She just has not experienced how great sex can be
Another in the How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex? series.
For reasons touched on below, many young women have rather low sex drives, and get relatively little pleasure out of sex. It’s not that they have no interest or no pleasure, rather they are not experiencing the level of desire and mind blowing enjoyment that other women experience. For some (many?) women this changes as they grow older – the surging sex drive of women in their forties is not just a myth – it does happen. We have talked to plenty of women who had little or no interest in sex for a decade or two of marriage, and then suddenly it was as if a switch was turned on.
There is good evidence to suggest that a part of this is hormonal. The fact that older women are not exhausted from caring for children no doubt plays a part. Being more sure of herself, and less concerned about every minor imperfection in her body is certainly also a factor. Whatever the reasons, once a woman “gets it”, she tends to never lose it.
Once you experience what God intended sex to be, you don’t forget it. It’s more than just a good feeling between the legs, it’s an experience that fills and thrills you in every corner of your being – including some parts you did not know existed. Once you know what that is, you want it, even when you don’t feel any physical desire, even when you are tired or grumpy or otherwise not at your best. You want what you know sex can be.
I make this point because I think you can do things to help your bride experience what God intended sex to be. Not by pushing her for more, or for variety, or trying to give her multiple orgasm after multiple orgasm. What she needs is the time and space to become a sexual person – to become herself sexually. She needs to be told she is loved, and that her sexuality is loved, no matter what that sexuality may become. She needs to be free to try something, and to try it once and not hear about it over and over for the next ten years. She needs to trust herself, and her lover.
A woman also needs to be able to blow her husband’s socks of sexually. I know, you don’t think your bride wants to do that for you. Odds are she has become convinced she can’t do it, that what it would take to satisfy you is beyond what she, or for that matter any human, can do. In part, this may be because she does not give herself enough credit – but you may well have set the bar excessively high.
More than anything, she needs you to have self-control, and to love her even when it’s not so good. Frustration is understandable, but expressing that can greatly damage her growing into what she could be. Other things that will delay or prevent her becoming a healthy sexual woman are your sexual joking, porn, lust, and selfishly pressing her for things she does not currently want to try. When we push, manipulate, or shame our way into something we want sexually, it may be a matter of winning a battle in a way that decreases the chance of winning the war.
Other parts of this series (current page in bold):
- How do you get an uninterested or unwilling wife to have more sex?
- Shifting blame to avoid sex, and to avoid dealing with avoiding sex
- Relational intimacy vs sexual intimacy
- She does not enjoy sex
- She does not enjoy sex – physical pain or discomfort
- She feels it’s wrong/bad/dirty/shameful/sinful
- Past sexual trauma
- Not enough time or energy for sex
- She just has not experienced how great sex can be
- Sexual desire in women – spontaneous or triggered?
- Wrapping it up