Taking responsibility for your self-inflicted wounds
This is part two of the post from yesterday, about self-inflicted sexual wounds.
I certainly agree that we must take responsibility the wounds we have brought on ourselves. If we blame someone else, then we abdicate the power to deal with the wounds. Confessing and repenting are appropriate and necessarily for sexual sins, and as I see it any sexual sin we commit is against our spouse even if we are not married or don’t know our spouse when the sin occurs. Hiding our sexual past is, to me, lying by omission. Additionally, we give the sins more power when we try to hide them – only by confessing to our spouse, we can we hope to be truly free.
Of course, this assumes our spouse will forgive, and does not try to use our sins against us. Some guys are not past trying to use their wife’s premarital sexual sins as leverage to get more sex, or some certain sex act. One common form of this is the guy who presses his wife to do with him some act once he has learned she did it with a former boy friend. She explains that she did not want or enjoy it then, and would not now, but all her husband can see is that some other guy got “that part of her” and he is being denied that same part. If this happens once with anything a woman shares, she is very unlikely to share anything else.
Another problem is that many women punish themselves for their wrong sexual choices by not allowing themselves to enjoy sex. In this situation, the woman has taken responsibility for her self-inflicted wounds, but has not accepted forgiveness. Even if she knows that her husband and God have forgiven her, she may feel unable to forgive herself. Often this is because the woman was raised to feel sexual sin was somehow the worst sin, even something that can never really be forgivable. This self-punishment can start right after marriage (even when the only premarital sex was with her husband), after the birth of the first child, or when the last child is born. A husband can help his bride in this by repeatedly telling her he loves her and forgives her.
One final thought – if you and your bride had any sexual contact before you married, I think you not only need to repent, but ask her to forgive you for wronging her. Even if you were her the first, even if she was very willing, EVEN if she suggested it first, it is a man’s responsibility to guard the sexuality of his future wife. Failure to do this, even in the “best situation” means you have violated her, have put yourself ahead of her, and you have demonstrated an unwillingness to guard and protect her as you should. Many women today won’t voice or even consciously feel this as a problem (as it’s considered very old fashioned), but it’s probably still affecting her subconsciously, and it can be a major block to her dealing with her sexual problems.
Tomorrow: I’ll stop nagging the guys, and offer some suggestions for women who need to deal with their sexual sins and wounds.