Hinting for sex

Some of the comments on my Hints are for puzzles post discussed hinting for sex.  Here is one comment that I suspect many can relate to:

“…the reason I hinted was so that I or we didn’t ruin the entire evening. If it’s a rejected hint, then she can pass it off as not getting the hint and I can just let it slide. If I put myself out there completely then its much harder to hide the disappointment and she has to face the disappointment and it ruins the evening.

Basically I wanted to have sex with my wife, not to end the evening with a downer, which is usually what my sexual overtures did.”

Been there, done that, rarely got her T-shirt off.

I understand how not really talking about it saves frustration and lowers the risk of a confrontation that ruins the evening, or the week, or… On the other hand, maybe avoiding the confrontation also means avoiding doing anything that makes for a real change. Imagine it from her perspective – if you hint, if you don’t outright ask, isn’t that an indication that it’s not really that important? You say it’s important, but your actions say something else. Your actions say you’d like to, but it’s not important enough for you to make a fuss about it. Your actions say you are more concerned about her reaction than actually having sex.

If you are this way about everything, then I suppose it’s who you are, and that is that. On the other hand, if you are more “pushy”, or less willing to take no, about other things, than your actions are telling her that sex is far less important than what movie you go to, where you go to eat, how you spend your weekend, and so on. I mean come on; don’t you see how much someone is willing to “fight” for something as an indication of how much they really want it?

If your hints and other methods of indicating you want sex without asking for it are telling her it’s not that important to you, maybe that is why you have so little sex?

13 Comments on “Hinting for sex

  1. I playfully submit “formal requests in triplicate” for sex. And then there’s about a 3-day window to fulfill the request. If a couple days has gone without luvins, I say “what’s the status of that paperwork” and then he gives a goofy answer.

    He’s the lower sex drive of the two of us, so I’m coming up with a gentler approach. (And that hasn’t been an easy task…) I used to be really pushy and then very disappointed if it didn’t happen pronto.
    .-= Newlywed & Unemployed´s last blog ..Three Things I Now Know =-.

    • @N&U – I like the concept, but suspect it would need to be modified for some couples. If a man, or woman, feels deeply neglected after two or three days without sex, three days notice won’t help much.

      Along similar liens I have suggested letting your spouse know your level of arousal/need on a fairly regular basis – twice a day for example – using a 5 or 10 point system. Of course again this is not much use if a person is at 10 every day!

  2. Been there done that doesn’t work. Some of don’t fight anymore because after 18 years, we’re tired of fighting and being the punching bag. Guess what? Sometimes all the prayer, living for God, counseling, fasting, fighting, begging or anything – doesn’t work. If God doesn’t act, he doesn’t care. Bottom line.

    • @John – I am deeply sorry for your 18 years of refusal. I understand the desire to blame God, but I would reply that He loves your wife too much to force her to do something against her will.

  3. Just my personal thoughts… Sometimes hinting can be a good thing, at least with me and my husband. If my husband passively hints around at it.. I understand that he is trying to say “I kinda want to have sex.” But with that kind of hinting, it shows me that having an enjoyable evening is even more important to him at this time. So, when I ignore his hints, I’m telling him “I don’t really feel like it.” And we can continue on with our enjoyable evening.
    Now at this point, if it really wasn’t a big deal, he can drop it… OR, he can throw out some even stronger hints that say “No seriously, I really want to have sex.” When I get these stronger hints, I know that it is important to him and I will give in to what he needs/ desires. And I rarely, if ever, turn my husband down whenever he straight up asks for sex!
    However, it seems that the majority of the time we have sex (which is frequently).. it is because HE is wanting or needing it. Even when I initiate… I don’t do it because I am wanting sex, but because I know that HE must be wanting it. It is my gift to him. (Maybe I just have a low libido or something, Idk). But I think the point I’m getting at is… Yeah, sex is definitely great and all. But maybe sometimes it’s OK to sacrifice sex for some more non-physical intimacy. That would be my husbands gift to me!

    • @Carla Kanupp – The way the two of you do it seems wise. Your husband is not hinting and hoping, he will follow up if his need is significant. When a couple can communicate both “I’d liked to” AND I really need to” things go well.

      As to not having sex as a gift to one’s spouse, I certainly think that is valid – so long as it’s seen as gift by the receiver, and it’s not what happens most of the time. Sadly some women – and men – see any sex they have as a huge favour, and that’s not right. (It’s also clearly not you).

