When she’s not feeling it, but it’s there.

There’s a good write up here of a very interesting study of how men and women differ when it comes to sexual arousal. The study looked at self-reported feelings of arousal and instrument based readings of physical arousal. In other words, they compared arousal of the body to feeling aroused in the mind. The head of the study said of women “They can have physiological responses and not feel sexually aroused. But that’s normal.” On the other hand, men’s brains and bodies were almost always in agreement.

Some of this, I suspect, is based in our biology. It’s pretty difficult to not feel an erection, so we guys tend to know when we’re physically aroused. A woman’s arousal is far more subtle; a slight increase of moisture in an already moist place is easily missed, especially given the scarcity of nerves in the vagina. What’s more, our physical reaction changes rapidly as our arousal changes, whereas women don’t experience the same thing. (Side note – I think this is why men usually have a much better understanding of what arouses them. Remember the early days of puberty, when any sexual thought or image resulted in an erection? This quickly teaches us what we find arousing, and that feedback system continues into our adult lives – thankfully with a bit less obvious results when we’re in public.)

There are several things all of this teaches us:

  • If her body is turned on, but not her mind is not, sex is not going to work well. Don’t go straight for her crotch, work on her mind.
  • Her lack of physical feedback for arousal means she can be unaware that something turns her on, and/or can choose to ignore that something turns her on if it’s not “acceptable” to her to be aroused by that thing.
  • She’s not like you sexually. expecting her to act as you do or feel as you do is going to cause problems because it’s not how she was designed.

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2 Comments on “When she’s not feeling it, but it’s there.

  1. I read a similar study a year or so ago. It indicated that women became physically aroused by stimuli that they claimed did not affect them. Conclusion: women aren’t even honest with THEMSELVES about sex.

    Anybody besides me? Cold, stormy Saturday afternoon, maybe the last of the year. Sounds pretty romantic to me. I approached her for sex last night; she made a face. Later she seemed to have plenty of energy to go to a friend’s house and stay late. Today . . . both worked until noon and now she says she can’t be bothered to shower before the gym opens at three, giving us just enough time to make our dinner engagement – which we made at HER suggestion. Bottom line: no mention of sex and it’s clearly not on the radar.

  2. @Jerome – I wouldn’t say they are not honest with themselves, but rather they don’t feel it, so it must not be there. A lot of guys are the same way about certain emotions!

    The rest is a choice she has made – a choice that is selfish and destructive. See the Sunday tip for a new blog for women, from a woman who is all about having sex with one’s husband because she had figured out how important it is to do that!

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