Sex and fear

Clearly, fear should not be a part of our sexuality, but for many women this is sad fact of life.  A few common female sexual fears and what you might do to help her:

  • Fear of pain. For men sexually related pain is rare, but most women experience such pain from time to time. Her genitals are more delicate than yours are, and hormonal changes over her cycle can result in discomfort and added sensitivity both internally and externally. Even if it’s does not hurt, causing her discomfort is a real turn off. Imagine how you would feel if you knew that each time you had sex she would more than once bang your testicles enough to feel discomfort. You need to learn how to touch her so you don’t even catch the edge of discomfort, and to do that you will have to ask her regularly about any pain or discomfort until you really understand.
  • Fear of doing it wrong. She may fear doing something that is sinful, or fear doing something that will somehow harm one of you. A better understanding of the Bible or biology will help with these.
  • Fear of getting pregnant. I doubt any man can really understand this one. Aside from all the ways a pregnancy might be inconvenient or financially a problem, pregnancy can derail a woman’s life for nine months (or more, postpartum depression is very real and can be debilitating). Additionally, the responsibility of a baby falls more heavily on the woman than on her husband. You can help her by being very, very good about birth control. If you use condoms, don’t ever make her ask, have them ready, and don’t complain. If she wants to use a backup method when she is fertile, realise that the peace of mind it gives her will make sex better for both of you. Note – she most wants and can most enjoy sex when she is fertile, so do what it takes to make it easy and carefree for her.
  • Fear of not enjoying it. Even women who climax easily and regularly find orgasm difficult at times. Getting worked up and not finishing is no fun on a number of levels, and can lead to significant discomfort if she is aroused. Let her know that her climax is a high priority for you, and tell her you understand that it’s easier for you than it is for her. That means you will do what she needs, and make changes along the way to ensure her pleasure and release. Also, make sure she knows you don’t think sex is over until she has had as many climaxes as she desires – whether that be one, none, or half a dozen. She need to know you won’t begrudge her whatever effort it takes to make that happen.
  • Fear of enjoying it too much. Yes, you read that correctly. In the minds of some, a woman who wants sex “too much” or enjoys it “too much” is a slut, or something else that no woman wants to be. You can help her here by not going on too much about it when sex is clearly better than usual for her. Also, don’t push too hard for her to do more. There is sometimes a thin line between nudging her forward and pushing her beyond her comfort zone; take small steps and be aware of how she is doing.
  • Fear of not satisfying her husband. She may think she is not beautiful enough, sexy enough, or “woman enough” to really satisfy you. She may fear you say it’s good just to make her happy, while you are really dissatisfied. She may see your always chasing her, or your waking with an erection, or frequent innuendos, as indications she’s not satisfying you. She may also rightly know you are not satisfied, and she may feel either that what you want is impossible, or that she does not have what it would take to fully satisfy you. Open, honest communication is the best way to deal with this. If you are dissatisfied, be honest with her; she will most likely be aware of any attempt at deception and will imagine that it’s worse than it really is. On the other side, tell her when it is really good, for whatever reason, and when you feel really satisfied, let her know. Don’t make too big a deal about it, but clearly express your pleasure and/or satisfaction.
  • Fear that the kids/in-laws/neighbours will hear. If she has any embarrassment about being sexual, this is huge for that reason. Even if she is okay with her sexuality, she probably is not thrilled about others being aware of it. Don’t dismiss her concerns; rather do something about them. Find a way to quite a noisy bed, arrange some cover noise, and look for times when no one is around to be louder.

As with any fear she has, don’t dismiss or belittle it. No matter how silly or irrational it seems to you, it is very real to her. If she feels she can’t share her fear with you she will probably stop mentioning it. That does not mean it’s gone away, but it does mean you have cut off a way for her to talk and work through the fear.

5 Comments on “Sex and fear

  1. Spelling needs correction, but thank you for bringing these issues to light.

  2. Great blog post. You make some excellent points which I’ll be discussing with my wife. I’ve been following your blog for a few months now, and find it very helpful.

    However, I also noticed a few typos today which I thought I ought to point out… fortunately my wife doesn’t have the fear of not “stratifying” me!! ;O) (this typo appears twice!)
    (although come to think of it, with the “not” in there maybe she SHOULD fear “not stratifying” me… can’t work out which would be better or worse!). Now “Satisfying” me, that if a different matter!

    I won’t ask about her “cont” zone, but assume this is “comfort zone”.

    ‘Somehow “hard” one of you’ => “harm” or “hurt”?

    ‘discomfort “is” she gets highly aroused.’ => “if”

    I recognise many of the typos as being the sort that phones helpfully add by accident when typing… I’ve sent some very embarrassing emails by phone in the past myself.

    Hope this helps.

    • @Mikie (and everyone else) – Sorry about all the errors (I found a dozen more this morning). I have been battling a stomach virus and was not all here when I cleaned up this rough draft. I think I clicked on the spell check suggested change without really reading what it said. I’ve now raised it to my usual level of imperfection!

  3. OK, I had to laugh at this because so many of these are so true, and my poor husband, bless him, just doesn’t get it. He’s very patient, though! But the funniest thing you said is that pregnancy derails a woman’s body for 9 months…try 18 months at least – 9 months up and 9 months down. For me the 9 months post baby have made my body feel far more alien than the 9 months of actual pregnancy.

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