      • Just adding a thought about “not having sex as a gift” .( Not disagreeing at all. )

        I “don’t have sex” a LOT. Not by choice so I guess it isn’t a gift as I would choose to not give that gift nearly as often as I do.

        But it would be nice if the struggle and effort involved in giving this gift was recognized.

        I’ve told my wife “I’m am STARVING” in this marriage.
        I am MISERABLE with the lack of sex in our marriage.

        She “seems” to hear it and apologizes etc., and will seem sad, and things might (or might not) change for a day or three, and even these are ALWAYS only quickies. Non-quickies only occur once every few years. The last non-quickie was in 2007. we were on vacation alone in Vegas. I remember it well. but there really is no understanding despite how many analogies I use to explain it, how difficult it is to live in a low -sex marriage.

        It is natural for her to not need sex. there is no effort in refraining. NONE. ZERO. ZIP NADA. NO EFFORT.

        Yet she pines for time with me when we are apart. She LONGS for date night etc. (I’ve compared the two and still it really doesn’t register) She loves our marriage and calls me her best friend.

        She can not empathize with sexual desire. She doesn’t have it.

        I’m sorry, not sure where I was headed. I guess I just reacted to “Not having sex as a gift” I can see that. I guess I just feel like I give that gift almost every single day. And even after weeks of giving the gift, if I approach my wife less than romantically, she has complained about feeling like its wham-bam-thank-you-mam. ?????
        Are you freaking kidding me?

        The poster who said this is awesome! and has a wonderful attitude that I wish my wife had. of course non sexual intimacy is desired and is a gift. I guess for me, I bristle when I think of this in relation to my wife because she has drowned herself is non-sexual intimacy. I literally have gotten tendinitis from all the nonsexual massages. I spend devoted hours of one on one time with her just listening without any sexual innuendo from me at all. Just last night we sat at a restaurant for three hours chatting. Haven’t had sex in 7 days(and that was an 8 minute quickie) and I got refused last night after our date.

        I guess she needs another gift of not-having-sex. I hope she enjoys it.

        LS – can you tell I’m frustrated? She knows I am but her external locus of control is in control. she has NO ability to arrange her schedule and her time to allow herself energy despite being a SAHM that has 100% control of her own schedule. yes, she works hard. She’s supposed to. So do I. but I am at the mercy of what controls HER which is everything and everyone else. her friends request for help making salad for the Women’s bible study trumps our sex life. she will say, “what can I do?” I had to help her with this and I had to help with that and I had to do the laundry and I had to make that cake and I had to go to that meeting and I had to on and on and on.

        External locus of control . She’s helpless.

        …well that was a vent. Sorry. not arguing with the poster at all. Just sharing a perspective.


  4. My wife can typically go for a week or two without sex and be just fine with that. Thankfully I have an incredible lady who understands that it ain’t so with me!

    I will begin with a huge disclaimer here….there are always at least two sides to every story…..

    landschooner, I am sorry that you are experiencing the “gift” of non-sexual touch continually. I don’t know what kind of messages she received about sex when she was younger (sex is dirty, sex is bad, sex is to be endured in order for procreation to occur, etc) or if she has been wounded in this area.

    Sometimes women (AND MEN) can be selfish. I’d recommend your wife begin a women’s Bible study on the Song of Solomon. Both Solomon (the Lover) and his bride (the Beloved) express their longings for the other, passionatly enjoy each others’ bodies and freely give themselves sexually to each other.
    I’m guessing most ladies aren’t going to jump into that Book of the Bible for a group study so I would recommend they or at least study 1 Corinthians 7 honestly. God, through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, commands every husband to regularly give his wife his body in order to meet her sexual needs AND God commands every wife to regularly give her body to her husband in order to meet his sexual needs. Anything else is disobedience to God–SIN.

    There is nothing in there about schedules, headaches, level of desire, energy level, etc.

    The reality is, most of us guys are the biggest sinners in our relationships. God designed us to lead lovingly and we default to passivity. God commands us to be selfless but we demand our wife and kids bend to our whims and expectations. (Just trying to be fair, here)

    Men and women also use completely different scoring scales. As men we give higher values to different efforts. (taking out the trash = 1 point, watching a chick-flick = 7 points, shopping with our wife = 10 points) How did your wife score those activities? Taking out the trash = 1 point, watching the chick-flick with her = 1 point, shopping with her = 1 point……

    LS, You spent the whole evening with your wife, but only earned 1 point.

    How many points does “IT” take? Way more than we imagine.

