Falling back in love

What do you do if you’re no longer “in love” with your wife?

Not feeling love is no excuse to end a marriage, or to stop doing what is right. The good news is not feeling love can be reversed. I’m a firm believer that love is a choice, not a feeling. The feeling, which is wonderful and which we all desire, can flow from the choice, from a commitment to love.

It’s informative to look at India where there are two kinds of marriage – “arranged marriages” and “love marriages”. Not surprisingly, love marriages start with much higher levels of love and happiness. However, as the years go by, the love of those in arranged marriages surpasses that of those in love marriages. One study found that at ten years, those in arranged marriages were twice as in love as those who married for love (story here). My point is that couples who started without love, who sometimes don’t even know each other before marriage, manage to develop love which is stronger than that of couples who start out feeling “in love”. Those couples grew love where it didn’t exist, and if they can do it, any couple that has “fallen out of love” can do it too.

I think “Fake it till you make it” is valid here. Our feelings can follow our actions. If we do the things that love would do, loving feelings will follow. This is especially true if we expect the feelings to follow our actions.

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3 Comments on “Falling back in love

  1. Not only is love a decision, a choice but what we fail to understand that the opposite of love is selfishness. We cannot love our spouse if we are selfish. If we don’t love her, then we will not honor her and if we don’t honor her then we will not love her as Christ loved the church. That type of love requires us to decide to honor her will and decisions even when they are in opposition to what we want and desire. After all, is that not the way Christ loves us when we are making decisions that not in alignment with His will and His desires? He decides to love us and honor us enough to allow us to do so. Oh, He does allow us to bear the consequences of our decisions, whether good or bad. God did not tell men to love their wives if they feel like it, rather it is a command which requires a decision on our part. We must decide to love in the good times and even when she may be rebellious.

  2. Oh my friend . . . you are so right. I am a strong believer and example of loving someone regardless of the emotions that may or may not be there. I praise my God for loving me . . . even when He didn’t feel like it. I don’t know how I feel about the “fake it” part but I know that TRUE love is not a feeling but a choice. Often times (more often than not), an act of love is often or always I should say an act of putting the other’s needs or desires ahead of my own. That sort of genuine love is not something that feels good when we are by human nature, selfish birds. Acts that are prompted by our feelings are called acts of passion which may or maynot lead to positive outcomes.

    We can either be led by our heart or lead our heart . . . the choice to love is up to us. Thank you for your thought-provoking words of truth.

  3. My wife and I have just started reading a book “Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon’s Crazy in Love How-To Manual” by Dr. David Clarke. It deals with this same issue, and uses the book of Song of Solomon to show how God intended a marriage to continue to have passion, given some work. I’ve only read the first three chapters so far, but I definitely recommend the book.

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