For a good marriage you need 4-3-3-2-2

A recent story in CBCNews (Canada) got one’s attention with the headline “Kids, go to the store: poll says thrice weekly sex saves marriages“. The article reported on a study done in the UK of 3000 adults married for ten or more years. Based on this, it was suggested how often couples need to engage in certain activities to have a healthy marriage.  Those numbers were:

  • Kiss 4 times a day
  • Cuddle 3 times a day
  • Have sex 3 times a week
  • Share 2 hobbies
  • Have 2 romantic dinners a month

That’s a pretty good list. Assuming there is some communication in there, I’d also say it’s a fairly complete list. The real strength of this is that you can’t do those things, in those amounts, if you are angry, distant, or not together enough. Making the time for all of that will greatly benefit your marriage, and if you start to miss those goals, it’s an indication that something is wrong and changes need to be made.

3 Comments on “For a good marriage you need 4-3-3-2-2

  1. 2-1-1-1-2 would be more realistic for me after 38 years of marriage. I’ve set goals similar to 4-3-3-2-2 many times over the years, but life is not ideal and many demands of work, health, home, ministries, relationships and so forth have brought me to setting more reachable goals. However, I do agree the higher goal is preferable. Who wouldn’t want more? I am willing to “try harder,” but it will have to be in small steps that are meaningful to my wife (and achievable by me).

  2. I’ve never been one to like “numbers.” Each person, marriage and situation is unique. Defining a marriage as “happy” or “unhappy” because the sex is not happening 3 times a week could lead to problems. It can people feel as though they’re not doing enough, when in reality, maybe they are, in their marriage, for their spouse….and that thought process, of “I’m doing it all wrong!” could lead to more damage than if they had just let things continue as they were, so to speak. If a couple is happy with once a week or twice a week or 4 times a week, then that is for them to decide and to be okay with….as long as they are honest with each other about what they want. My husband and I average 2-3 times a week and I am constantly telling him we can do more if he needs it. But he says he is perfectly happy and I believe him. That’s where the communication comes in, you’ve got to ask, and you’ve got to be honest. Yes, we do have bad weeks where it’s only once a week, but we have a special needs son and I have endometriosis, so sometimes that is just going to happen. The key is just in letting each other know that it is looking to be a bad week, but you are not forgetting each other.

    • Amanda – I understand what you are saying about numbers – there are always couples who are happy and healthy outside the numbers.

      Still, there are certain things that are so commonly true that they are a good check point. If the vast majority of couples can’t be healthy outside a certain range, any couple outside that range needs to take a good look at their marraige. A few will be okay, most will not.

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