    I know that the lack of sexual fulfillment is incredibly painful and frustrating–something a spouse with a lesser sexual drive cannot understand. Hang in there. Remember that Jesus loves a bride who continually rejects Him and acts incredibly selfish–but He has never complained about her or had second thoughts.

  5. @landschooner & ourgangmn – The sad reality is there are situations where a husband or wife does things very well, does all the right things, and very few of the wrong things, and they still don’t get what they need and deserve from their spouse.

    Sometimes it comes down to the woundedness, selfishness, and sinfulness of a spouse who just won’t do what is right. In such situations, part of the difficulty for the “willing” spouse is that folks assume there is something he or she could do to encourage their spouse to change. How frustrating it is to be blamed for being treated wrong!

  6. Good post ourgangmn. Good points to think about. just disagreeing with a small point that you ended with.

    “Remember that Jesus loves a bride who continually rejects Him and acts incredibly selfish–but He has never complained about her or had second thoughts.”

    Jesus DOES complain about our sin. (you pointed out that disobedience to 1Cor 7 is sin. ) The following is what Jesus said to the churches at Sardis and Laodicea.

    1 “And to the angel of the church in Sardis write: ‘The words of him who has the seven spirits of God and the seven stars.

    “‘I know your works. You have the reputation of being alive, but you are dead. 2 Wake up, and strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your works complete in the sight of my God. 3 Remember, then, what you received and heard. Keep it, and repent. If you will not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what hour I will come against you. 4 Yet you have still a few names in Sardis, people who have not soiled their garments, and they will walk with me in white, for they are worthy. 5 The one who conquers will be clothed thus in white garments, and I will never blot his name out of the book of life. I will confess his name before my Father and before his angels. 6 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’ Revelation 3:1-6 (ESV)
    14 “And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: ‘The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God’s creation.

    15 “‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! 16 So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. 17 For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. 19 Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. 20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. 21 The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”
    Revelation 3:14-22 (ESV)

  7. One other comment. I know in reality, I guess we have to earn the right to sexual attention from our wives. But we shouldn’t have to. I’m commanded to Love my wife and to live with her in an understanding way…WHEN? When she’s had sex with me enough? No. When she’s been sweet enough? No.
    I’m just told to do it.

    Its the same with sex. A sex life was given to me by my wife when she married me. THAT was the agreement. It isn’t something to be earned.

    Now, loving my wife, of course I want to please her. Of course I want her to be happy. of course I want it to be easy for her to want to make love with me.

    But what do you do when she IS happy and still doesn’t want to make love? Earn more points? For what? so that I can get more non sexual quality time in?

    I’ve used Dr. Harley’s Love Bank analogy to explain the dilemma before. (I don’t hold to all of his ideas but there are definitely nuggets to glean)

    For years I’ve made deposits into my wife’s love bank. She has and continues to say that she is very happy (her love bank is full) She DOES return affection and attention to me but in the exact same currency that she receives from me. I make non sexual deposits into her love bank and she in turn makes non-sexual deposits into MY love bank.

    In short. I married a german. I convert my dollars to Deutsche Marks and make deposits in her bank. She is happy. In return, she happily deposits unconverted Deutsche Marks into my bank……..and my usable balance gets lower and lower.

    I get romance returned for romance. To her sex does not follow romance. It just increases her desire for more romance. Sex is an interruption of romance. I LIKE romance. I LIKE Deutsche Marks. But I NEED dollars.

  8. Sexual refusal in my marriage takes one of the following forms, the responses are ranked from the most common to the least. 1. ” I am not going to answer yes or no to your request”, 2. “Perhaps later today we will have sex” or 3. “Yes we can have sex at a specific agreed upon time this evening”. The results for all 3 responses above over 90% of the time is no sex. As I get response #1 most often I keep asking and can become a nag or a just another task to her. The last thing I want to be is just a task/transaction to her. I long to be desired. She says she understands I have a need for sex but her actions don’t line up with her words. Sometimes I close down, become depressed or angry and isolate myself. These reactions can lead to sin. It’s hard right now as I am unemployed and experiencing non response and rejection on the career front. My encouragement to continue in my Christian walk comes from the men in my church. I need to continue to seek Him first as stated in Matthew 6.

    • @Mark John – A rude but effective way of dealing with those tactics is to start using them on her – with the same long term failure rate. When she complains, tell her that she has taught you that this is the way a loving spouse acts.

      This shows the hypocrisy of pretty much any sexual refusal tactic, but then it usually brings on the “sex is different” claim.

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