However, I do have a problem with a guy pushing his wife for something optional. I have a problem with a guy killing his sex life by focusing on oral. And, I hurt for guys who think they’re missing something incredible because they’ve never received oral sex.
If you have no interest in oral sex, or if it’s a part of your sex life that your bride is good with, you can stop reading here. However, if you want it and don’t get it, or want it more than you get it, or have any reason to think your bride is less than happy doing it for you, PLEASE READ ON!
I know there are women out there, including God fearing, deeply devoted Christian women, who enjoy oral sex – both receiving and giving. We hear from these ladies; they’re for real. But we also hear from the wives who are sick and tired of being badgered for oral sex. We hear from the women who do it because they feel pressured into it, but doing interferes with their desire for sex and their ability to enjoy sex. And we hear from women wouldn’t mind doing it once in a while but dislike it being expected as often as it is.
I’m convinced a large number of guys have significantly harmed their wife and their sex life because of a fixation on oral sex. Other men are in the process of doing such harm. Some of them know the damage they’re doing, some suspect it, some are willfully ignorant. Most know it’s a problem to keep pushing, and that they know this and continue to push is a sign of a real issue. What sane man would risk his sex life over a desire for one particular act? Why would any loving man press his wife for something she has told him she finds gross, a turn off, or wrong?
Frankly I think a lot of guys have bought into one or more lies about oral sex:
- It’s the best sex
- It is the most intimate sex
- It proves she really loves you
- If she’d just do it, she would like it
- If she won’t, it means she doesn’t like your penis
- It’s an indication that she accepts you/your sexuality
- Being denied oral sex is a sin (yeah, some guys say that)
- Despite what she thinks, she won’t throw up (as if just managing to not throw up is a good thing)
I don’t know what’s behind the deep desire so many men have to receive oral sex. I have no doubt porn plays a part, but it’s gone beyond that, it’s become cultural. It’s like it’s a man’s right, and any man denied oral is somehow being cheated or even harmed.
If any of the above is you, please take some time to prayerfully think through things. Have you been less than loving to your bride over oral sex? Have you put your desire ahead of her feelings? Have you pressed her to do something she’d rather not do? Are you pushing her for something she has repeatedly said no to? If you’ve done any of this, you owe your lady a heartfelt apology and a promise to stop bothering her.
And yes, some guys who back off find that a couple of years later their bride offers. But there’s no guarantee, and if this is a significant part of why you pretend to do the right thing you’re hurting both your wife and your marriage.