Marriage is a team sport

I have linked to many of the “Love is…” posts that The Romantic Vineyard has done over the last weeks. The Love Does Not Rejoice in Wrong Doing… post that went up a few days ago really kicked one of my pet peeves, so I want to use a bit of that post as a jumping off place:

Have you ever […] been happy when your spouse does something wrong which proves your point of view, thus declaring them “guilty as charged”?

To me, this kind of thing (which I must confess I have done in the past) is a function of seeing marriage in terms of “If she loses, I win”. Basically it’s the “If I tear you down it makes me look better” school of thought. While that does sometimes work in the short run, in the long run it’s only destructive. It’s also unloving, and just plain wrong.

This is a pet peeve for me because I see it way too often. I tend to see it in men, but my bride assures me many women do the same thing. Marriage is should be a team sport. If either of you loses, neither of you wins. Think of it this way – it’s like a star sports player who is more concerned with his stats than his team’s win ratio. If he hogs the ball, he could set individual records while costing his team a chance at the play-offs. (Then he’s traded for an injured player to be named later!)

Just as with a team sports, if the marriage/team wins, you win. The goal is to advance the team, and your job is to do whatever accomplishes that – even if it costs you some of what you personally could achieve. When you come to see her win as your win, when it’s really that in your heart and mind, your whole game plan changes. Your marriage also changes, and it changes for the better. (In addition, you end the risk of being traded!)

A side note – One reason I read Tom and Debi Walter’s blog is that they have 5 years 11 months on me in terms of marriage. Anyone so clearly in love after 30+ years of marriage has wisdom to share. I will keep posting links to their stuff on my Sunday Link Love, but I suggest you subscribe to their The Romantic Vineyard.

5 Comments on “Marriage is a team sport

  1. My wife and I have some work to do in this area. While I am sure there are times I am guilty of this, my wife always accuses me of keeping us up late at night ( we have committed to go to bed together each night). Sometimes she never even suggests we go to bed, but sure enough when we go to bed it’s too late and its my fault!….But if thats the worst she has on me when it comes to “guilty as charged” I’m ok with it!

    I also enjoy reading Tom and Debi’s blog!
    .-= Eric – BHF´s last blog ..Help- How do you Discipline a Toddler =-.

  2. Thanks for sharing our blog with your readers – we are amazed at how God is using our Vineyard to help other marriages grow and mature. This has been our prayer since the day we began blogging and the passion of our hearts for 31 years. What a joy it is to meet others with the same desire! We’ve added your blog to our blogroll – you’ll find it under our “Wine Train” tab. God bless you and your marriage!
    Tom and Debi <3
    .-= Tom and Debi Walter – The Romantic Vineyard´s last blog ..Doubling Our Joy =-.

    • @Tom and Debi – My pleasure to point folks your direction. Lori and I have been doing this marriage blog thing for nine years this month, and for awhile we felt all alone in it. We have been thrilled to find so many great marriage blogs over the last couple of years.

      Many blessings to your marriage and your efforts to bless the marriages of others. Next time we’re in Florida, maybe we can take you to that Greek restaurant you found!

      • That sounds wonderful – we’d love to enjoy dinner out together. Nine years – that’s commendable! Congratulations! Just so you know…we’ve had the most hits on our blog today EVER! We couldn’t believe it when the numbers started climbing – we’ve nearly doubled our previous highest hit number. Thanks again! :-)
        .-= Tom and Debi Walter – The Romantic Vineyard´s last blog ..Doubling Our Joy =-.

  3. When we first got married, I frequently told my wife, “we are on the same team.” She wasn’t competitive, but I wanted to set the tone for our marriage by reminding us that we were here not to fight and dominate one another, but rather to walk together, play together, and work together. After we die and get to heaven I want to see her and be able to say, “we made such a great team, we ran together well!”

    I’m glad for today’s post as it reminds me of something I’ve forgotten over the years.

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