She does not enjoy sex.
This is the forth part in the “How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex?” series – She does not enjoy sex. The remaining parts of this series will for the most part be a discussion of reasons women don’t enjoy sex, but first let’s look at what it means, to a woman, to enjoy sex – you may be surprised!
For guys sexual enjoyment is simple and basic; if we climax, it was good! Okay, there’s more to it than that, but most of us don’t call sex bad if we climax, and this is especially true if she climaxes too. But women are not the same way. Most women have had sex they would call very good that did not include an orgasm, and most women have had sex they would classify as bad that did include an orgasm. In fact, although it’s rarely discussed, it is possible for a woman to climax during rape (violent, scared she is going to die rape). I mention this to show that climax is a physical reaction that proves nothing about the emotions or thoughts that during sex that leads to climax.
Am I saying climax is unimportant to women? No, I’m not. I’m trying to show that it’s different for women, and that climax is not proof of enjoyment. On the other hand, if she rarely or never climaxes, it is very unlikely that she will continue to want sex or derive any enjoyment out of it.
What makes sex good for a woman? Good sex is intimate; it connects, it draws a woman closer to her man, makes her feel loved, cared for, and treasured. Sex in a loving, intimate, trusting relationship is usually good sex, while sex in a cold, untrusting, non-intimate or non-loving relationship is generally bad sex. Her own ideas about sex can also make it bad when it should be good – see the next couple of Saturdays.
Is sex good for your bride? Are you sure? Just asking, “was it good for you” won’t do it. Women often try to convince their husband sex is better than it really is. They do this for a variety of reasons:
- His ego
- Self protection
- Negative feelings about sex – why work to improve something that causes guilt or shame
- She feels it’s her fault, so why make him feel bad
- Unwilling to work on it, so why bother
- Past experience of husband getting frantic or doing crazy things to try and make sex better
If you have any doubt, if you are in any way unsure, I suggest you talk with her. Have the discussion apart from being sexual, and make it non-accusatory. Let her know that her enjoyment is important to you, including her enjoyment of sex. Ask her to think for a day or two and let you know what she feels is lacking in your marriage, both in and out of the marriage bed. Ask her what you could do, or not do, to make things better for her – in any area. Then, and this is very important, listen without defending or getting hurt. Accept what she says as her valid opinion, no matter how much it differs from your view of things. Tell her you want to think and pray on what she has said, and you would like to continue the discussion at a later date.
Other parts of this series (current page in bold):
- How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex?
- Shifting blame to avoid sex, and to avoid dealing with avoiding sex
- Relational intimacy vs sexual intimacy
- She does not enjoy sex
- She does not enjoy sex – physical pain or discomfort
- She feels it’s wrong/bad/dirty/shameful/sinful
- Past sexual trauma
- Not enough time or energy for sex
- She just has not experienced how great sex can be
- Sexual desire in women – spontaneous or triggered?
- Wrapping it up