Sex – when words and actions don’t mesh

Does what you say to your bride about sex match what you show in your actions? Maybe, given that our actions usually show our true feelings, I should ask if what you say matches what you think and feel?

Sadly, many guys think they have to lie about what they want, think and feel sexually. They are convinced their bride would have a fit if she knew what’s really going on in their head. I’m not just talking about the fellows whose minds have been deeply polluted by porn – a lot of guys just don’t think their wife could deal with knowing they want sex more than twice a week, or that they want to do it with the lights on.

Thing is, women are very perceptive, and if your thoughts and actions are not the same, odds are she knows something is wrong.  She knows something is off, but not what – and that opens the door for her to imagine all kinds of things. For most guys, the truth is better than what she is imagining, or worrying about.

Ultimately neither of you will be happy or stratified until your actions and thoughts line up closely. The two ways to make that happen are to communicate what you think, feel and want, or work on changing desires you know are wrong – or at least wrong for the two of you.

5 Comments on “Sex – when words and actions don’t mesh

  1. This post points at one word with flashing lights and fireworks: COMMUNICATION!!!!!

    The other side of this can also be true, inaction can show what you are not thinking about. If you are not prioritizing dating your wife and making her feel special she will of course assume you are not thinking about her in those romantic ways.

  2. More than twice a week?! We’ve NEVER had sex more than once a week in twenty-five years of marriage, and month-long droughts are common. It is midnight as I write and I am so angry I am fighting to restrain myself from using profanity. We have not had sex in two weeks and I’m leaving tomorrow on a three-day business trip. We have been together alone in the house since our son left at 7:30 this morning, and we have not had sex. I don’t “help” with the housework; I DO the housework, all of it, and have for years. I wake up in the morning, cook my own breakfast and leave for work all before she gets out of bed. We spent last night together watching some stupid chick-flick and holding hands, so don’t give me the “You have to romance her” line. She won’t discuss sex; becomes angry as soon as I raise the topic or says, “The kids will hear you” and walks away – even if the kids aren’t in the house. I have never been unfaithful to her, a fact for which she can take no credit. The single ruling datum of our marriage is her fatigue. “I’m tired” is the mantra that governs my marriage. I’m going to stop before I descend into complete gibberish.

  3. @Jerome – I am deeply sorry, and I know that you are not alone. Many women don’t want to have sex, for whatever reason, and usually the reason(s) they give are just excuses and smoke screens. Such women may not even know why they don’t want to have sex – or know but are unwilling to deal with the real reason.

    That said, is the fatigue possibly a real physical condition? Has she seen a doctor about it?

  4. Jerome, this sounds like some of what I was going through. I can describe what helped me. I don’t know if it will help you. Please bear with me though because I know that you are hurting, and I know that some of what worked for me sounds like a canned Christian response.
    Anyway, here is what happened. At the first of the year my wife and I set aside some time every morning to read the Bible and pray. I looked up the Bible gateway website and found a reading plan that takes you through the Bible in a year. We are using the chronological plan. For us it helped in that it forced us to talk to one another and get on the same page spiritually.
    Also, I was masturbating often. We had not had sex in much of December and I remember not wanting my first sexual release of the new year to come about in that manner. Then I thought to myself if I don’t want it that way my first time of the year why would I want it that way any time of the year. I decided that my new years resoloution was to go all year without masturbating. I told my wife about my resoloution.
    There are other reasons for the resoloution for me. I have a problem when I’m doing that keeping my thoughts about her. When I told her about my decision she was upset at first, but when she understood that I only wanted her things changed. She has responded by making it more important.
    As I said before this has helped in my life. I don’t think either one of these alone would have helped. I am going to keep up with this. It might be worth a try for you.

  5. I appreciate everyone’s response and concern. I’ve calmed down a little bit but it is so frustrating. I feel as if my wife has this tremendous gift in her power, one that makes it so much easier to face life, but she simply can’t be bothered to give it. It is nice to know someone is listening. Marriage books, seemingly all written by cowards and edited by women, sure aren’t!

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